Confusion – Doubt – Uncertainty
Basically, I am a very questioning person.\u00a0I want to know how things and people work. Yet, I have spent all of my married life in confusion.\u00a0 Whenever I questioned anything, my husband took it as an affront to him and his position of head of the family.\u00a0 I have always wondered why did I hurt\u00a0deep\u00a0in\u00a0my\u00a0heart.\u00a0 He assured me he loved me but he treated me in a very different way than love, at least according to me… more doubt.\u00a0 He accused me of being devil-possessed when I was throwing up when pregnant, being sexually abused as a child, having mental problems, not being able to get along with my bosses and coworkers and the list goes on.\u00a0 Doubt.
He hit me once in our early marriage but I bruise easily so his abuse showed. That could not be allowed because he was a perfect man and husband to the outside world. This was 52 years of how my married life went.\u00a0 There was good things; God is good and God was always there in my life.\u00a0 After we retired, my husband and I spent a lot of time together and life rocked on but, of course, the uncertainty was always there.\u00a0 He also because abusive more frequently. Was love supposed to hurt this way?\u00a0 He would go off (for what I could see no reason) and give me a good verbal bashing with cuss words.\u00a0 He didn’t see it as a big deal; everyone says things they don’t mean when they are upset.\u00a0 More confusion.\u00a0 By 2018, I was hurting badly.\u00a0 I prayed daily God would show him what he was doing to me; I was down, broken, and more confused than ever.\u00a0\u00a0
January 2019.\u00a0 He needed medication so he was making an appointment with the doctor.\u00a0 I explained to him that he would not get to see the doctor anytime soon but a PA could give him his meds.\u00a0 He was on hold on the telephone and complaining that he needed to be on the treadmill.\u00a0 I told him I would hold the phone for him and make his appointment.\u00a0 (I tried to always fix things for him and make him happy).\u00a0 \u00a0When he saw his appointment was with a PA, he went off on me with verbal abuse and cuss words.\u00a0 I ask him to let me finish cooking lunch and for him to go sit in his recliner.\u00a0 He then cowered as he left the kitchen and said that I had hurt him yesterday, a ploy he uses often to continue the abuse.\u00a0 He said I told our daughter that he pushed me while we were walking and I fell.\u00a0 Since he had done this kind of thing often and I always had no proof of my innocence (his word against mine); I thought “Oh, my daughter can vouch for me” and she did but he said he still believed that I accused him of pushing me.
That moment, God stepped in and told me I did not have to stay in that confusing atmosphere any longer.\u00a0 I said to John “I am out of here” with no idea of how or where.\u00a0 God took over and in six months I was moving into my new peaceful home after so many miracles God performed.\u00a0 It was amazing how God opened doors and showed me how I could spend my time reading His word, praying to him, praising him, and living life for him instead of for my husband.\u00a0 Wonderful.
October 2023.\u00a0 John was still in my life in a general way (we share a daughter and two grandsons) but he is still throwing out doubt and uncertainty.\u00a0 He said he wanted a divorce so he could pursue a relationship.\u00a0 I realized I could not afford to lose my health insurance.\u00a0 I emailed him the next day and with all the style of a confuser, he blamed me for wanting a divorce and that he loved me and always will.\u00a0 I was concerned about his relationship with God and thought maybe if we got counseling (with all the emotional upheaval), he would recognize his deceit.\u00a0 \u00a0I prayed and God told me to read His Word.\u00a0 I argued with God and said I read your word everyday and don’t have the answer.\u00a0 God said read My Word.\u00a0 I opened my Bible in the middle (there is a reason Psalms is in the middle) and there at the top of the page was Psalms 18:46-49 (read it).\u00a0 God said, paraphrased in my words, I got you out of the abusive situation and you do not ever have to go back or rehash the bad.\u00a0 John’s relationship with God is his own responsibility not yours.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Confusion – Doubt – UncertaintyBasically, I am a very questioning person.\u00a0I want to know how things and people work. Yet, I have spent all of my married life in confusion.\u00a0 Whenever I questioned anything, my husband took it as an affront to him and his position of head of the family.\u00a0 I have always wondered […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":164,"featured_media":18185,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,344],"tags":[92,161,162,90,665,116,117,115,374,128,34],"class_list":["post-18857","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-break-your-silence","category-survivor-stories","tag-abuse","tag-break-the-silence-against-domestic-violence","tag-btsadv","tag-domestic-violence","tag-eltmpl","tag-emotional-abuse","tag-physical-abuse","tag-survivor","tag-survivor-stories","tag-trauma","tag-verbal-abuse"],"yoast_head":"\n