I Carried a Burden That Was Never Mine to Carry
I NEVER WANTED A DIVORCE, I WANTED TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE. I do take full responsibility. I had wishful thinking; I ignored the truth because of what I wanted to be true. The shame of facing the truth would implode everything I believed in and what I wanted for my life. After several years of a good marriage the un-attended issues started to snowball. I created a cushion by surrounding our marriage with Church, a large co-ed bible study for accountability, friends who were believers and Christian counselors. The problems became more hidden and covert, he was charming, although there were a few friends who saw through it and witnessed the abuse. They have been my background support team, also afraid of retaliation. When I got pregnant with my second son, I had a bleeding issue that put me on bed rest. The doctor said I could not have sex because it would rupture my bag of waters, I told the Dr., he would have to tell my husband, with hesitation he said he would speak to him. Ted was charming and said, “of course Dr., no problem.” Within 2 weeks he forced himself on me and the next day, panicked and grief stricken I went to the hospital bleeding and water leaking out. They kept me, within two weeks my son was born at 2lbs., he was exactly 3 months premature.
In 2005 My father who was my best friend and protector passed away in my home after a 2-year battle with cancer. Shortly after, a girlfriend who was struggling with her daughter not getting along with her husband/stepfather needed assistance. I was very involved with her daughter since birth so after getting advice from a Christian counselor we decided to take her in. I loved her and wanted so much for her. Per the rules we set she went to church every week, got a job with a friend of mine at a kennel, went back to school, and helped me greatly around the house with my boys who loved her like a sister. Jane would play with them and talk to them with care and love. On Cinco de mayo 2006 we all went to the annual block party around the corner, invited by Christian friends who live there. Jane was doing so well, and everyone was happy to see her, she was a success story. Ted (being the attention hog) handed her a beer and said, “congratulations Jane, you deserve this”. I could not say anything, it would have caused a public fight, especially while he was drinking. Later that evening I went home to get the boys in bed. The next morning, I woke up to chaos and Ted yelling. Jane was crying and packing. Jane’s cousin Tiffany had been there for some time helping her and was taking her. Ted was raging at a level 11 yelling in my face “all I did was kiss her, ok, are you happy now? I did nothing wrong.” After several weeks I heard from her, she was sad and said, “I love you Laura,” I know she did. She then said, did you not see the blood on the sheets? He came in my room and *** me, I knew this in my gut, but it was heart wrenching to hear. I was so confused. Ted had been angrier at me than I was at him and he kept up his lie. For the next year and a half, he berated, yelled, blamed me for everything. I could literally not do anything right. He raged at our employee, he raged at family, he even raged at a few clients. He was always gone working and raged if I did not have dinner ready or was with a friend or even wanted to go to dinner to re-connect. I tried to tell a couple girlfriends, but they could not understand, all that did was make me more ashamed. They questioned what I was doing wrong. I just couldn’t anymore. From the loss of my dad, the loss of Jane and her mother, my best friend, and facing the loss of my marriage, I just couldn’t anymore. I left my marriage to get away from the abuse, to let go and let God. I had an idea but no way of knowing how bad it was going to get because I left. The attacks came and they were unleashed on me. He removed me from our bank accounts, business bank accounts and put his name only on the vehicles. He did this while telling our Christian counselor that he was trying to get me back. After Ted admitted to the counselor what he had done, the counselor told me by his actions I was freed in God’s eyes to leave the marriage. NO ONE understood. My girlfriends did not want me to leave my marriage. I took everything into consideration and after 1.5 years of living with the heavy shame and no outlet and not a reasonable accountable husband, it was my only choice. Ted began a slander campaign telling everyone I was a cheater, an alcoholic and a drug addict. That I was potentially cheating the whole time. I became irrational, emotional, angry and extremely fearful of anyone and anything. I could not function I was full of shame. I was so exhausted from fighting for a voice, to be worthy of understanding or support, I wanted to not live anymore… I lost my job and was trying to just focus on my two beautiful boys who were 10 and 13 at the time. After some months and finally getting divorced Ted went against the court order and stopped any support, within 3 months I had to move, I moved in one day and quickly became homeless. No one could understand. He literally fought me about everything while I tried to keep things amicable and about the kids, he was out to hurt me, and when I say hurt, I mean destroy. I have kept all our texts as proof. I was beyond consolable, again irrational. No one knew what to do with me. A friend took me to Shepherds gate because I was a physical wreck, they admitted me for domestic violence abuse, in one day I knew this was not where I need to be. I needed to be rebuilding my life. I went to Arizona to see Ted’s mother to get away and think. During this time Ted issued an immediate court order to get my boys away from me, sitting them down telling them and part of my family (I have a copy of an email confirming this) that I was in drug rehab and was addicted to drugs. This was the slander campaign go get the boys and avoid paying support. This is where God stepped in. After 3 months of praying, getting strong and re-focusing on what was important, I fought back in court without an attorney, I got my boys back! It was 50/50 but that would all change shortly. Knowing what was happening to the mother of her grandchildren, Ted’s mom helped me secure a great apartment near the boy’s school. Both boys told their dad, on their own, they wanted to live full time with me to get away from the arguing and abuse from their stepmother. Ted turned on them, packed their belongings and has a limited relationship with them ever since. He has put on me the burden of taking care of their financial needs with no assistance. That is up to him. This is the good news: I got a great job and I am so happy to say we are all in a much better place. About 3 years ago Ted again went outside of the court order and stopped paying my alimony and health insurance for the boys, he owes me approx., 50K, but I have peace and that is more valuable.
There are so many unbelievable cringeworthy stories of abuse in my marriage, that I am overwhelmed with shame and sadness. I thought I was doing the right thing by surrounding ourselves with Christians who would love us. I do take full responsibility; I did not leave, and I did not tell the truth. I wanted to salvage what was broken and removing my boy’s dad by putting him in jail would have been just as bad. I wish he could have protected me the way I protected him. If I had left earlier or when I did, I don’t know how that would have changed things. I suppose if I had left when my dad was alive, Ted would not have attacked me with the same intensity.
A few years ago, Jane came to see me, it gave us both closure and she knows how much I love her. The amount of shame and confusion this young girl has suffered is inexcusable.
Recently I saw a couple of those friends at a church prayer gathering, the way they responded to me was obvious to another friend that was there, the rejection and awkwardness from judgement of being labeled as a drug addict and cheater was deafening. It pulled me all the way back to the moment of spiraling and loss. I cannot allow Satan, through people, to do this to me anymore. I have carried a burden for 14 years that was never mine to carry. This is me standing up for myself, I respect myself and God thinks I am worthy even if no one else does. This is me not running anymore and facing my Goliath.
I have Ted’s mother to than and several friends who did not judge but trusted me based on my character that I was telling the truth and I just needed their support to get through this.
