By Survivor Chloe
This is my story on how I survived a domestic violence relationship. I was only 15 years old, soon to be 16. As a typical teenager would, I made conversation with some of the people I had added on my Snapchat who lived in my city. Little did I know, my abuser would be one of those people. He was 18 years old when I met him. It started off with a text message on Snapchat with him flirting with me, then he asked me to come over to his place and drink with him and I agreed. We planned this hang out to be on Wednesday, April 7th 2021. On April 7th 2021 I received a text from him saying “I’m on the way love”. I put on a pair of black sweatpants and a long sleeve striped crop top. I put on my peach scented perfume and slipped on a pair of vans and I was ready. Around 5pm he arrived to pick me up. He was just getting out of work and his sister drove him to get me. I got a text from him while we were in the car that said “if my sister asks how old you are, say you’re 17”. She in fact did ask how old I was, and I did what he asked me to do and lied about my age to her. That didn’t make me uncomfortable, but it did seem odd. We arrived at his place, he was living with his uncle at the time. As he got out the car he opened the car door for me and held my hand as I stepped out. We got into the house, went into his bedroom, I sat down then he suddenly said “I have to meet with my probation officer, I’ll be back. Help yourself.” I was confused on why he didn’t tell me that sooner because it’s kinda weird to just leave a girl you just met alone in your bedroom but I just went along with it. As I was waiting for him to come back I grabbed the bottle of Hennessy that was on top of his wooden dresser. I poured the liquor In a red plastic cup, mixing it with a can of Coca-Cola. 30 minutes went by and I refilled my cup again. 30 minutes turned into an hour pretty quick, I poured some more. Time started to go on longer and longer and he still hadn’t showed back up. I gave him a text and asked him when he was coming back, he replied with saying “I’m just getting some food and I’ll be there”. I responded with “okay”. I kept pouring and drinking as time went on. He finally arrived and at that point I was highly intoxicated as my memory was starting to blur. All I remember is sitting across the room from him talking about our view on the universe, as I was feeling more and more drunk. I only remember bits and pieces of this night because of how much I drank but the next thing I remember was looking into his eyes and telling him he had a beautiful smile. He started touching my body wanting to take my pants off but I said no. He continued to keep trying multiple times after that and I stuck with no as my answer. It was getting late so I had to go back home. His sister dropped me off back home and I went to sleep for the night. The next day I was trying to remember everything that happened and it was so frustrating because I couldn’t. I decided to give him a call and ask what happened since I couldn’t remember and he told me everything that happened and it was nothing that I didn’t already know. We got off the phone and I went on about my day. Later that day I received a text from him saying “your appointment to see (his name) is scheduled for Friday, April 9th. Please confirm”. I remember looking at that message smiling but now when I look back on it I realized that’s control. He never asked if I was free that day, and he didn’t necessarily ask to hang out. It seemed more like a situation where it was up to him, and I didn’t get a say. Me being 15 and naive I didn’t realize that at the time, so I said yes “to confirm.” Friday came around and I was with my best friend, Taylor. Taylor was my neighbor and we were with each other every single day because all we had to do was walk 2 minutes to see each other. He was ready to come pick me up but I asked him if Taylor could come with. He said yes, so she came along. We all sat in his bedroom and talked as we passed around the same bottle of Hennessy. Taylor ended up falling asleep drunk on his bed so me and him went to the living room and sat on the couch so she didn’t get woken up. He tried to have sex again, this time I let him. I asked him to wear a condom, which he did but the next morning I woke up and regretted it. It didn’t feel right, and I wasn’t sure why. The next time he saw me he bought me flowers and chocolate. I felt so special in that moment because no one has ever done that for me, but little did I know that was his first and last time doing something like that for me. That same day he wanted to have sex again, and again I let him. I made sure to ask him to wear a condom and he did, but he took it off in the middle of us having sex and I didn’t notice til the end. I was so upset with him for that, but he laughed at my feelings and played it off like it wasn’t a big deal. I told him I needed a plan B because I was worried but for some reason that made him angry and he told me “you don’t need one”. We laid together a few minutes after that but I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’ve always had bad anxiety and my fear was that I’d get pregnant if a condom isn’t being used and he knew that, he just didn’t seem to care. As we were laying together I got a text from Taylor. She wanted to come see me because that’s what we did everyday, we were inseparable like sisters. I told him I had to go because Taylor wanted to spend some time with me. At the time, me and Taylor were all each other had. He told me no. He said “you can see her any other day, your with me right now”. I’ve never had a man