It can happen to anyone. Domestic violence could have\nhappened \u2013 or is happening \u2013 to you. It could be someone next to you or right\nin front of you, hidden beneath their smiles in photographs or behind closed\ndoors.<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n The wrong question to ask a victim is: \u201cHow did you let\nthis happen?\u201d<\/em> No one lets this \u201cjust happen.\u201d it occurs slowly, and most of\nthe time, the victim is unaware that they are even a victim at all. Eventually,\nthe victim is wrapped up in a cycle of isolation, desperation, and loneliness \u2013\na cycle that seems unbreakable. A victim will leave their abuser approximately seven\ntimes until they leave for good. The most dangerous time for a victim is when\nthey are leaving. Too often, they feel safer staying because of the fear of\nwhat would happen if they left.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It happened to me. Like many stories about abuse, the\nbeginning of the relationship seemed normal. Although the red flags were\nsubtle, they were still there. It was clear that he never wanted to discuss his\nprevious relationships with me. They were whirlwind relationships where he\nmoved quickly to get other women to commit to him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Courtney\u2019s partner was quick to propose to her, making\nmany promises about how their life together would be.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Soon enough, he even proposed to me. He promised to love and\ncare for me forever and to always keep God in our marriage. A year into our\nmarriage, I found out that he had to return an engagement ring he had purchased\nfor someone else so he could get me a ring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once we were married, things slowly turned out to be\ndifferent than I had expected. We only attended church together one time and\nnever went back because he did not like going. I slowly disconnected from my\nfriendships. He had mood swings, and we would frequently get into arguments. His\nplan was to stay in the military until he retired, but that changed. After the\nwedding, he started the out-processing procedures without telling me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Before I knew it, we moved to his home state to be close to\nhis family. I was lonely and vulnerable being in unfamiliar surroundings. He\nwould go to his friend\u2019s house for drinks and be gone for hours on end. I\neventually caught on to the fact that something was going on between him and\nthe woman next door, and I called him out on it. Although I had proof, he\ncalled me a liar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We went to a house party, and I could see that they were\nmessaging each other right next to me. When I confronted her, I was thrown out\nof the party, and he told me to go home. He told me if I wasn\u2019t so insecure and\nmore outgoing, there wouldn\u2019t be any problems. Afterward, he left me alone in\nthe apartment for over a week without any communication. He did not come home\nand eventually said he would come back when I stopped \u201coverreacting.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n I questioned my own sanity, wondering why I wasn\u2019t good\nenough, and could not figure out what I had done. He came back and told me he\nno longer loved me and that he wanted me to go back home as soon as I could. I\nwas more than devastated. It was the worst week of my entire life. I was alone,\nfar away from family and friends, and I had no money or vehicle to get home. My\nfather came out a week later and helped me pack up the house. <\/p>\n\n\n\n After several months apart, Courtney\u2019s husband called\nwanting to try again and promised he would change.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Three months later, I was still wearing my ring in hopes of\nmending our broken marriage. I held out hope that I could fix myself and\nthought something was wrong with me. He finally contacted me and said he wanted\nme back. I agreed with a few conditions: we would stay nearby my hometown, and,\nif he didn\u2019t change within a year, I would leave. He agreed. Giving him one\nyear would allow him enough time to prove he was serious while resolving my\ndoubts as to whether or not our marriage could be saved. If it didn\u2019t work out,\nit also gave me time to plan if I needed to leave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Months went by, and nothing changed. He told me that I needed\ncounseling to be fixed. Meanwhile, he refused to go to couples counseling or by\nhimself because there was nothing wrong with him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n During our 18-month marriage, we moved twelve times. I later\nlearned that he would pack up our things and move us around to avoid paying\nbills. We were always gone before the electricity was turned off or eviction\nnotices showed up on the door. I was not allowed access to money beyond the\nallowance he gave me, and we were barely eating. I was forbidden to question where\nthe money we made went. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For two years, he wrote bad checks in my name and overdrew\nmy accounts to pay for liquor, strip clubs, and anything else he wanted. It\nbecame normal for me to come home and find that he pawned a TV, appliances and\nfurniture, and some of our prized possessions. Eventually, he even pawned my\nwedding ring. I worked a stable job to plan on getting a vehicle, so I could\nhave something on my own in case I had to leave him. His employment history was\nerratic. He had seven different jobs in one year and always had the excuse that\nsomething was wrong with each one every time he quit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He down to me and would say degrading things to me whether\nsomeone was there or not. Not one home we lived in was spared damage from our\nfights. He would take my phone when I slept and carry on conversations as\nthough he was me. By hurting my friends and family, he cut me off from my\nsupport network. He would delete the messages, leaving me to wonder why no one\nwould talk to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being out in public with him was no guarantee of my safety. One\ntime he picked me up and threw me down in a crowded bar because he thought I\nlooked at a guy wrong. He did this in front of everyone, and no one did\nanything to help. Maybe they felt it wasn\u2019t their place to intervene. One\nnight, I called him on speakerphone with my female friends around me and asked if\nI could go out with them. He said, \u201cOf course, babe, I\u2019m working late anyway.