October 24th, 2019
I have come here to write my story after a quick burst panic attack. I need to get this out of my system.
I grew up in a very religious family. Went to church twice a week, preached the “good news”, went to religious conventions every couple of months. At one of these religious conventions I met my soon to be husband. I was 17 at the time.
We were head over heals for each other, I thought he was perfect in every way. In our religion, dating is taken very seriously. You only date with the view to get married, and you cannot be in the same room without a chaperone.
So, at 19 I was married, he was only a few years older.
Everything was amazing, until it wasn’t. It was very gradual. He had a particular fetish that I wasn’t comfortable with. He also enjoyed filming it and taking photos to look at after. I remember crying afterwards out of humiliation. But he said it was my biblical duty as a wife to ensure that his needs are met. He would show me scriptures and manipulate me into believing it. At one point I would always make the excuse that my tummy hurt or I had a headache, which he would get moody and start nagging. I would always give in. At the end of the day, I do blame myself, I allowed myself to be put in these situations. In situations where I was humiliated, hurt and left in danger. Often I was left tied alone for hours while he went to church, or the shops. I feel anxious and shaky right now just thinking about it, the feeling of the numbing pain in my wrists, hands and feet as the circulation cut off. I remember one time the pain was so great that I passed out for about 20 minutes, I can’t explain the panic I felt when I woke up alone in that situation. I used to ask him to leave it a bit looser but he didn’t want to because it wasn’t real enough.
But I loved him and it made me happy to make him happy. I thought it was worth the suffering because that is what a good wife does for the husband she loves.
Within 6 months of our marriage I started feeling anxious and depressed, I started getting suicidal thoughts. My GP prescribed me with antidepressants.
It got worse when the the emotional and verbal abuse started. I was now not good enough. He often told me that he felt left out when he saw other women. He wished he could be with them instead. He often belittled me because I didn’t earn enough. He often told me that I was too short. He told me that he didn’t want to have children with me because he would feel sorry for them if they were my height. Mind you I am a fairly average height.
All these things were said continually and gradually intensified, they were always said in a calm rational voice, not in any arguments. I would naturally get quite upset. I felt unappreciated, I felt used, I felt belittled.
Whenever I got upset with the things he was saying and the things he was doing to me, he would call me crazy. I believed him.
During this time, I had intense thoughts about suicide almost everyday. One day I went to the shops, purchased a knife and sat under a bridge in a secluded park for a good couple of hours. I wanted to die. But was too scared of the pain. Eventually I went home where I got an earful from him again, I regretted not taking my life.
After a little while, I came up with a full proof plan. It would be a pain free and peaceful death. Now that I had the plan, I started choosing my date.
This is when I realised, I don’t want to die. A week later while my husband had gone to church, I packed all I could and left. I never felt so much relief.
We are now happily divorced.
Overall, I don’t regret the experience. I built myself from the ground up and I have learnt to be a stronger person. I have learnt to rely on myself. I will never allow myself to be put in a situation where I don’t feel comfortable or valued as a human being.