besides my father tell me what I can and can’t do so I was confused. I asked him again, then started to beg because I never say no to Taylor if she wants to see me. I saw him starting to get mad so I stopped asking. My mom then sent me a text asking where I was and telling me to come home. I showed him the text and told him now I really do need to go home. He took me home so I wouldn’t get introuble but I guess that was the only exception, that day Atleast. The next day I started to overthink about how he took that condom off. I called one of my friends, Indian. Indian is like a brother to me so I knew I could trust in him. He rode his skateboard to me and we had to make a plan on how to come up with money for a plan B because I was scared and wanted to be safe. At the time we were only 14 and 15 with no job so we had to brainstorm how to come up with some money. We called one of our younger friends over and asked him to knock on people’s doors pretending to be doing a fundraiser for school. It didn’t end up working so I had to be honest with my mom and ask her for the money to get a plan B. She was disappointed, but she still gave me the money. Me and Indian walked over to cvs but as we were walking I got a call. It was my abuser, not asking but telling me he’s on the way to pick me up to go on a double date with his friends. I told him I wasn’t ready and needed time to dress. I was afraid to tell him that I was getting a plan B because when I brought it up the day before he got angry and I have bad attachment and abandonment issues from childhood trauma so I was afraid of him getting mad because I didn’t want him to leave me. When I told him I needed time to get ready and I couldn’t go on that double date, he got angry. I had to turn around and walk back home in a rush to get ready without even getting the plan B. I rushed to get ready under a lot of stress because I didn’t want him to get mad at me. He arrived, I got in the car and my mom texted me a few minutes later asking me to come back home. I showed him the message nearly having a panic attack because I didn’t want to get introuble with my mom, but he refused to take me back and shrugged it off saying “you’ll be fine.” I started to feel kinda helpless. I couldn’t ask again because he’d get angry. I think he noticed that I get scared to make him mad and I was starting to listen to what he tells me to do, out of fear. We went to the beach, walked around and we were walking past a bar on the boardwalk where an old drunk man was outside the bar asking us where we’re from and how our nights were going. After we walked away he got mad at me. I was confused on why but he said it’s the way I talked to that guy outside the bar. I talked to him like a normal person would. He then began to get more mad and said “we’re done” I cried and asked why because I thought what we had going was good. He kept making me feel like I did something wrong and like I didn’t deserve him. It took a few minutes of me crying, apologizing for something I didn’t even do while he bashed me for something I didn’t even do. Finally he “forgave” me and put a towel down on the sand for us to sit on. He started to kiss me, then wanted to have sex there. It was dark out, but I didn’t want to. I knew he was gonna get angry, but I had to say no. He did get frustrated but after that I went back home. He stopped opening the car door for me, and he didn’t ever give me flowers and chocolate again. We started to hang out more often as I started seeing Taylor less. He started looking through my phone every time we hung out and would make me remove any male friends I had. I didn’t look through his phone, but I started to question if I should. One day I asked to see it but I only wanted to see one thing. My eyes only on Snapchat. Something told me to look at that, and then I knew why. He had videos of me and him having sex, along with a ton of other girls. I felt sick to my stomach. I had no idea he was doing that to me and I was not okay with that so I told him to not ever do that again. Later on I found out he did do it again secretly. I felt betrayed. A few weeks from the day I met him he dropped me off and as I got out the car he told me he loved me. I didn’t say it back because I felt like it was too early to say those words. I just smiled and walked away. Things started to get more serious as time went on. He ended up moving out of his uncles house and started renting a house with his friend. The day he first moved in I came over and helped him set some stuff up. As soon as I was done helping him he wanted to send me home. I started to feel anxious because it seemed like he was at me since he wanted to send me home so early. When I asked him if he was upset he said no but he started getting angry that I asked. He yelled at me because of it which only made me feel more anxious. I went home that night with a heavy heart and a overthinking mind. The things he was doing and the way he was acting started to make me feel insecure. I started to overthink everything and I couldn’t help but tell him my worries hoping he would give me a truthful answer but he would get angry and still lie. I didn’t know he was lying because he would convince me that he was telling the truth. Every time I would overthink and ask him for reassurance he would get angry and start calling me names like “bitch” and tell me he’s done with me, and with that I’d beg and I’d cry and I’d tell him how sorry I am for overthinking like as if that’s something to even apologize for. One day I glanced over at his phone and noticed multiple girls on his recent chats on Snapchat. I asked