Survivor Story: I Attempted Suicide and Then Learned I Was Pregnant
Written by: BTSADV Survivor
I’m 31, and my now husband is also 31. We met at 16. Textbook fairytale, every waking moment was spent with one another. We planned to have children, and even both attended a church where his grandmother was a pastor. He was my knight in shining armor who rescued me from the sexual abuse that was also going on from a member in my family.
Soon after we met and moved in together in early 20’s, the physical abuse started. When we argued, he would push me. I can remember our first argument was because I thought he liked a girl’s hair better than mine! I don’t recall the events that led up to this part, but he ended up pulling me by my hair down the hallway, almost to the steps; he stopped right before them. I remember him locking me out of our house – with our twin babies still inside. Holding me on the floor. Choking.
We were arguing once, and I can remember him putting my hands behind my back in a handcuff position. I was about six months pregnant. I called his sister a b***h because that’s whom we were fighting about. I tried to get loose and was screaming, so he headbutted me, and I fell to the floor screaming and crying so loud.
I left to go outside, but after a few apologies from him, I came back to the house. The name-calling, shaming, and humiliation continued. I slapped back. I fought back. I screamed back. I pressed charges once when I took his car keys and ran outside to key his car because he was going off on his verbally abusive rant. He chased me; I threw his car keys, and he pushed me outside in the street. I still have the scar on my left shoulder.
Fast forward to now – I married him in 2012. I thought we could change, so I asked if we could get married to make our family official. I still don’t understand why I would do that to myself and my children. We have been married for six years now. The only that changed is I’m now a saved Christian woman who relies deep on my faith to pull me through. The physical abuse has stopped; it’s now turned into emotional and mental abuse.
From 2012 to March 2018 I dealt with every type of manipulation and control tactic you could name. We separated once in 2015, but the “trauma bond” allowed him to move back into my home. Arguing in front of our children, humiliation, degrading remarks, foul language, threats, gaslighting, walking on eggshells, the addiction to porn – it was a hell that I couldn’t wait to escape from. My faith in God and my spiritual beliefs led me to think I needed to be in that relationship to please God. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
I got pregnant with our 4th baby in July 2017. Around that time, I also attempted to take my life because of how worthless he would make me feel. I didn’t know then that I was carrying a baby. It was in that moment where I decided enough is enough; I was moving out with my children, and I won’t ever be made to feel this way from a man again.
The entire pregnancy I felt alone. When I told him I was pregnant, he said I was trying to trap him and that I was lazy for not taking my birth control pills. He also suggested I get an abortion. Thank God for friends and family and my other children for their love and kindness.
In April 2018, I was approved for a home that I applied for YEARS ago through Section 8. It came right in time. I didn’t take any furniture. I only took clothes for the kids and me, their toys, my important papers, a couple of mattresses, and some blankets. I was just glad to be FREE. I had also in the previous month got approved for a new truck with seven seats. I had been driving a beaten up one that could only fit three of my children but not my newest baby. God is SO, SO Good!
I am now in my healing phase, attending church regularly, and focusing on rebuilding the joy that was robbed from my kids. My twins who are now nine have no idea of the abuse that went on right in front of them when they were babies.
I will not tell them unless I deem it necessary, because I want the children to have a relationship with their dad that’s not built on anger and bitterness or fear. I allow all my children to see their father. He moved in the same town as me so he can still see them. I am finding my voice, finding the courage to speak out, and sharing my story in hopes that there will be more survivors than there are victims.
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