By Makayla Shave
One of the most challenging and unexpected obstacles survivors face after leaving an abusive relationship is the emergence of “flying monkeys.” These individuals—whether friends, family, or acquaintances—may unknowingly support the abuser, often questioning or downplaying your experience. At Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence (BTSADV), we believe that understanding this dynamic is essential for protecting your healing journey and maintaining your boundaries.
What Are “Flying Monkeys”?
The term “flying monkeys” refers to people who are manipulated by the abuser into furthering their agenda, often without realizing it. They might say things like, “Was it really that bad?” or “Maybe you should forgive them.” While these statements may seem harmless, they can undermine your healing by invalidating your experiences. Flying monkeys serve as extensions of the abuser’s control, often spreading misinformation or justifying the abuse.
Why Do “Flying Monkeys” Appear?
When a relationship with an abuser ends, the abuser often seeks to maintain control by manipulating others into siding with them. These flying monkeys maybe your friends, family members, the abuser’s family, or even casual acquaintances. They might believe the abuser’s distorted version of events and engage in gaslighting or manipulation, making it even harder for you to move on.
How to Handle Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys requires emotional resilience and a commitment to protect your healing. Here are key strategies to help you manage these difficult situations:
1. Recognize Manipulation
It’s important to remember that flying monkeys are often being manipulated themselves. Their comments and actions are reflections of the abuser’s influence, not necessarily their true feelings about you. Recognizing this can help you emotionally detach from their opinions and focus on your truth.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
You have the right to decide who remains in your life. If someone is constantly defending your abuser or invalidating your experiences, it’s crucial to set firm boundaries. Limiting or cutting off contact with flying monkeys can help create a safe space for your recovery.
3. Don’t Engage in Justification
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision to leave an abusive relationship. Avoid getting pulled into conversations where you feel the need to justify your experiences. Your priority should be your well-being, not convincing others of your truth.
4. Focus on Your Support Network
Surround yourself with people who understand and validate your journey. Strong support networks—whether through friends, family, or survivor communities—are essential in combating the negative influence of flying monkeys. Healing is much easier when you are supported by those who genuinely want the best for you.
5. Fact-Check When Necessary
Flying monkeys often bring rumors or distorted information to your attention. Always fact-check with trusted sources before taking any of their claims seriously. If you are involved in legal proceedings, only respond to written communication directly related to the case and avoid unnecessary engagement with flying monkeys.
6. Ignore Unnecessary Communication
You are in control of how much or how little communication you have with flying monkeys. They are not involved in your healing process, and they have no authority over your life. Silence can be a powerful response. By not engaging, you take away their power to manipulate or harm you emotionally.
7. Seek Legal Protection if Necessary
In cases where flying monkeys persist in harassing or threatening you, it may be necessary to take legal action. Filing a police report for harassment or even obtaining a restraining order can provide protection and further distance from these individuals.
Moving Forward
Healing from domestic abuse is about more than just leaving the abuser—it’s about reclaiming your life and protecting your peace. Flying monkeys are a common, yet deeply frustrating, part of the journey. However, with clear boundaries, strong support systems, and a focus on your well-being, you can overcome their influence.
At BTSADV, we encourage survivors to stay focused on their healing and not let flying monkeys derail their progress. Remember, you’ve already done the hardest part—leaving the abuse. Now, your focus should be on building a life free from manipulation and control.
If you found this post helpful, please share it with others who might benefit. You are not alone on this journey. There is a supportive community of survivors and advocates ready to help you navigate the challenges and rediscover your strengths.
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