{"id":9813,"date":"2019-08-25T21:44:29","date_gmt":"2019-08-26T04:44:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/btsadv.wpengine.com\/?p=9530"},"modified":"2025-01-01T12:03:38","modified_gmt":"2025-01-01T19:03:38","slug":"emotional-abuse-and-sleep-deprivation-as-tools-of-coercion-part-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/?p=9813","title":{"rendered":"Emotional Abuse and Sleep Deprivation as Tools of Coercion \u2013 Part One"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter is-resized\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/Teen-DV-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-9533\" width=\"668\" height=\"446\"\/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Written and adapted by: Amy, BTSADV Volunteer<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Commonly misjudged as a trivial matter, verbal and emotional\nabuse are perhaps two of the most used tools in the abuser\u2019s arsenal. It is not\ndifficult to think non-physical abuse is not all that serious, because there\nare no visible wounds left behind when abusers use these tactics.&nbsp;This is\nproblematic, even dangerous, because in general \u2013 except for more severe\ninjuries \u2013 the wounds physical abuse leaves on our bodies heal, even if they\nleave behind some scarring. Meanwhile, emotional trauma slowly corrodes and\ncompromises the integrity of our well-being&nbsp;like acid on the inside where\nno one can see it happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Even though we feel the pain of non-physical abuse, outsiders\ncan dismiss or deny its profoundly scarring effects on our hearts and psyche\nbecause they can\u2019t see the damage. Denial and dismissal of the severity of\nverbal and emotional abuse by others can influence victims and survivors to shy\naway from seeking help from mental health professionals. The inability to acknowledge\nthat it is a common weapon used in abusive relationships contributes to a host\nof mental health conditions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Another tool used by abusers that few recognize as abusive\nis forced sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation is a hybrid of emotional and\nphysical abuse. Not only are there profound emotional effects on the victim\nwhen sleep deprivation is used, but there are also dangerous physical effects\nas well. Information above and beyond surface references made by domestic\nviolence agencies about forced sleep deprivation in the context of intimate\npartner can be hard to find.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I wanted to talk about the impact of verbal and emotional\nabuse when combined with forced sleep deprivation because it is often the\n\u201cinvisible\u201d aspects of domestic violence that are the most damaging and hardest\nto heal. Too many believe that these invisible methods of abuse are of little\nconsequence because physical abuse proves an undeniable danger to any victim\nwho finds themselves on the receiving end. So, what, then, makes them so\ndangerous? Let us first look at how it unfolds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The abuser moves in strong and fast to shower us with \u2018love\u2019\nand attention. Referred to as \u2018love-bombing\u2019 during the binding phase, this is\na tactic used by the abuser to manufacture an appearance of appreciation, respect,\nand love. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/Good-times-3-1024x683.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-9532\" width=\"668\" height=\"443\"\/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They fill our emotional needs and demonstrate almost\noverzealous support of us.&nbsp;Initially, our independence, intelligence, and\nother positive qualities are things they like most.&nbsp;As we are unaware,\nthey devour our emotional core on a reconnaissance mission disguised as genuine\ninterest to get to know who we are. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">With reckless abandon, they seek our past hurts, fears, and\ndisappointments, our secrets, shame, and failures. Why? Because they \u2018care\u2019\nabout us. Because they want to know everything about us. Because, they claim,\nthey are in awe of our strength.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They even engage in quid-pro-quo, sharing past hurts and\ndisappointments, mistakes, and shame because they know this helps pull us in.\nBecause we view this as refreshing \u2013 this vulnerability that perhaps past\npartners did not share \u2013 and we feel honored that they would trust us with this\ninformation. We continue to share more, revealing a wealth of information they\nwill soon use against us. By then, we have already become ensnared in their\ntrap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Verbal abuse is initially used on its own to condition us to\nsmall amounts of negativity without alerting us that something is going wrong.\nInitially, it can be misinterpreted as an isolated incident because the\nbehavior has not yet been normalized in the relationship. The abuser may snap\nat us and then apologize by saying they are just stressed, frustrated, tired,\nor having a bad day. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It is easy to miss because&nbsp;<em>do we not all have those\ndays occasionally<\/em>? &nbsp;And up until now, they have been attentive,\ncaring, and loving while they attempt to sweep us off our feet. They have \u2013\nsometimes passionately \u2013 stood up for us, providing backup when needed, and all\nthe while, we are unaware that we are being primed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once the abuser feels they have successfully desensitized us,\nthe verbal abuse takes a dark turn, often becoming overt and cruel. As it\nescalates, their language shifts to ambiguity that is often missed early on.\nWhat was initially offered up as a compliment now becomes a suggestion that we\ndo the opposite \u2013 always with a \u2018kind\u2019 reason \u2013 or questioning why we do not do\nwhat they \u2018suggested\u2019 we do before. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>\u201cYou look so good with short hair!\u201d<\/em>&nbsp;becomes, <em>\u201cI\nthought I told I don\u2019t like long hair.\u201d<\/em>&nbsp;&nbsp;Before we know it,\nthe&nbsp;<em>\u201cI thought I said\u2026\u201d<\/em>&nbsp;statements turn into&nbsp;<em>\u201cYou know\nI don\u2019t like that, you must be doing that for someone else.\u201d<\/em>&nbsp;&nbsp;We\nbegin to feel self-conscious, perhaps unreasonable, or as though we are not\nsensitive to their needs, so we begin to adapt our behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In the early stages of emotional abuse, although we generally remain unaware that their actions are manipulative, we still feel intuitively that something is going wrong. Instead of questioning our partner\u2019s behavior, however, we begin to question ours. This is a result of carefully manipulated gaslighting. \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/Shame-1.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-9534\" width=\"668\" height=\"448\"\/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">During the early stage of emotional abuse, we may think that\nwe did something to upset them because we have not seen this side of them before.&nbsp;Initially,\nwe alter our behavior without necessarily assuming the burden of\nfault.&nbsp;Many of us do this when we recognize our actions unintentionally offending\nor hurting someone. We alter our behavior out of sensitivity to them because we\nwant them to know we care about the way we treat them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Eventually, it moves beyond showing respect for someone\u2019s\nfeelings, and self-blame slowly sets in.&nbsp;We will reach a point when we\nbegin to tell ourselves that their adverse reaction \u2013 anger, hurt, offense \u2013 is\nwholly our fault. The difference between this may seem small or insignificant,\nbut it is really not. It is imperative to understand that the divide between\nthem is expansive. The former one is healthy, and the latter is not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Abusers sense when we start to blame ourselves for how they\ntreat us, and they escalate the verbal and emotional abuse into insidiously\ndestructive, cruel acts that are an assault upon our emotional well-being. We\nstart out independent and confident and soon descend into a battle that we are\nnot equipped for. More than merely losing those qualities, they are ripped away\nfrom us and replaced with self-loathing and shame. Abusers must change how we\nfeel about ourselves, because&nbsp;positive self-image is a<em> direct and\nimmediate threat to their ability to assume control<\/em>, and the abuser seeks\nto liquidate them at all costs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yes, they know they are breaking us; it helps them gain\ncontrol. Once we have been conditioned, it makes it difficult to leave. When we\nquestion them about the way they are treating us, they will push back and quash\nour attempt to stand up for ourselves.&nbsp;Every time we try, they are waiting\nwith the appropriate responses to throw us into confusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>\u201cI can\u2019t believe you\u2019re accusing me of doing that!\u00a0Have I ever done anything to hurt you? Who was the one who was there for you when everyone else turned away?! Who helped you then? And now you stand there and accuse me of hurting you? I would NEVER do anything to hurt you. What\u2019s wrong with you? How could you treat me like this after everything I do for you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">By the end, where we were once so sure that we were being\nmistreated, we now accuse ourselves of being unreasonable or insensitive. We\nreason that we must have done something wrong, and then we feel a twinge well\nup in our stomachs admonishing us to shrink back in silence. Where did this\ncome from? This self-awareness? This self-doubt? This\u2026. shame. This feeling of\nbeing \u2018the bad person.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once the abuser is aware that the seed of shame has been\nplanted, they know they have purchased our silence. Expect escalation; just how\nsevere this becomes varies from person to person. No two abusers move through\nthe methods of abuse in the same way, although they do all employ the same\ngeneral tools. The tools themselves are all textbook. The level of devastation\nthey wreak, however, is not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That person who loved and respected us our intelligence,\ncharacter, strength, independence, and beauty now says how much they despise us,\nthat we are disgusting, stubborn, and selfish. The names we are called are\ncountless. Their verbal venom becomes intricately entwined in veiled threats of\nharm \u2013 both verbal and physical \u2013 and we begin to walk across the eggshells\ndesperately trying not to break or crack them under the weight of our shame and\nworthlessness that now swirls about in our heads.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Our self-confidence and value for ourselves are replaced with\nself-loathing, and we are conditioned to believe that all the hurtful things said\nto us are true. Soon we reach the point where we become resigned to being at\nfault. Even as we try desperately to change ourselves to be a better partner, we\ncan never do or say anything right. That is deliberate, being sucked in the\ncycle of chasing futility so that we can be of worth again to them again. At\nthis point, leaving will become a battle. We are wholly invested and caught up\nin the entanglement of loving someone who is doing everything they can to break\nus so we will stay and take it without a fight. They plunder us until we have\nsurrendered control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/Distraught-Woman-10.