to see it to know if he was being unfaithful to me. Every single girl on his Snapchat had no chats saved. I had to ask who each of were. He would give me weird short answers and I kept asking for the truth because I just felt it I just knew he was lying. He wasn’t going to tell me the truth if his life depended on it so he started to get more and more angry as I kept begging for the truth and as I cried and he yelled, he just looked at me with so much anger and slapped me in the face. I was in shock. No one’s ever done that to me before. I cried because of him doing that and me crying made him angry so he did it again. After he did it the second time he told me to leave his house. He wanted me to leave and find my own ride and he didn’t care if I had a ride or not. I told him “no I can’t just go out there with no ride home”. He didn’t care. He grabbed my necklace and pulled forward to the point it snapped. He dragged me out to the driveway leaving scrapes all over my legs. I had to beg him to let me back in and finally he did. He grabbed an old white t-shirt from his dresser and ripped it with his hands. He wrapped that up around my knee and used an old shoe string to hold it in place. I laid in his bed thinking about how he slapped me and wondering if those girls on his Snapchat were more than just a friend or a family member. So instead of asking him again and making him angry, I held it all in and suddenly I just broke down, hyperventilating and panicking. He told me to shut up so he could sleep, but it felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t control it. I convinced myself that he slapped me only because he was angry and he wouldn’t do it again but I was so wrong. He started hitting harder. Then it became more often. 2 months from the day we met he came up with a plan to trap me. He got me pregnant. He was evicted from the house he was renting with his friend but mom mom let him in with open arms because we told her I was pregnant. Little did my mom know, her daughter was being abused by this man. After some time she started to catch on hearing us yelling at each other in my bedroom. He didn’t stop hitting me, he just didn’t hit me in the stomach. He hit me because I’d overthink things but he failed to realize that he caused that insecurity on me and continued to only make it worse. The day of my first ultra sound he got mad because I started overthinking again. He refused to go into the doctors with me because of that. I cried in the parking lot outside of the clinic begging him to come in with me because we were supposed to be in this together. I had to go to my first ultra sound alone, at only 16 years old. Throughout the 9 months of my entire pregnancy he only went once. Things were only getting worse with him. He abused me more and more each day. He saw that when he leaves I beg him to stay, and he enjoyed that because that made him feel powerful. He didn’t only punch me. He punched holes in the walls and the doors. My mom finally caught on and asked him to go to his moms and live there because of everything he was doing in her home. I begged my mom not to make him go because I felt miserable without him being with me. I felt like I needed him. My overthinking only became worse when he went to his moms because then I couldn’t see what he was doing since I wasn’t around. Around Christmas of 2021 I asked if he could come back and she wasn’t happy about it but she took my feelings into consideration and let him back but with the condition that we don’t fight. The fights never ended. I went to the emergency room tons of times during my pregnancy to check if the baby is okay because of him hitting me. I would lie and say I fell or my little brother accidentally threw something at my stomach, etc. I lied to everyone. We got in another big fight and he had to go back to his moms again. He got a new job at Walmart and I had a job at Dunkin’ Donuts. After work I’d bring donuts to his family and try to spend time with him too. I asked his mom if I could stay at her house since he was staying there because I didn’t wanna be alone during my pregnancy. She agreed for me to stay there until she saw how we always fight. I went back home and I was so sad I felt hopeless like we would never be able to live together normally. When I got closer to the due date his mom let me come back. He was asking for rides everywhere so he finally got a truck. I was 8 months pregnant while he’d drive drunk with me in the car. I always told him to slow down when he sped because I was in fear for my life but he didn’t listen he would just go faster. That is abuse. He put me in our unborn child’s life at risk. On may 3rd 2022 I had an ultra sound appointment. The plan was for him to drop me off at my moms house so me and my mom could go together. On the way there we were arguing and he yelled to the top of his lungs, slapped me, and called me worthless. I cried getting out of his truck and I questioned myself, “am I worthless?” “Maybe I am, because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be treated this way”. I wiped my tears before going in the house so my mom wouldn’t see. We got ready and went to my appointment. During the ultra sound my doctor told me my amniotic fluid was low. She sent me to labor and delivery to get induced. I called him crying and panicking, telling him our baby is coming now. He took 2 hours to arrive. My mom sat there with me as I cried in fear. I wasn’t ready to have a child at 16 years old especially while being in an abusive relationship. He arrived and as I was having the most painful contractions he made himself comfortable