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I’ll Feel Better After I Do it

Dear Diary,

The past few days have been a blur. Sometimes I feel like I am just existing, not living. I hit this point sometimes where the bad just stops feeling bad. It’s as if my emotions all together just go radio silent. I just stop feeling anything at all. Nothing good or bad. I call this my “numb” phase because I literally have to pinch myself at times to make sure I am still alive.

Thank god I have gotten really good in therapy at practicing self awareness and know exactly when I’ve entered into this “numb” phase. I’ve also learned through much trial and error that in order for me to genuinely be able to come out of this “numb” phase, I need to consistently engage in a solid morning routine. I usually need an entire day (or two or three) to prep and motivate myself into the mindset that “tomorrow is a new day perfect for a fresh start”. The catch? I have to fight against my inborn instinct to stay in bed and hide from the world. Going against biology is tough but I keep reminding myself that all I need to do is wake up and follow through with my morning routine because then everything will be OK. How does this work? I don’t know to be honest. I don’t question the universe on some things, I just accept this truth with a heart full of gratitude. I just wish it was as easy as it sounded in my head.

Thank god I woke up today and completed a solid morning routine that led me to this exact moment of being inspired and motivated enough to complete an entry today. I almost didn’t go through with it though. I woke up with this “I want to hide from the world attitude. I’m not worthy of good things. I am doomed in misery no matter what perspective- you know, just an overall dark outlook that keeps me stuck.” I even had to lay in bed for an entire hour talking to myself in my head and repeating positive affirmations until I could muster the first ounce of motivation into beginning my routine. Once I start though, I am usually golden which is crazy to me. How a simple routine can make the world of a difference.

I still don’t understand how my mind works, it’s like so backwards at times. But whatever. I’m so glad I choose to make an effort and not give up. After completing my morning routine, I felt the complete opposite of how I felt initially waking up this morning. I felt hope, peace, gratitude, energized, love, etc. This is why I am really working on becoming someone who instinctively does not think “I’ll do it when I feel better” but “I’ll feel better after I do it”.

You know what I love most about completing a solid morning routine? I feel like it arms me with the tools to combat anything negative throughout my day. I feel like it’s my version of getting dressed daily in body armor that protects me against my own negativity and potentially any negativity externally that could come into my space.

For instance, this morning my roommate woke up after I completed my routine and began yelling at me over absolutely nothing. I don’t even remember what tiny trigger set her off this morning. I’m not sure if I can’t remember because it was that irrelevant or it was because I did my AM routine and thus armored myself up for the day against any and all negativity. I was able to ignore her and remain unbothered like a non-stick pan- I absorb nothing internally and everything washes right off of me. No negativity gets inside me because in theory, I am a non stick pan. And learning how to practice becoming a non-stick pan especially for someone as empathetic as myself, is a true flex and asset since we naturally absorb everything.

By the way, I am getting better and better at practicing being a non stick pan. I know this because when obstacles or negativity arise such as this morning, I am able to continue to feel calm, gratitude and peaceful. In fact, I still feel peace in this moment actually even as I recall this morning. And I am going to hold onto this feeling for the rest of today. I am going to choose to continue showing up for myself every morning by completing my morning routine. Why? Because one’s future can be found in the strength and consistency of one’s morning routine. If there is one thing I am going to fight to make sure I have down, it will be a solid morning routine.

Sincerely yours,

Amanda Marianna

PS: Here is my morning routine for anyone looking for inspiration how to set up there own:

  1. Warm Lemon water with chlorophyll drops
  2. Meditate 5-10 mins (youtube or use iphone app) with legs crossed on floor or legs up against the wall for a lymphatic drainage
  3. Celery Juice
  4. Gratitude Journal and plan out day in planner
  5. 15-20 min walk outside while listening to a podcast or a morning yoga stretch 10-25 mins
  6. Fresh green juice such as celery, cucumber, ginger, lemon, and green apple or a premixed powder superfood green juice like Athletic Greens 16-32 oz
  7. Dairy free coffee with collagen powder (vital proteins is my favorite) and read 20 mins
  8. Work out minimum of 45 mins ( I enjoy Sami Clarke videos or pilates class)
  9. 3 min cold shower to wash my body and rejuvenate
  10. Skin Care Routine with an ice roller (the skinny confidential) and a gua sha (noyskincare brand is my favorite) to complete a lymphatic drainage process in my face and neck
  11. Eat breakfast which is usually something light such as a smoothie, overnight oats, avocado toast and then take morning supplements with meal
  12. Begin doing work for the day

Survivor but still surviving…

art of healing after abuse


What does it mean to be a survivor but is still surviving?


To survive an unforgettable bombardment that traumatically hindered you from being the authentic you before the pain, will rebuild you to overcome and still survive.


Being the survivor can be unexpectedly accepted by the one who caused your suffering. They don’t expect you to survive the malicious behavior they have purposely introduced you to.


We survived the long nights of weeping. The unseen force behind the damage that was done. The physical changes to our body. Our increased susceptible emotional state. The harsh realities in which you are being treated. The uncomfortable sacrifices we make to be yet comfortable again. The disbelief in the people who we chose to reach out to for support. We survived the unbelievable monster on a path we may have unknowingly chosen without expecting perfection. Most importantly, we survived the US forgiving us and the role we played in our hurt in decision making.


So when we say we are survivors, we are implying that we have conquered every strike, every shove, every bruise, every antagonistic word, every silent night of just tears, and the US transforming into the hero that saved us!


Society has unknowingly derided survivors when they speak out because they do not understand something they haven’t experienced themselves. Instead, we are looked at as provokers to a person’s personal decision to mistreat us.


When those eyes are on us to dim our lights of surviving, it reprograms us to “STILL SURVIVE”.We have to survive on a daily to get our lives back or even a new life.


The looks, the stares, the judgment, the controversies, the blame pointing, the erroneous accusations, and the therapy.

” WE ARE SURVIVORS, THAT ARE STILL SURVIVING TO GET OUR LIVES BACK AND MOVE FORWARD”!!

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