{"id":8576,"date":"2019-03-04T14:37:04","date_gmt":"2019-03-04T21:37:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/c76.aa7.myftpupload.com\/?p=8576"},"modified":"2019-03-04T14:37:06","modified_gmt":"2019-03-04T21:37:06","slug":"survivor-story-i-was-afraid-of-losing-my-family-and-being-alone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/?p=8576","title":{"rendered":"Survivor Story: I Was Afraid of Losing My Family and Being Alone"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Written by: Annie, Survivor<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*This story is one from a series of four submitted by the survivor.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember the first time I\ngot punched. I fell against the wall and sobbed. I remember being called\na “pussy” because I was crying. I remember a few specific phone calls\nwhen I called some of my best friends from back home. On one of those calls, I\nwas crying so hard, asking for advice \u2013 begging for answers \u2013 and feeling completely lost not knowing what the hell I\nshould do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I saw other couples all the time who looked so happy, and I constantly asked myself, “Why am I staying with someone who hurts me like this?”<\/em>\nSo many times, I wished that I could trade places with these couples, strangers\nthat I knew nothing about but saw their happiness radiating off them and wished so badly that I could be them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thinking back, there\nwere a few specific times that I thought that I was going to die. I remember\nlocking myself in my bedroom or the bathroom for hours so I could try and\nconvince myself that I was okay. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The holes in the wall from him punching it should have been\na dangerous sign, but I ignored it because I wanted to help him. I could go on and on and list all the things he\nbroke of mine: a few phones, an iTouch, a tablet, a computer, and a body\nmirror. There were so many things that at this point I’ve pretty much lost count. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “Annie, you are good enough; you’re a\ngood wife. He didn’t mean it, stop crying!”<\/em> as tears were rolling down\nmy face. I cried myself to sleep most nights but\nput on a big smile during the day. The last few years stirred up a lot of mixed\nemotions. At first, I felt love, but now\nI don’t think it was really love at all. It\nwasn’t the love I deserved. Getting cheated on wasn’t even comparable to other\nthings that were going on behind the scenes…\nbut they all hurt, and I let it destroy me for years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt betrayal, anger, loneliness, and heartache\u2026 but mostly I felt fear \u2013 fear that my\nrelationship was ending and that I would be all alone; I was so terrified of that. So terrified that I was willing to\nstay with someone who betrayed my trust. So terrified that I was willing to\naccept being treated as less than I deserved. I worried that my family\nwould be destroyed. I left college for\nthis guy and moved hundreds of miles away to be with him. I dealt with a lot of things I shouldn’t have had to deal\nwith because I loved him and wanted to make him happy \u2013 even if it meant I\nwasn’t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He said he didn’t know why he\ndid what he did; he’d apologize so many times, and he’d hold me even when I didn’t\nwant to be held. Usually, he would blame\nthe military for his actions, and then he’d flip the script and make it all my\nfault by making me think that I was the bad guy \u2013 that I was the reason for his\nactions and that I was the ONLY one to bring out his “crazy side.” He\nsaid he was “fine before me.” I know now that it wasn’t true though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He convinced me that nobody would ever find me attractive \u2013\nthat nobody would want or love me \u2013 and I 100% believed that… <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hoped and prayed that\nthings would get better. I booked nice vacations and planned out day\ntrips to the lake. I did everything I could to saver\nmy marriage, but it wasn’t good enough. I know that when I say this, I\u2019m not\nthe only one that has felt this way. I know some of you have been there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know that there are a lot\nof us that stay in bad relationships\nbecause we have convinced ourselves that being disrespected is better than\nbeing alone. It took me a while to\nrealize that I shouldn\u2019t fear that. I thought that I couldn’t do anything by\nmyself because, for the most part, I relied on him so much for everything. If I\nhad never realized my strength, I wouldn’t have stayed away, and I probably\nwouldn’t have ever started modeling again. I sure as hell wouldn’t have\nrediscovered my love for music if I continued to “listen” and\n“settle.” I was convinced for\nso long that if I followed my dreams, I would lose my family and everything\nelse around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One day, though, I woke up and decided I wasn’t going to\nsettle anymore! I slowly but surely remembered who Annie was \u2013 the girl with\nher own goals and dreams \u2013 and now I’m finding myself again\u2026 the\n“Annie” that was tucked away for so long. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the end, I did end\nup losing my family… BUT I didn’t end\nup losing it all. When I look at my beautiful boy, I know that I’m doing the\nright thing. Even though I’m a single mom and ALONE, I know that I can\naccomplish anything. I’m going to teach my son what love really is, and from this point on, I’m never going to make the same mistake again. I’m\nnever going to give that power to anyone ever again either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m still fighting this fight, but I won’t give up. My\nsafety and my son’s safety are all that matters. I’m divorced now, but I still have to face my abuser. Every day I get stronger, and I don’t let his\nharsh words and actions hurt me anymore. PTSD therapy has helped so much, and I\nstrongly recommend victims to start therapy\nbecause it really helps the healing\nprocess. As far as my situation goes, I will continue to fight for my son, and hopefully,\nsomeday we will be completely free. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

“No one has the power to\nshatter your own dreams unless you\ngive it to them.\u201d \u2013 Maeve Greyson<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo one has the right to\ndisrespect you; no one should make you feel worthless.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hope by me revealing some of my hidden secrets that you\nwill realize your own worth and that you\nwill stop settling too! \u2764<\/p>\n\n\n\n

**If you or someone you know is in an abusive\nrelationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org<\/a>,\nchat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777, or send a private\nmessage through our Facebook page.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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What\u2019s YOUR Raw Truth?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sharing our stories can be incredibly empowering while also\nhelping others connect with survivors who have similar experiences. If you are\ninspired to share your story with us, complete the form below. You can choose\nto remain anonymous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n