and slept. The next day our son was born. He was perfect. My memory of this day is one of the hardest flashbacks I have. I stayed up for days taking care of him while his dad slept. Just a few days after our son was born he called me a bitch as I was still laying in that hospital bed, dark circles under my eyes, pumping until every drop of milk was in that bottle. I felt useless like I wasn’t doing good enough. When we got back home he went back to abusing me since we were no longer in public. He didn’t go to his sons first doctors appointment. He didn’t give his son his first bath. He didn’t feed his son his first bottle. He wasn’t the first to hold his son. He didn’t change his sons first diaper. He wasn’t the first to burp his son. He wasn’t the first to change his sons clothing. I was. Not even a month from when our son was born he went out drinking and driving and was pulled over. They didn’t know he was drinking so they gave him a reckless driving and speed ticket. His mom found out and they got in a fight and kicked him out. Since he was kicked out I couldn’t stay either. We packed all our things and went back to my moms. Shortly after moving in he went out drinking and driving again. This time he got a DUI and was arrested. I always told him to come home when he was making poor choices, he just didn’t listen and care enough for me or his son. I panicked because I thought they’d keep him there but he called through the jail phone 30 minutes after and told me to call someone to pick him up so he can come back home. I sent his friend to get him and now it was just a waiting game to see what they say in court. On the day of his court date they offered him probation or 2 weeks in jail and he chose the 2 weeks. 2 weeks pass and he gets out of jail. Me and his family were right there ready to pick him up. His hair grew, he looked like a changed person. He was telling me how he got close with god and how he’s done smoking and he promised he wouldn’t ever hurt me again. I was fully convinced. I believed it. The next day it was Christmas Eve 2022. His family invited us over for dinner and had some gifts for us. Everyone was drinking that night including him. I glanced over at his phone and saw he had some strange follow requests so I asked about it and he told me to go to the bathroom to talk to him. When we got in there he immediately started cussing at me and hitting me in the face. I held in my cries because I was afraid his family would hear. He was so loud that his mom came to the bathroom door and knocked. He tried to play it off like everything was fine but his mom could see handprint marks on my cheek. His cousin noticed as well and told him he needed to calm down. He got mad at that comment so he stormed out the house and got in his truck. I followed along to try and stop him from driving drunk. I was in the passenger seat of the car as he had his foot on the gas and started to completely lash out on me. All I could do was cover my face and scream for help. In that moment I was in fear for my life. I felt my face getting more and more swollen as he kept punching me everywhere with all his strength. He stopped only because he got tired. I looked up at his crying and begging for him to stop. He looked at me and panicked and cried because he saw how bad he had beat me and he grabbed a piece of broken glass from the yard and told me he was gonna kill himself. I grabbed that glass and threw it as far as I could. I had two black eyes, a busted lip, bloody nose, bruised ears and cheeks, knots all over my head where some spots were bald from getting my hair pulled so hard, bite marks which I still have the scar of til this day, and bruises everywhere on my body. My eyes were so swollen I couldn’t even open my eyes. I told him we need to go home. We went back and he made me cover my face with a blanket to hide it as because there was a ring camera at the door. When I looked at myself in the mirror I broke down. At that time, that was the worse thing he’s ever done to me but little did I know, that was just the beginning. It took 2 weeks for my eyes to heal. That was our sons first Christmas and I couldn’t even leave my room to sit with him under the tree because I was so afraid someone would see how beaten up I was. I did everything I could to hide it from wearing sun glasses every time I left my room and getting hundreds of dollars worth of makeup, to trying every single home remedy I could find. I couldn’t only cover the bruises with makeup, but the swelling didn’t go away. He promised he wouldn’t ever hurt me again and I noticed he looked scared. He was afraid of going to jail. 3 weeks later we went out drinking. As we left the bar he did it again. He gave me another black eye, another bloody nose, and another busted lip. We went home. This time I couldn’t hide it. I had nothing to hide it with. My mom was in the kitchen when we walked through the door. She saw my face and I immediately just ran to my room looking at myself in the mirror. Again. My mom called the police and when he heard her he jumped off the balcony and we were on the 3rd floor. He ran away to the woods. The cops arrived and I told them I fell. I texted him and told him to get an uber to his moms so we could stay there for the night. He came back to the house as the cops were still there and he lied to them using the same excuse I did. The cops left, but deep down I know they knew he hurt me. My mom kicked him out for good that time. He stayed with his mom and I stayed with my mom. 3 days later I went to go see him. It was late at night, he was drunk and acting aggressive towards me