Hold you. Rock you. Love yourself to the max. That is “the” thing… as you are HERE in the image of the Divine.
A high number of survivors of domestic violence identify themselves as deeply religious and/or spiritual; having a deep faith in God. God, as a source of strength and comfort, is reported by an overwhelming majority of battered women. Regardless of any denomination, those experiencing trauma, neglect, and abuse often struggle with some aspects of their beliefs and especially their church’s teachings as they can seem like roadblocks to freeing oneself from that abusive situation. Of course, one’s deep sense of faith could also provide a strong sense of resource while dealing with a difficult situation.
What if your abuser is also a member of YOUR church or faith community? Can you count on your pastor or other leaders to keep you safe? The clergy and other lay leaders should hold perpetrators accountable when survivors identify them (or even if they come on their own for counseling), but in my experience, this is not typical, unfortunately. A survivor shouldn’t have to choose between safety and their supportive/religious community.
This seems to pose a severe conundrum when what you need is your community of support you’ve likely developed and grown over several or many years, even decades. You may need to walk away from that exact community you feel is your only support. This may be the hardest – holding on to yourself alone may seem insurmountable. You may also face being ostracized by your community if your accusation of your abuser is not taken well – or leaked into the general gossip of the community. This might be similar to the “I was raped” reporting and then you’re asked and blamed underhandedly, “Well, what were you wearing?”, subsequently possibly leading to you being excommunicated unexpectedly from your community.
How can one keep their faith and spirituality in such a desperate time of need? One’s spirituality and church support/involvement is often an invaluable tool that victims use to cope and heal from domestic violence. The deep sense of belonging that contributes to one’s overall emotional comfort and security is what you will have to cling to, as more of an internal or even supernatural relationship especially if you’re unable to continue physically with your church group.
This is the place to dig deep, to find and hold on to your inner strength, your internal resolve that knows what you must do for yourself.
Listening recently to a friend who reached out to me, I was again struck by this spiritual puzzlement. You have a church you regularly go to. You strive to create a personal relationship with the clergy and the members, building what you believe to be a support system for any time of true need. However, when that time is on you like a ton of bricks, why does it seem you can’t count on anyone? Let me just give a few details about this friend. Her church and community can’t help her daughter. They can’t provide food pantry items to her because she lives out of the immediate area (but her mom, my friend, is the one asking for help for her daughter). Her daughter can’t receive services from the nearby women’s center because again, her daughter isn’t in “the area”. The daughter, who is in the absolute thick of abuse, and her literal beatings are getting worse, totaled her car so now she is sitting in a situation worsening by the moment, and her mother is desperate to help in any way. The mother, going back to her church, described her expressed need as “beyond falling on deaf ears”. It was as if she could receive the Sunday message and have the clergy pay attention to her relationship with God as directed by her pastor, BUT any other needs were “not the problem of the church”.
Maybe that sounds simplistic. Maybe even one has a sense that no matter what, the daughter needs to figure her stuff out, her life, on her own. Sure. Survivors know. Survivors have come away from the most egregious of abuses. Survivors have reached out their hands and received nothing, or worse, their hand was bitten when they were in their own “thick of it”, even by their church or spiritual community. What then is spiritual help when you need it? YOU…
I didn’t know the answer. In fact, my mom was ostracized from my church and spiritual community when I was just 13. I struggled to maintain one foot in my church (attending school in that church until 21) while my mom got together with a man who was more physically violent than my own father. Eventually, I left the community as well as it was not supported, however, I remained a member of the church. As my friend expressed to me, my church was there to make sure I was on the path they provided, listening to the teachings they expressed, following their interpretation of the Bible, graciously receiving my offering every Sunday plus endless hours of volunteer work for Sunday school, community potlucks and other Church events. But, in my time of need, struggling with my abusive husband; they weren’t there.
The answer is you and your Divine worth. The answer is in all the religious texts – yet, in my experience, in practice, the organized churches have this mixed up at best and at worst, wrong. “You must love your neighbor as yourself” (Bible: Mat. 22:39). That’s specific. The Quran also encourages us to practice Self-Love – it is our duty not to be neglectful of ourselves.
I had no idea this was the core of what I was missing. I had been reprimanded to make sure others were first ahead of me, period. I was taught if there was a shade of putting myself ahead, it was selfish, that my ego was out of whack and even as a child, the threat of going to hell was used often and in a myriad of ways. However, the ego IS YOU. Your ego is the “I” part of you. I like to say it’s the “eye part of the Divine.” The Divine or God or Allah or Goddess..sees all, all the time. But we are part of that. Our ego, our worth and our purpose IS our loving ourselves enough for the sake of God, the Divine, Allah. “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34
Where and how can we find what is the most Divine in ourselves? How can we call in the deepest attributes of what is Divine? What are the most angelic, the most celestial, the most “required” attributes to model after the Divine in order to find and have that inner peace? Again, I don’t think in my raised state of body and mind that I knew I was missing that most – INNER peace. I know what I see as the most Divine, the most celestial – it’s when I see little children together in a most peaceful environment, running, laughing, playing, and being children. The most direct image of heaven might be described as an environment of the most peaceful innocence, cherubic, sublime, enchanting, full of joy and laughter…
Hold on to you. Take a breath. Concentrate on the inner you, your inner world, and your inner work to alleviate your suffering to find health and healing and forward progress. This takes an amazing amount of strength and it takes deep self-love and compassion. This is what I had been missing. Almost daily for the past two years, my 23-year-old daughter reminded me, “Mom, you’ve got to love yourself.” I didn’t think I was resistant to this – I was capable of saying “Yeah yeah, I love me.” But, honestly, I didn’t understand HOW to embody “loving me” deeply. I still had cobwebs in the shadows and corners of my psyche whispering little remnants of “you’re not worthy,” “you don’t deserve this or that,” “you’re not allowed…you can’t have…you’re the worst…” I’m still learning to have compassion for myself and forgive myself for poor choices in the past, and this focus is deepening my sense of worth purpose, and love. I can sit and listen to sermons, sing songs of praise, speak prayers of gratitude, and serve others without losing “me” fully. I must remind myself daily, even moment to moment, to remain focused on Divine love directed into my heart and being a mirror and a conduit to send that love out to others. I’m the “eye of the Divine”. By Stephanie S
