I found out the hard way that nothing is what it seems….but I’ve overcome so much in the 4 years that I finally left my DV relationship and got a protective order, cut all contact and blocked anyone associated to my abuser.
This wasn’t the worst of it and I’m lucky to be here. I stayed after this… I told my bosses I got into a car accident because my body was covered in huge, disgusting bruises and there was no other way to explain. I was manipulated into deleting the pictures and into thinking that it would never get that bad again. Somehow, I saved this one. Which looking back could have cost me my life.
I was with someone, but I was alone. I had to continuously lie to people I cared about so they didn’t know what was going on. I lied to myself. I cried every day. I didn’t want anyone to think less of a person that I loved and wanted the best for. I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. I never even thought I was being abused yet I hated how I felt every day.. the anxiety, the fear, the walking on eggshells. When is it going to happen again? What will set him off? What if someone finds out? I know this isn’t him, is it?
I had based so many of my decisions around not hurting others when in turn, it was hurting me… Now, I know that all I need to do is love others as much as I can and make decisions on what is best for ME. Sometimes that means walking away… or running and leaving everything behind to get away. I had the choice to either stay and eventually get killed or leave everything I had and someone I thought I loved deeply and knew better than anyone.
Today, 4 years after leaving for good, even though healing is linear, I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE (*Kevin Macallister- home alone voice*)
I am the one I love and want the best for. I’m a work in progress. I have good days and bad days, but I’m here. I’m alive. I want you to be, too.
Looking back it was the manipulation and psychological abuse that did the most damage and it’s so hard to fully see when you’re in it.
Please, get out of your toxic relationship. Even if there’s no physical abuse… the mental abuse and secret manipulation takes a hold of you and slowly changes you, but you can get through it. There is hope. You matter. I’m a good shoulder to cry on and I would never judge you or any situation. I could not have done any of this without the amazing support from my family and friends. Reach out to me for any reason. I’m here. You’re not alone.