when I was doing nothing wrong. After everything he was doing recently I got scared and told him I was getting an Uber home. He tried to stop me. He tackled me to the ground in someone’s front yard facing the busy road. He started chocking me and he hit my eye that was no where near close to healing yet. He bit me on my head and I cried and scream for him to let go. I was terrified. My Uber finally got there, and this is gods timing. He let me go for one second and I got up so fast and got in the car. After that I was terrified of him being drunk because the first black eyes he gave me he was drunk, the second time he was drunk, and that third time he basically did it again he just hit the eye that was already bruised and made it worse. A few months went by that we weren’t living with eachother anymore. I would bring our son to his moms house so he could still see him but that turned into me staying the night and then I just asked his mom if I could stay and she was very iffy about it but she did allow it with terms and conditions. When he hit me I held in my screams. I knew if his mom heard us fighting she’s kick one or both of us out. It was a never ending cycle, he never stopped. On October of 2023 I found out he cheated on me and it destroyed me. That whole time he hit me because I’d ask if he’s cheating on me but he manipulated me and still hit me. It’s soul crushing. Even when I saw the proof he continued to lie and when I got 100% solid proof he acted like he didn’t care. I stayed up that whole night crying. Confused. Betrayed. Empty. Worthless. My overthinking got way worse after finding that out which only meant his abuse was gonna get worse. A week after finding that out his mom told us to find our own place and only gave us 2 weeks to do so. We searched and searched for a place that we could actually afford until we finally found one. We packed our things and moved into an old house in downtown. We never lived together by ourselves it was always with my mom or his mom. We were alone where no one else could see or hear anything. This is where the abuse really got worse. He started hitting harder, drinking nearly everyday and he was a literal demon when he drank it was terrifying. He would put me in chokeholds telling me “go to sleep”. When he did that I thought I was gonna die. The only thing I could think of was my son. I had to beg for him to let go because my son needed me. Those moments were the scariest moments of my life. There were times I could feel my self drifting as he strangled and wouldn’t let go. I prayed in those moments because that was all I could do and god looked out for me. He knew my son needed me. One day he came home from work ready to beat me because I defended myself after he called me worthless. When he got inside I knew what was coming and I feel like there was nothing I could do. He grabbed a metal broom stick and beat me with it to the point it bent from how hard he hit it against my body. He punched me to where I could no longer breathe, gasping for air as he continued to punch me in the stomach more and more. He punched me in the head and on my body but out of fear from getting another black eye, I could only cover my face. When I had the opportunity to run I ran to grab my son and ran to the front door and left as quick as I could. I knew if I was outside he wouldn’t hit me because people on their porch were watching. It was 30 degrees out. My son only had a diaper on because the heat was on in the house. I had on shorts and a T-shirt. No blanket for my son. I just held him as tight as I could to keep him warm. I left my phone in the house and I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to ask a neighbor to call the cops. So I waited on our front porch, freezing cold. He opened the door and peed on both me and my son. Now we were wet and cold with pee all over us. My son didn’t deserve that and I didn’t either but I still feel guilt to this day for not calling the police that day. His friend came to the house unexpectedly. I knew that was god saving us. He would still hit me infront of his friends but if I locked myself in the room there’s a chance his friend could keep him distracted. I went inside, stayed quiet, went to the room and changed my clothes and put my son in pajamas. I felt a sharp pain when I was breathing. It hurt to get up or lay a certain way. He broke my rib. About a week later I went to the hospital to do X-rays and I lied to them saying my dogs pulled me too hard when I was walking them so I fell. The X-rays showed my rib was broken. I was in pain for for about 2 months. He hit me everyday. There wasn’t ever a day that went by where I didn’t have some sort of injury. He let his friends treat me like shit too. On Halloween of 2023, he was getting off work and him and his coworker hung out outside of the house to drink a beer. He came inside drunk after I made him food. I felt like something was really off this day so I asked him questions so I can feel reassured. He took me to the bathroom and pulled my hair almost picking me up by it. He just started punching me everywhere and threw me in the tub. I got up so fast and called for help. I called my friend destiny and told her to come to the house before I get killed. I called his coworker. His coworker came in there yelling at ME. Excusing him for beating me because I “shouldn’t be insecure”. His coworker got in my face spitting as every word came out. He left and my friend destiny barged through the front door of the house. The cops were all outside because somebody heard my screams as I was being tortured by him. Destiny wanted to