October is National Domestic Violence Awareness
\nmonth. I think more people than I care to admit know
\nthat I know more about Domestic Violence than
\nanyone should. Or my kids should. When I was 22 I
\nmet my future husband and immediately fell in love
\nwith him and what he was about. From the moment
\nwe met he was always near and made me feel different
\nthan anyone had prior to him. He cared and seemed
\ngenuinely happy to be with me. As long as I was
\nwith in his sight. I had a job where I worked 13 hour
\nshifts. This was a problem and he’d stop in to see my
\nunannounced a lot to make sure I was where I was
\nsupposed to be. I just saw it at the time that he cared
\nthat much and wanted to see me and found it oddly
\nendearing. Mind you, I’m 22. Couple more weeks go
\nby and he still hasn’t left my house and I’m thinking this
\nis something solid. He’s dropping me off and picking
\nme up now because he doesnt have a car or a home of
\nhis own. Red flag, right? Nope. Chrissy is in love.
\nThen the accusations start. “You’re sleeping with my
\nfriends. You’re sleeping with your boss. You’re sleeping
\nwith my brother”. I end up quitting my job to ease his
\nmind. I am restricted from leaving the house to do
\npretty much anything. When I do leave, I speed to and
\nfrom just so I cant be told I’m doing something wrong
\nbecause I took longer than he thought I should. I walk
\na few steps behind him in stores because he thinks
\nI’m looking at every passing male. The very first time I
\nhad ever been hit by any man was a very scary night.
\nHe had just come back from Marshall and he was convinced i had cheated. (I found out later he was still
\nin a relationship with this girl from Marshall). His friend
\nhad driven by and seen a male at my house. It was a lie
\nbut he needed to believe that to feel better about what
\nhe was doing. We fought. I cried. I told him I wasn’t
\ncheating and begged for him to believe me. But he was
\nconvinced. In the back room of my very small trailer
\nhouse that me and my daughter shared, was the first
\ntime I was back handed so hard I saw stars. He leaves
\nand comes back a few hours later and tells me how
\nmuch he loves me and I believe it.
\nHe isnt going to work now and I gave up my job. I’ve
\nlost all my savings and I get evicted. I find out I’m
\npregnant. I’m scared. He’s thrilled. But he was told he
\ncould never have kids so I’m accused of cheating even
\nmore than before. We fight and argue and make up. It
\nhappens so much it’s normal now. The second time he
\nhurt me physically, I am about 5 months pregnant with
\nJanessa. I can’t even tell you why we fought that night.
\nI remember he ripped the head of my beloved teddy
\nbear I received 5 days before my birth from my parents
\nas a Christmas present. I cried and cried as I sewed
\nthe head back on Charlie. Meanwhile, everytime we
\nfought Tristen was in her room pretending like this was
\nok now. She’s 5 or so. He wouldnt leave me alone as
\nI sewed away. I took a knife after his down SouthPole
\njacket. Feathers everywhere. I some how feel better
\nthen boom. He pushed me so hard my stomach hit the
\nwall. I tried to leave. I couldn’t. He would hold doors shut. Beg me not to go. “It would never happen again,
\nbaby. I promise.” The next day, flowers. I received so
\nmany flowers in those 13 years.
\nWe have Janessa and marry the next month. We
\nfought that night. He threw Subway and sprayed
\nshaving cream in my hair and face and I threw plates.
\nAll with 2 kids in the house. He leaves and I’m cleaning
\nup the disaster we created. He comes back drunk and
\nwants to fight more. The aluminum broom gets busted
\nin half. He’s thrown me down on a couch and pries the
\nbroom away from me that I am protecting myself with
\nand slices the hell out of his hand. Blood everywhere.
\n“You’re going to jail, you dumb bitch. You’ll never
\nsee either one of your kids again”. He goes and gets
\nstitches but tell the ER he got in a fight uptown. Next
\nday, back to I love you baby, with flowers..
\nI’m not going to go into every single fight and detail.
\nI’d be writing all night. But this went on for years. I
\nhad no self esteem. I thought this was my karma for
\nthe things I had done when I was 18 and I deserved
\nthis life. Thing is, when things were good they were
\nso fucking good. But when they were bad, it was epic.
\nWe have Ava, then Carmine. I still feel like shit in my
\nhead and in my body. Shortly after Carmine turns
\n10 months, I attempt suicide. Every pill I could find
\ndrowned with booze and radiator fluid in the front seat
\nof my Tahoe. I’m pissed, it’s not working and I go in
\nour apartment. Hes asleep on the couch. Carmine is crying on the floor. I pick him up but I have no strength
\nat all. It took all i had to put him in his crib with a bottle.
\nThe walls are closing in on me and I fall over right into
\nthe Christmas tree. Bob wakes and realizes what has
\nhappened and takes me to the ER. I spent a week in
\nthe ICU. Paralyzed from the waist down for 2 of those
\ndays. I really fucked up my system.
\nI get out and just nearly escape getting involuntarily
\nlocked up in mental health.