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-9539\" width=\"544\" height=\"408\"\/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There is no greater pain than to feel yourself die while you are still alive. Hope fades away, carrying with it our self-worth, respect, and dignity. Abusers will not allow us the peace to mourn the loss of our emotional life or identity. There is no peace. And often, as was the case for me, when there is no life, hope, or peace in sight, we can start to think that being dead would not be so bad. Perhaps, as was the case for me, we may act on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The risks of self-harm, depression, and attempted suicide are\nbut a few of the dangers of systemic emotional abuse. It also impacts\npre-existing relationships \u2013 family, friends, co-workers \u2013 by dissociating from\nour emotional connections.&nbsp;We become just as much of a stranger to them as\nwe are to ourselves. It does not always stop at strain but can also destroy\nthose relationships. They may feel slighted, as though we do not care about\nthem, and unable to understand our situation, they may turn away.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It also hurts our prospects of forming new relationships. If\nwe cannot maintain relationships we already had, how can we expect to put\nourselves out there, baring our vulnerability and daring to extend trust to strangers\nwhen the person who was closest to us \u2013 the one person on earth whom we should\nhave been able to trust to keep us safe, love, and respect us \u2013 decided to\nshatter us?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It causes us to shrink back from life in an attempt to protect ourselves from further hurt. Our lives can become a pattern of going through the motions. Opportunities pass, we decline others. Why? We fear for our safety and everything that comes with it: judgment, criticism, not meeting expectations, possible humiliation, shame, and even punishment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Abuse is difficult enough to survive when enduring the\nabove. In parts two and three, we will look at forced sleep deprivation as a\ntool of abuse and what happens when the two are combined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>*This series has been adapted by the author from a series\nthat appeared originally on her personal blog.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;<em>If you or someone you know is in an abusive\nrelationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at\nwww.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at\n855-287-1777.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Written and adapted by: Amy, BTSADV Volunteer Commonly misjudged as a trivial matter, verbal and emotional abuse are perhaps two of the most used tools in the abuser\u2019s arsenal. It is not difficult to think non-physical abuse is not all that serious, because there are no visible wounds left behind when abusers use these tactics.&nbsp;This [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":9533,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[348,569],"tags":[161,162,90,116,241,128,34],"class_list":["post-9813","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","category-domestic-abuse","tag-break-the-silence-against-domestic-violence","tag-btsadv","tag-domestic-violence","tag-emotional-abuse","tag-sleep-deprivation","tag-trauma","tag-verbal-abuse"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Emotional Abuse and Sleep Deprivation as Tools of Coercion \u2013 Part One - Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/?p=9813\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Emotional Abuse and Sleep Deprivation as Tools of Coercion \u2013 Part One - Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Written and adapted by: Amy, BTSADV Volunteer Commonly misjudged as a trivial matter, verbal and emotional abuse are perhaps two of the most used tools in the abuser\u2019s arsenal. It is not difficult to think non-physical abuse is not all that serious, because there are no visible wounds left behind when abusers use these tactics.&nbsp;This [&hellip;]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/breakthesilencedv.org\/?p=9813\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/btsadv\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/btsadv\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-08-26T04:44:29+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2025-01-01T19:03:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"BreakTheSilenceDV\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@https:\/\/twitter.com\/btsadv\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@btsadv\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"BreakTheSilenceDV\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"10 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/?p=9813#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/?p=9813\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"BreakTheSilenceDV\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/346cc762df1101d60063c50a3656b46d\"},\"headline\":\"Emotional Abuse and Sleep Deprivation as Tools of Coercion \u2013 Part One\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-08-26T04:44:29+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2025-01-01T19:03:38+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/?p=9813\"},\"wordCount\":2019,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/?p=9813#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"\",\"keywords\":[\"break the silence against domestic violence\",\"btsadv\",\"domestic violence\",\"emotional abuse\",\"sleep deprivation\",\"trauma\",\"verbal abuse\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Blog\",\"Domestic Abuse\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/?p=9813\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/breakthesilencedv.org\\\/?p=9813\",\"name\":\"Emotional Abuse and Sleep Deprivation as Tools of Coercion \u2013 Part One - 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