save me but she realized she can’t. You can’t save a person from an abusive relationship. They have to save themselves because in all reality the victim will stay until she other dies, or finally gains the strength to say enough is enough. My parents knew I was being abused. They worried about me all of the time and they were already preparing themselves to be at my funeral. I was always miserable. My mental health became worse. His abuse became worse. Everything was just getting worse and worse by the day. It wasn’t just physical, emotional, and mental abuse anymore. There was sexual abuse too. I didn’t understand or realize I was being sexually abused until I got away from him and tried processing everything. There were times he would get mad and pull my pants down and hit me like I was a child. No, it was not in a playful or good way. It was abuse. It was torture. He did it to punish me. He did it out of anger. Not only did he do that but he didn’t take no for an answer when I didn’t want to have sex with him. I hated him. I’ve tried pushing him off at times but it was like he was glued to me and I couldn’t do anything about it. In late November of 2023 I found out he was cheating on me the entire relationship. With men. He cried as he had to admit it and I even comforted him all tho I was so tore up and confused. I saw the messages, I confronted the guys, but I wasn’t satisfied. I knew there was more. The way I found out about all this is because one night he was drunk and my mom came by to drop my dresser off since we just moved in. That dresser was a dresser my dad made for me when I was two. He wrote a note on the back saying “I love you Chloe bee”. My dad was sick with tumors all over his body at the time, and he still is now. My mom asked him to help her bring the dresser in. He was drunk and wasnt handling it well like he was careless. I called him out on it by only saying “please be careful with it” I said that in a calm voice too. That made him angry. He picked up the dressed and slammed it to the wooden floor and destroyed it. I was so scared. He pinned me to the wall chocking me. My mom called the police and an Uber to get me to take me and my son to her house. I got my son and left before the cops arrived. He was also threatening to hurt my mom so I was scared for her too. When I got to my moms house I called him. We were on a FaceTime call and something told me he’s doing something wrong on that phone. I told him to screen share with me. He screen shared and for a split second I saw the Grindr app and he quickly stopped the screen share. I knew what I saw and he continued to lie to me. I went back over there to look through his phone because I was so tired of being lied to. He kept hitting me as I asked him to tell the truth and he denied it. I was up all night. It took hours to figure it out. Finally I found it. I showed him and he lied to me saying he only got that app so he can show me he’s texting other people so I’d leave him alone. It truly is sad when you get manipulated for so long that you start to see it clear and know when it’s manipulation. It makes you feel like nothing because you know the truth and the person you love is lying to you and hitting you for wanting answers. After that I found out a lot more about him. I found out he was doing things with his neighbor since he was 14, and he still was during our relationship. That guy is much older too. I was so hurt and confused I really didn’t know what to do. It blew my mind, it was highly unexpected and the way I looked at him completely changed. All that and unfortunately it still wasn’t enough for me to leave. I was so lost. I didn’t understand. I never cheated on him or put hands on him or bring him down. He called me every name in the book. He made me think I was ugly and made me feel worthless. During that relationship I barely ate. I was so depressed and worried all the time, I didn’t have an appetite. I lost so much weight. I looked sick. Who would’ve known being mentally ill can also make you physically ill. As I cried for days and weeks because he cheated on me with men, he slept peacefully. If he got woken up to my sobbing he’d throw something at me or hit me. I cried because he abused me, manipulated me, lied to me, and betrayed me when all I ever did was love him. But when he cried over the choices he made, I gave him a hug and told him everything is gonna be okay. He was hiding that secret his whole life. The only people that knew was me, him, and the men he got with. I was loyal to him the entire relationship 100%. I didn’t have social media. I didn’t talk to any of my male friends. I barely talked to my female friends or my own parents. The things he was doing started to take a toll on my mental health to the point I actually wanted to die. No one knows about it except for him but I overdosed two times and survived. I would’ve preferred to die alone than to die in my abusers arms. I continued to stay in that misery because it was so hard and scary to leave. In April of 2024 I texted one of his “friends” and told him my situation and he didn’t even know me or know of me. We talked for hours all night long yet we were strangers. That was my first time in 3 years talking to a guy. He was so kind to me. It started off just as normal conversation then it turned into talking every day. I would text him when my abuser went to work and I’d call him when my abuser was asleep. I would go outside late at night and sit in the backyard talking to him. We would talk about seeing eachother and how we would be able to get away with it. One night we got in an argument so he left