\nLife resumes. More flowers. More I love yous. I start
\ncollege online. Now I’m fucking classmates from
\nTexas, he tells me. I’m drinking alot these days. We’re
\nfighting alot too. Multiple times the cops are brought
\nto our house. Sometimes he’s arrested, sometimes I’m
\narrested. But always, right back to each other.
\n“I have a family here. I can’t leave.” He’s told me I
\ncouldnt live without him anyhow and i believe it.
\nCarmine’s about 4 now and he’s having a full blown
\naffair with a 19 year old. I’m devastated. My family is
\nruined. I’ve told him to leave, he begs me not too. But
\nhe easily packs his bags and goes to his sisters house.
\nBut he doesnt stay there. Hes with this girl at her
\nhouse a few blocks away and still telling me he wants
\nus to work out and wants his family to be whole again.
\nI tell him we can try again but he still doesnt come
\nhome. One morning, my sister shows up at my house
\nand needs a ride home. I leave the house, bring her to
\nher house and drive past the girlfriend’s house. He’s there, with my truck. I’m actually on the phone with
\nhis sister who’s living in Texas and were talking about
\neverything g like we used to do. Meanwhile, in my head
\nmy life is falling apart. I say nothing more than “hes at
\nher house”. She tells me “go home, chrissy.” I do. I grab
\nour family picture right off the wall and grab a knife
\nand drive right back to her house. No one will answer
\nthe door but I can hear whispering. I see his shoes
\nthrough the back door that is open a crack. I throw our
\nfamily picture through the door and proceed to slash
\nall 4 tires on my truck. But he tells me hes done with
\nher and she says it too and I take him back.
\nShortly after, we go out for dinner and drinks and I’m
\nwalking back up to the house and I hear the loudest
\nbang. I run into the house and lock the door. He shot a
\nhandgun while my back was turned. I called the police.
\nHes charged with unauthorized use of a firearm and
\ndomestic aggravated assault and gets locked up. The
\ngirlfriend pays his bond and hes released but there is a
\nprotection order. Losing him to this female consumed
\nme. My friends told me to just quit, be done,
\n“he won’t
\nchange”. I just felt like I was losing. He had always told
\nme I’d be nothing with out him and I believed it. All I’d
\never wanted to be was a mother and a wife and my
\nlife is falling apart. This goes on for 2 years. Him going
\nback to her then back to me then back to her. Most
\nof the times I’d find out by her calling or messaging
\nme because she was mad at him and wanted him to
\npay. But he has her in this same cycle hes had me in
\nfor years. I was so jealous of her for years. Compared myself to pictures of her. I’ve had 4 kids and don’t have
\nany business comparing myself to a 21 year old. My
\nself esteem and self worth is shot. There’s nothing left.
\nInside I’m dead for the most part and just get through
\nmy days feeling numb.
\nMore flowers. I’m telling everyone how he’s changed
\nand we’re doing so much better and we are such
\na happy family. He gives me the largest diamond
\nring I’ve ever seen and we plan to renew our vows.
\nHes back to accusing me of doing things with men
\nat work. Hes coming out to my every lunch break
\nand mean mugging every person. But I’m still telling
\neveryone “everything’s ok. We love each other more
\nthan we ever have”.
\nMore fighting. Always physical. And it’s both of us.
\nHe’s hitting me. I’m swinging away at him. Another
\nsuicide attempt while I’m drunk and and in my wedding
\ndress because I want to wear it once before I die.
\nAnother hospital stay. More flowers.
\nWe renewed our vows a few weeks after he held
\nme down on our kitchen floor while the kids were
\nat school, braced himself with the kitchen stove
\nand jumped as hard as he could into my back. Both
\nof us sober, but he came home from work and
\nI was on my phone.
\nI can’t tell you how many phones I went through. How
\nmany windows were busted. How many mirrors were
\nbashed off the side of my vehicle as I tried to drive
\naway. There are alot of other instances and alot of them are too bad to repeat and only those very close
\nto me know those stories. You have no idea how
\ningrained I was to this man. The cycle of violence
\nhappened over and over. My counselor called it the
\nhoneymoon cycle. Things are great, then good, then
\nnot so good, then something triggers a fight and then
\nall hell breaks loose. Flowers. Over and over. I can’t
\nescape. I know I cant support my kids and myself. So
\nI stay. Now that Tristen is older, he takes alot of his
\nanger out on her and I cant do anything or he turns
\non me too. I’ve failed her.
\nOne of the last fights we had, he threw my S4 at the
\nback of my head when I was doing laundry. It’s broken
\nnow. I can’t do this today. I grab the money I’ve been
\nslowly hoarding and hiding in a Glade air freshener.
\nI escape the house. I’m locked in my van, crying. My
\nkids are in the house. How can I leave them? The van
\nis started. Hes telling me to come in the house but I
\nwill not. I put the van in reverse. There goes my mirror.
