I feel so lost.

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    • #13797 Reply

      I started out dating my best friend in the entire world. I could be myself around him, he was funny, cute, and smart. Somehow over time, it just started to feel like he didn’t like me but also didn’t want me to leave. Like I wasn’t really what he wanted. But every time I asked him, he reassured me that I was exactly what he wanted, he wanted to get married. He even proposed to me a month ago.

      19 days after proposing to me, he threatened to kill me. While I’m currently 6 months pregnant with his baby. He choked me, pushed me, pinned me down, forced me to smoke weed with him, & looked me in the eyes and said “I will f-ckng kill you… if you ever leave me.”

      He was upset because I wanted to go visit a friend of mine who was in town. He wouldn’t let me leave & he took my phone. So I told him that I was done with the relationship. It made him very upset. He had threatened suicide multiple times in the past when I wanted to leave the relationship, so I stayed because I felt bad & partly responsible. I didn’t want him to do it.

      So 19 days after proposing to me, he made me feel like I was worthless. He said he would kill me and himself. I was frustrated and scared by the abuse, so I said I would stay. A few hours later, he cried & begged my forgiveness. I said I wasn’t ready to forgive yet & he became violent again.

      All I know is I started to pray while crying my eyes out because I had fully accepted the fact that I was gonna die that night. I felt that was it for me. He eventually became calm again. I told him I forgave him so he could relax. But in truth, I hadn’t forgiven him.

      A few days later, I snuck off to a police station & filed a report. He was arrested and an order of protection was granted. However, he plead “not guilty” to all charges and was released the next day with conditions that I have exclusive use of the apartment we have together. We just moved in last month, it’s a beautiful luxury apartment. Major upgrade from our last one. I paid all the fees, rents, deposits, etc.

      But now, he has a court date for the end of this month and is also actively trying to get my order of protection canceled. I am so scared and all I can do is pray because I have no proof of what he did to me outside of my testimony. Please, if you see this, pray for my justice, peace of mind, & healing!

      I feel so stupid because at one point, I got so lonely & sad that I texted him from an app thinking he would respond (which he isn’t suppose to because of the court order). He didn’t respond and I think I’m suffering from stockholm syndrome. I was going to go to the court tomorrow and cancel the protective order just to see him and try to fix things. IDK if I’m stupid for that or what, but I am in so much pain internally. Being pregnant doesn’t help.

      IDK what to do, I am in the state all alone. Moved here 2 years ago because I’m from a small, poor town. Lots of violence and murder there, comparable to Chicago. I wanted a fresh start and I love it here, but none of my family is here. I told myself that I had a higher chance of dying sooner if I had stayed in my hometown where the murder rates are ridiculous, but with my current situation, my odds are now similar here.

      I hardly sleep or eat now which isn’t good for the baby, I know. It’s not on purpose. It’s just happening because I’m going crazy wondering how to be free from this situation. I wish I could rewind time and make it never happen so we could be living together happily awaiting our baby. But now I’m all alone, pregnant, stressed, sad, & depressed. Please pray for me.

      Thank you for reading my story. God bless you & I hope you all heal from your situations.

    • #13807 Reply

      I totally get that getting!! You hang in there! I’ve been learning and studying this for awhile. Now, I’m teaching it to others!! You’re going through the “Cycle of Abuse”. You can sense the “warning signs” and the “red flags”. I am a Survivor of DV and it took me 10 plus times to leave him, almost over a years time. I went to a very confidential women’s Shelter. I learned Soo much there. That’s when my healing and understanding of what DV REALLY is he!! I have been away from my abuser for 20 months now. I have everything in my life I could want. I’m also a certified DV Advocate and a Crisis Counselor for CalHope, and FEMA. I teach DV education and do non-clinician counseling. The program we use is not used anywhere else. My Healing journey has been wonderful. My children and grandchildren mean everything to me. You too can heal and that’s so important. When you have a will, there is a way! You will be having that baby soon, and you’re going to need to protect that life with everything you have. You are worthy and deserving of love, respect and understanding. Please stay strong. Picture the life you “wish” you could have, And, when you’re ready, through learning, and processing, you CAN have that life! Through self-love and setting goals, working with those who only want the best for you.. you CAN have that life you “wish” for!!!
      If you need to talk, you can reach out to me.. I offer so many healing tools and have lots of resources. This is my job, there’s no “catch” either. I am giving back, what I was taught. I’m empowering people of all ages, to learn to live their lives “through love”. Giving them hope and honoring them for reaching out!
      here’s my email address if you want more information..
      [email protected]
      I hope to hear from you soon!! Please, stay safe.. And believe in yourself!! You can do it!!
      With Love, Tina

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