“Coercive control, abuse, grooming, and power imbalances”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***Trigger Warning: This is a frank discussion of abuse, grooming, and love-bombing. There is a mention of alleged illegal activities committed by Nail Gaiman which may be sensitive to viewers. Please proceed with caution.***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Welsh Women\u2019s Aid defines coercive control as \u201ccontinuous patterns of behavior that are intended to exert power or control over a survivor.\u201d This definition conjures images of an enraged, often drunk man directing his violence toward walls, furniture, cars, his wife, and sometimes even his children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As more and more individuals \u201cwake up\u201d from the fallacy of \u201cAmerican exceptionalism\u201d, they begin to see through the veil of American propaganda. We find ourselves questioning not just isolated incidents, but our entire world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This piece is my attempt to grapple with these questions. Both for myself and, perhaps, for others who are navigating similar realizations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had my first sexual experience at the age of 14, with a boyfriend who was 18 at the time. There was always an underlying darkness and negativity to it. An element I didn\u2019t fully recognize until I listened to the Tortoise Podcast. For those who haven\u2019t tuned in (and I highly recommend you do), this isn\u2019t solely about Neil Gaiman. Rather, it is about the power imbalances necessary for exerting coercive control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is a conversation that was first brought to my attention by a wonderful group of Black, Indigenous, and other people of color I discovered on TikTok. These creators were discussing white women \u2014 or \u201cKarens\u201d \u2014 and their role in perpetuating these power dynamics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even now, I find it difficult to view that experience solely in a negative light. But, the point isn\u2019t whether or not I saw it as such at the time, but rather the coercive control that was present. This control was a product of my young age. My naivety. A man\u2019s desire to use those qualities for his ends without concern for my well-being on any level. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The thing that drew me in was the \u201cnotoriety\u201d I gained among my friends and classmates for dating an older boyfriend. While money wasn\u2019t involved, it was made clear to me that once we\u2019d had sex, it would have to continue for the relationship to persist. If I failed to meet that expectation, I would be ignored while he pursued other girls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The dangling of this string represents the coercive control present. It can be challenging to recognize, especially for those who haven\u2019t experienced it firsthand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Furthermore, it\u2019s often difficult for many of us to reflect on times when we couldn\u2019t even legally consent. To genuinely believe that our actions were what we truly desired. This is the crux of the issue. The nuances of coercive control can be obscure due to its hidden and insidious nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The CPD Online College Knowledge Base provides a more comprehensive definition. \u201cCoercive control refers to a pattern of different actions that seek to exert dominance and control over an individual through psychological and emotional manipulation.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s this psychological and emotional manipulation that makes coercive control so challenging to identify. Many myths surrounding domestic violence cases can also be applied to cases of coercive control. If my adult boyfriend and I had lived together, our relationship would have qualified as domestic violence. Even in the absence of physical violence due to the presence of his coercive control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This progressive understanding of coercive control can be applied to various aspects. Not only of racism and misogyny, but also of capitalism in the United States. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As an American, we are all subject to the whims of powerful entities. Including corporations that, under the guise of \u201ccorporate personhood\u201d afforded by rulings such as Citizens United. They exert control over our access to essential resources. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Our ability to obtain water, housing, food, communication, hygiene, healthcare, and much more is inextricably tied to the exploitation of our labor. Not to mention to the corporations that provide these necessities \u2014 but only at a cost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The fear of the unknown and life without our abusers often keeps us trapped in cycles of abuse. We remain resigned to being small, quiet, and compliant. This self-deception is a crucial aspect of the grooming process. As it plants the seeds of control deep within the victim\u2019s psyche.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite recent progress, the concept of grooming is still relatively new and poorly understood in the modern world. Other countries have made significant strides in defining and addressing coercive control, leaving America lagging behind in legal protections. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, the exposure of grooming tactics within cult-like organizations such as NXIVM offers hope for increased awareness and accountability in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After escaping a relationship marred by coercive control and receiving a late ADHD diagnosis, I found solace and understanding in learning about cults. Immersing myself in books, documentaries, and research on the subject. This helped me to unravel the intricate web of manipulation that had captured me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
