By Survivor Amanda
**The following is written by a survivor of domestic violence and abuse and prolonged torture. Names have been changed to protect all involved.**
The torture I endured at the hands of my ex-husband can be incomprehensible to some. He didn’t look like an abuser. He didn’t act like an abuse in front of most people.
Very few people got a small glimpse at the abuse. Nobody noticed the chunk of missing hair, because I parted my hair to hide it. Everyone just noticed my new hair style and thought it was cute.
Nobody saw the bruises under the long sleeves and leggings, they just accepted the answer of I’m always cold.
My Body Suffers from the Torture I Endured
When I weighed only 98 pounds at 29-30 years old standing at 5’5, everyone said how great I looked. No one questioned the black eye in my passport photo. The doctors didn’t question if I really fell down the stairs for a 3rd time.
Nobody knew that I barely slept and most times when I did, I slept on the couch so he wouldn’t rape me as often. Nobody asked why, when I didn’t leave my house for days, when I was in too much pain, or the bruising was too hard to hide.
I learned how to wrap my own ribs to avoid another trip to the doctor’s office or the emergency room. I posted all the beautiful flower on social media, and I boasted about the gifts he brought me. However, I never told anyone they were his way of apologizing for another beating, or another night he raped me.
“I was ashamed.”
I was to afraid to ask for help. I believed him when he said he would make me disappear. Especially after he drove me by a hog farm and explained in graphic detail how he would get away with it.
I was only given an allowance to buy groceries and household necessities, I had to give him every receipt. I didn’t have access to money to escape.
He used the children as weapons. He said that if I did leave him alive, I’d never see my kids again. I believed him.
One day it got so bad I didn’t have a choice but to call 911.
“That day saved my life.”
He was arrested and put into confinement (military). The advocates that I had were nothing short of amazing, and they inspired me to become an advocate too.
It wasn’t easy, but minute by minute, then day by day I survived.
Now I am 5 years free from my ex-husband, and we will never be in contact again. He has no rights to my children now.
I still have flashbacks. I still have nightmares from the torture. But day by day, month by month, it’s still getting easier.
Next week I am getting married to an absolutely amazing man. He brings so much love and laughter into my life, my children’s lives. Life is so beautiful now.
Check These Resources:
- Understanding Coercive Control
- Online Dating Safety
- Complete Guide to Mindful Meditation, and Emotional Healing.
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
Support Line
Other Resources and Information:
- Resource Centers | The Administration for Children and Families
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Domestic Violence Support
- Local Resources for Survivors | The Hotline