the house to do god knows what. This was something he’d always do because he knew it hurt me. I decided to call this guy that night because I saw it as an opportunity for us to see each other. He came with no hesitation. One of the conversations we had over the phone he asked me what I like to do for fun. I told him I love the beach, it’s my favorite place. He said he liked the beach too. That night when he picked me up we didn’t have any plans, I didn’t know where we were going. He drove to the beach. All I could think is wow he remembered I told him I love the beach. We sat on the sand and looked at the waves as I cried and talked about what I was going through. He wiped my tears and picked my chin up and told me to look at my son. He encouraged me to leave as best as he could but like I said, you can’t always save someone from a situation like that. We talked all night until the sun was about to come out. He took me back home and my abuser was already on his way to work so he didn’t know about where I was. Me and this guy became closer. Id text him in the middle of the night when my abuser was asleep right next to me. I couldn’t get love from him so I went looking for it in someone else because after he cheated all those times, he didn’t deserve my loyalty anymore, matter fact he never did. Time went on, when he came home from work I started keeping more distance because he will always find a reason to hit me no matter what. One night I was drinking and he was asleep. I called that guy and asked to see him. He came and picked me up and we just sat in his car listening to music, drinking and talking about life. We both dozed off and fell asleep and I woke up to a phone call from my friend destiny. Destiny would park outside our house sometimes and sleep because she had things going on at home. I answered her call and she was asking where I was. Immediately I knew my abuser told her to ask where I was at because he woke up and saw I wasn’t there. I lied saying I was at my moms. I told that guy to quickly drop me off in my neighborhood so I could walk to the house without him seeing I’m in the car with him. He was already in his car looking for me and he found me. I was terrified. He dragged me out the car and hit my face and took my phone from me. He left with our son and I didn’t know where he was going. I had no choice but to go back to that guys house until I could get a hold of him and get my phone and my son. I had a feeling he’d be at his moms so I got dropped off there and he was there. He didn’t want to open the door as soon as he did I grabbed my child but he snatched him right out my arms and called the police. At the time I didn’t know this but if there’s no custody agreement in place whatever parent the child is with at the time can keep the child until there’s a custody agreement in place if they wanted to. That’s what the cops told me when they arrived. My face was all cut up from him hitting me and I was on the verge of passing out because of how distressed I was. He was using our son as a way to hurt me. I begged for my son and he finally gave him to me. We went back home where I waited for him to come back but he didn’t. A few hours without him turned into a whole night without him which turned into days without him. I was so hurt I kept calling and texting him to come home and I tried to lie my way out of it because I knew it was a mistake and the things he did to me was the reason why I did that. It took me a week of sleepless nights and endless tears for him to finally come back. After that things were way worse. The day before he officially came back home he got drunk and wanted to leave again but I stood infront of the door and stopped him because I didn’t want him to crash or get introuble. He punched me really hard and I heard a loud crack. Blood was dripping out my mouth onto the floor. Everything got quiet. I froze and he froze too. I ran to the bathroom washing my mouth out and the blood was never ending. I thought my tooth chipped because of that noise. It didn’t. He broke my jaw. I could barely open and close my mouth. As I washed the blood out my mouth he looked me dead in the eyes, smiled, and said “do you want more”. That’s the moment I realized if I don’t leave soon I’m gonna die. After I rinsed all the blood out my mouth he told me he would chop my body up into pieces and leave it at my moms doorstep. I had no words I was in pure fear. I told him my jaw was broken and I needed to go to the hospital. He told me if I want him to take me to the hospital that I have to make a police report blaming someone else. I did what he asked but I was scared. When I told him I was scared to do that he said “you should be more scared of me”. When I went to the hospital they did X-rays and confirmed my jaw was broken. I had to lie to everyone about how it happened, once again. I got surgery and was supposed to only drink smoothies and protein shakes for 2 months. He’d always use what I did against me for everything. He treated me even worse after that. At that point we had no good days, not even a good moment. A month went by and I texted that guy again. My abuser was asleep, I was sitting at the kitchen table talking to him secretly. My abuser got up and got a hold of my phone and saw everything. At that point I couldn’t lie anymore. I had to tell the truth. I told him I was hurt, I was angry and it didn’t seem fair at all how he did all these terrible things to me but when it comes to me being fed up with it all, I’m the problem? I didn’t get it. He read our messages and left. This time it was really over. He was at his moms while I