By recognizing the red flags that I previously dismissed during the grooming and love-bombing stages, I was able to embark on a challenging, yet ultimately empowering, process of deprogramming my mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, with this newfound awareness, I can\u2019t help but empathize deeply with the women who have bravely stepped forward. They come forward to share their experiences involving Neil Gaiman. Their accounts resonate with me on a personal level. Offering a chilling reminder of the far-reaching nature of coercive control and the importance of shedding light on such hidden abuses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Having lived through coercive control before, these are the aspects of Gaiman\u2019s story that gave my brain alarm bells:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Inaccessibility: Despite Neil\u2019s reputation for being accessible to his fans, the blog post in question (another brilliant breakdown of the post can be found here) does not allow for comments, which raises suspicions about his vehement denial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a long-time member of my local BDSM communities, I find the reported rush into rough sexual activity and a power dynamic described by several victims particularly concerning. The OH Collective notes that such experiences can be intense and intimate, requiring a great deal of trust between partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Additionally, as someone familiar with BDSM practices, I find it unlikely that an interest in \u201cmild BDSM\u201d would translate to anal sex without lubricant (or with inappropriate lubricant) or penetration with a vaginal infection. Both of these practices are considered highly dangerous, even within the BDSM community.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Given Neil Gaiman\u2019s decision to hire Andrew Brettler, concerns have been raised about Gaiman\u2019s alleged innocence. Brettler is a lawyer known for representing controversial figures like Prince Andrew and Danny Masterson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Prince Andrew was allowed to settle rather than being questioned (the monarchy strikes again). While Masterson is currently serving a 30-year prison sentence for forcible rape. Given this context, Gaiman\u2019s decision to hire Brettler raises questions about his own alleged innocence, as it does not appear to be the choice of a man who is confident of his own exoneration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The \u201cautism excuse\u201d is, to me, a gendered issue. As a late-diagnosed neurodivergent person, I\u2019m aware of the societal expectations for women to minimize themselves and prioritize the feelings, ideas, and demands of others, particularly men. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In this context, a man who claims to be a \u201cfeminist ally\u201d should be cognizant of these dynamics. Thus, the use of the \u201cautism excuse\u201d by such a man reeks of weaponized incompetence, as it seems to capitalize on gendered expectations rather than genuinely grapple with neurodivergence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While I cannot claim firsthand knowledge of the specific events in question, what I do know is that many women are all too familiar with the dark and negative feelings associated with coercive control. This form of control often exploits women\u2019s societal conditioning, which teaches us to prioritize the needs of others over our own. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Although it is important to acknowledge that men do not always hold power and dominance in abusive relationships, the gendered aspects of coercive control cannot be ignored, as they contribute to a widespread understanding among women of these harmful experiences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite the prevalence of coercive control in our society, there is a surprising lack of research on how patriarchal societal conditioning contributes to the exploitation of women through this form of manipulation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
While the dynamics of power imbalances in romantic relationships have been studied more extensively, coercive control can also infiltrate other aspects of our lives, particularly when non-celebrities work for celebrities\u2013as is the case for a couple of Gaiman\u2019s victims.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rowena Chiu\u2019s experience working for Harvey Weinstein highlights the power imbalance in these situations, as she described feeling as though her identity had been erased and her needs overshadowed by her employer\u2019s. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This example underscores the urgency of broadening our understanding of coercive control and recognizing its insidious presence in various contexts, particularly where power imbalances exist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a 2013 published interview, when asked what it means to him to be an adult, Gaiman said, \u201cIt has to do with people not telling me what to do. It has to do with power.\u201d And, \u201cWaking up whenever you want is power. Going to bed when you want is power.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
These statements are telling\u2013that power is something he considers to be important. But the statement most telling about that specific interview, is this quote: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWomen know more about men than men know about women because there is a power imbalance there. Invaded people know more about the occupying forces than the occupying forces know about the invaded people. This is because there is a power imbalance there. And children know more about adults than adults know about children, for exactly the same reason.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These quotes make it indelibly clear to me that he does understand the inherent power imbalance between men and women. Particularly in the spaces of the world he inhabits. It seems unlikely he would miss the power imbalance created by his celebrity and fans. Not to mention, those working for him, and the significant age gaps in his relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Apparently, we still have a way to go to get men to listen and take accountability for their actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Read more about abuse at www.btsadv.com\/blog <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n