\nI say fuck it. I go to a casino, buy 8 strawberritas, my
\ndrink of choice back then and figure this is my last
\nday on earth, take a bottle full of xanax and put my
\nmoney into the machine and win. I won alot. Like
\nalmost $400. Neat. I go to walmart and buy a cheap
\nphone. And that was all she wrote. They found me on
\nthe floor in Walmart and called the police. Then called
\nthe ambulance. I’m back in the ICU for 4 days. They
\ntell me I can go voluntarily to Avera Behavior Health or
\nI can go involuntarily. I consent to treatment and I’m released to get some things from home and go straight
\nto Sioux Falls. Bob buys me a beer and gives me a
\nvicodin. I cry in the shower as he packs me a bag.
\nAvera was the best thing that happened to me. I took
\nCBT therapy and they put me on a mix of medication.
\nI’m diagnosed with Dysthymia disorder and general\u2010
\nized anxiety. One of the medications was to help me
\nlose weight because I had such body dysmorphic is\u2010
\nsues. I thought I was fat and if I wasnt fat I’d feel better
\nabout myself. By the weeks end, I could see clearer.
\nI actually dreaded when he picked me up. The ride
\nhome was so different. The only way I could describe it
\nwas normally you look out into fields and just see stuff.
\nI could see everything, I could see for miles. I continue
\nwith my new medication at home. I spend multiple
\nhours cleaning the house. Spotless, every day.
\nThe unimaginable happens. Tristen turns 18. She tells
\nme the morning of that today was the last day she
\nwould live with us. I understood as I wanted to escape
\nso badly too. I sign over a bill of sale to her car so he
\ncouldnt take it and I pretended I had no clue of what
\nwas going to happen that night. I’m angry he took
\nmy baby away. The child I loved so much and didnt
\ndo everything in my power to give her the life a child
\ndeserves. This escalates to the very last time I let him
\nhit me. The picture, i look at still constantly to this day
\nas a reminder to what I’ve been through and what I’ll
\nnever put up with again. He wakes me in the middle of
\nthe night, so drunk and asks me “who is 8814228?” I have no clue I tell him. I’m tired. I start crying because
\nI knew this was going to be an all night fight and I’m
\nso, so tired. “Who’s 8814228? I’m only asking you one
\nmore time. Who the fuck is 8814228?” Hes sitting on
\nmy chest in our bed and he punches me, hard. I lost
\nconsciousness. He leaves me and goes out to the
\nkitchen to drink more. I slowly pack some things and
\nhe tells me “good, get the fuck out of my house. Noone
\nwants you here. I dont. The kids dont”. I wait for him to
\ngo to bed. He wont. Finally I peek out. His head is on
\nthe counter. I sneak out and he pops up and laughs.
\nGrabs my garbage bags of things, rips them open
\nshakes them all out. In a sing song tone he mocks
\nme,
\n“You’re not going anywhere, you’re not going
\nanywhere”. He slices his arm and says “you did this to
\nme, you’re going to jail.” I grab my medication and my
\ndead dogs ashes and a pair of black pants for work the
\nnext day and run. I go to the parking lot of the Super 8.
\nI have to work there in a few hours and I hide. My eye is
\ncompletely swollen shut. I had sent the picture earlier
\nin the night when i was hiding from bob to tristen and
\ntold her to please keep the picture as i was going to
\ndelete it from the phone i sent it from. She showed this
\nphoto to my sister and her husband. When I was at
\nwork that day, bob swung through and took my phone
\nfrom my housekeeping cart and shortly after that my
\nbrother in law showed up and said “you’re coming to
\nlive with us, TODAY!!” I was so relieved. He also called
\nthe cops and bob returned my phone. I went to live
\nwith Heather but the head games continued still. He would follow me at work. He even stalked one of my
\ncoworkers. He rushed into heathers house and stole
\nmy phone again. Always so concerned that I was
\ncheating on him. He said he couldn’t handle the kids
\nso they came to my sisters too but the room we stayed
\nin was so small for all of us and they weren’t happy.
\nHe eventually took the kids and ran off in the middle
\nof the night to Minnesota. He wouldnt let me talk to
\nthem and what he was doing was completely legal
\nsince we were married. I filed for pro se divorce myself
\nand waited. I filed for an order of protection. I rented a
\nsmall house and he eventually came back and violated
\nthe order. I was able to get the kids back because he
\nwas in jail. I ended up getting custody of the kids when
\nthe divorce was granted.
\nThere is alot to my story than what you have just read.
\nI don’t trust men. Only recently have I been able to look
\nin a mirror and find one or two things attractive about
\nmyself. I’m still so scared to open up to anyone or feel
\nthat vulnerable with anyone again. Not only that, I
\ndon’t know how. I know abuse and dysfunction. I have
\nsevere guilt about how I raised my children and what
\nI allowed them to see. Taught them the wrong ways
\nto show and receive love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month. I think more people than I care to admit know that I know more about Domestic Violence than anyone should. Or my kids should. When I was 22 I met my future husband and immediately fell in love with him and what he was about. From the moment […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":164,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,344,668],"tags":[665,374],"class_list":["post-16996","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-break-your-silence","category-survivor-stories","category-survivor-stories-2","tag-eltmpl","tag-survivor-stories"],"yoast_head":"\n