was in that house alone with my son. I begged him to come back home for a month. He would come by every now and then unexpectedly probably because he thought I had people over. He would come just to argue with me and make me feel like I was a terrible person. I didn’t eat for 2 weeks when he left. All I could do was suffer. I called DV hotlines, I went to DV services in my area, and at one point I even called a prayer line. I got on my knees crying and begging god with all my might to bring him back home. God heard me, I know he did but why would he send the man who almost killed me back to me? God had a plan I just didn’t know it at the time. I started reading the Bible as I spent those nights alone in that house. Everything was so quiet and lonely. It’s like I didn’t know who I was without him. Narcissists will take everything from you to have power and control over you. They will take your voice, your power, and your entire life. I was finally starting to get used to him being gone. The first couple weeks was so insanely hard for me. One day out of no where in june 2024 he came to the house unannounced. He said his credit card got lost so he needed to use my phone for Apple Pay. I didn’t feel comfortable with him just taking my phone so I got in the car with him. He did what he needed to do so he started driving back to drop me off. I glanced at his phone and saw this girls name. When he’d come to the house he’d accuse me of all these things even tho he broke up with me so when I saw that I asked him about it. He denied it. I remembered the name and the bitmoji. He didn’t show me, as I expected. What I didn’t understand is why lie to me if your done. Why would it matter to just tell the truth. He kept lying. When we arrived back at my house where he was dropping me off at he smacked me in the face for continuing to ask the same question. I started to record after that but he took my phone and threw it. He drove off as soon as I went to grab my phone. I called the police because I was finally tired of it. Since he left they couldn’t do anything in that moment so they advised me to go take out warrants. That whole day I was thinking about it. I called him and asked to have a serious conversation with him. He ignored me. The next day I thought everything through and I felt so stuck. I called the police to meet me outside my house so I could talk to them about my situation and take advice from them. They arrived and I told them what was going on. I told them how I have pictures and videos and they asked to see them. I only showed 4 pictures. They said it’s best I go get warrants out but I was so scared it was the last thing I’d ever wanna do. I kept telling them I’m scared to do it, but after they saw the pictures and knew my jaw was broken they told me they’re gonna take these warrants out themselves. That’s when I knew it’s the end. It’s over. This war is finally over. I cried all night because I didn’t think I was ready for this. He was all I knew. We were so close and have been through so much together. I didn’t think it would ever end, it still doesn’t feel real. He’s been in jail for 8 months now and there’s no telling when he’s getting out. I live with ptsd now and it’s a struggle to live a normal life. Going through DV will change you. It destroys you as a person. You can always pick yourself back up, healing takes time and it’s different for everyone. If your in a DV relationship and your reading this, I want you to know your not alone and leaving is 100% possible. It is hard, yes but it’s possible. It’s no life to live when you jump just from hearing a noise while your in a quiet space or when your waking up in panic every night dreaming about what happened to you. I can’t eat my favorite foods anymore. There’s certain places I can’t go to. Certain songs I can’t listen to. He took a lot from me. Some days I feel sorry for him because he’s in jail and it feels like I backstabbed him and ruined his life because I’d always tell him I’m gonna put him in jail and I just never did so the last time I told him that and I actually meant it, he didn’t beleive me. Jail truly is a terrible place to be and I hate that he has to go through that but I have to remind myself, I didn’t put him there. He put himself there. Now I move forward with my life without him. Allow your self to grieve. Talk to people. Build a community of supportive people. There’s no timeframe of when you’ll be healed. If you need to grieve for years, do it. Don’t ever let anyone tell you to “get over it” “forget about it” “stop thinking about it” “just move on”. Especially if they didn’t go through DV themselves but even if they did it’s not their place to tell you how or when to heal. Not everyone makes it out alive and if you made it out and survived it’s a lot to process and facing the fact that if you stayed he would’ve killed you. It starts with love bombing, then it turns into control, then comes manipulation, then the verbal abuse, then emotional and mental abuse, then comes betrayal, then comes the physical abuse, and their last step is to kill you. I stayed with that man for over 3 years with a child by him. No 15 year old should even know what DV is, no one deserves to go through that. Love doesn’t hurt. I suggest talking to people who have been through DV because they can better understand what your going through. Pay attention to the signs and focus on healing yourself before getting in another relationship because if your not healed you will most likely get into another DV relationship. Break your silence. Get your power back. It’s okay to be selfish, it’s time to choose you.