\nHave fun!\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hours later, he called, yelling at me that he never let me\ngo out, as though we never had the conversation at all. This happened a lot. He\nhad us meet him, and he threw me into the car. Because of that \u201cstunt I pulled,\u201d\nI wasn\u2019t allowed out of the house for a week, and I had no access to my cell\nphone, or car. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Courtney\u2019s path out of the abuse started with someone\ncalling the police to check on her after being out of contact with her.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Eventually, the police were called to do a welfare check. To\nthis day, I have no idea who called it in, but I will always be thankful to\nthem. When the officers arrived, he yelled at me to stay in the room. Since he\ndidn\u2019t allow me to let them in, the police forced the door open. They told me\nthat they had received a call that someone was concerned about me and asked if\nI was okay. I was afraid to answer honestly, as my husband was standing behind\nme. Although I told them I was okay, I tried to use facial expressions to let\nthem know I wasn\u2019t. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Before they left, they gave me a card with their contact\ninformation and told me to call if I needed help. Following their visit, my\nhusband returned my phone and allowed me to go out again. I promised myself I\nwould leave very soon. A week later, I got a vehicle in my name \u2013 an essential\npart of my escape plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One day, he made an unplanned trip to his hometown. I told\nhim if he left, he wouldn\u2019t be coming back to a wife. He stated, \u201cYou would\nnever leave. You\u2019d have nothing left, and no one would be able to deal with you\nlike I do.\u201d<\/em> The next morning, I called into work and said I couldn\u2019t make\nit in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I then called my father, and we went to the bank. Although\nmy husband had withdrawn most of the account, I was able to withdraw what\nremained and close the account. My dad gave me extra money so I could buy food\nand necessities. Later, I called a friend who came to help immediately. We purchased\na phone plan and packed my husband\u2019s belongings in a few hours so he could pick\nthem up. After leaving him, I later discovered that I was in $10,000 in debt\nfrom bills he did not pay, bank accounts that were overdrawn, and outstanding\nloans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My friend and I called the police while we waited for my\nhusband to show up at the house. We hoped they could be there when he came to\nmake sure he would leave without hurting me. They said that since he had not yet\nhurt or threatened me, they could not help. When I told them that hasn\u2019t done\nanything yet because he doesn\u2019t know I am leaving, they simply repeated that\nthey could not send an officer out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A neighbor agreed to watch over us in case we needed help. Because\nI knew he would be more cooperative with others around, I had a few more\nfriends come over to wait with us. He eventually showed up, and, without\nquestion anything, he removed his belongings and left. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I never saw him again. It took longer than six months for\nthe divorce because no one knew where he was. We soon learned that this was\nbecause he was in and out of jail. Eventually, he was arrested on unrelated charges,\nand I was granted the divorce. I had a long road of recovery and rebuilding\nmyself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You see, if I didn\u2019t have a support system there for me, I\nwould not have made it. If even one person did not answer the phone when I\ncalled, I would have found another reason to stay. There is a way out, I made\nit. It happened to me. If you have no one to help support you, there are local\nshelters, churches, and organizations that can help. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It is not about \u201cHow did it get to that moment?\u201d<\/em> Instead,\nfocus on the courage a victim finds when they leave. I am grateful to those who\nsupported me when I needed it the most. It has been three years, and I have\nfinally told my story. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It happened to me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n **If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org<\/a>, chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777, or send a private message through our Facebook page. For crisis services, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n ========<\/p>\n\n\n\n What\u2019s YOUR Raw\nTruth?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sharing our stories\ncan be incredibly empowering while also helping others connect with survivors\nwho have similar experiences. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are inspired\nto share your story with us, submit here<\/a>. You can choose to remain anonymous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/100619-Courtney-Photo-1.jpg\")
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