By Kelly Stratton
When Love Isn’t Safe: Recognizing Unhealthy Abusive Relationships
My first abusive relationship began when I was 15 years old. I didn’t have the words for it then. All I knew was that someone slightly older was paying attention to me—choosing me—and that felt special. At that age, I mistook intensity for love.
That relationship changed how I understood connection for years to come. It taught me to confuse attention with care and to ignore the warning signs that my body and instincts were trying to show me. Instead of listening to my discomfort, I learned to minimize it. I learned to keep the peace.
Those lessons followed me far beyond my teenage years.
How Early Abusive relationships Shape Our Definition of Normal
When your first experience of love is unhealthy: abusive relationship , it rewires what you believe you deserve. Control starts to look like concern. Jealousy feels like devotion. Dependence feels like worth.
You stop realizing you deserve better—you start believing this is just what love looks like. And that belief can quietly shape every relationship that follows.
But love should not make you anxious or afraid.
You should never dread seeing a partner’s name flash across your phone.
You should not have to choose your words carefully just to avoid conflict.
You should never have to erase friendships or silence who you are to keep peace.
Healthy love feels safe, not confusing.
It allows you to grow without walking on eggshells.
What Healthy Relationships Actually Look Like
A healthy relationship should never demand proof of loyalty through sacrifice. You do not earn respect through compliance—it should be given freely.
You are not responsible for someone else’s emotions or behaviors.
You are not required to shrink your world to fit inside theirs.
You do not need to abandon your boundaries to be loved.
Real love wants you to become more of yourself, not less.
The Subtle Start of Unhealthy Love
Abusive relationship or controlling relationship rarely begin with harm—they often start with excitement and intensity that feels like a fairytale. Someone showers you with attention. They text constantly. They make you feel like the center of their world.
But over time, that attention turns into pressure.
Concern becomes control.
Affection becomes conditional.
You may start changing small things about yourself—how you dress, who you talk to, what you share—just to keep the relationship from falling apart.
That’s not love. That’s control disguised as care.
Breaking the Myth: Pain Is Not Proof of Love
Our culture often sells the idea that to love deeply means to suffer. But that’s a lie.
Pain is not love.
Pain teaches endurance, not intimacy.
A relationship that leaves you anxious, on edge, or responsible for someone else’s emotional stability isn’t healthy—it’s harmful it is an abusive relationship. Love should make you stronger, not strip away your peace.
What I Know Now
At 15, I didn’t know these truths. But decades later, I do:
Love does not require the loss of your identity.
It does not ask for silence or apology every time you express yourself.
Love is not a test of how much pain you can take.
Healthy love is steady, kind, and respectful.
It allows space for both people to grow, to feel safe, and to breathe freely.
If You’re a Teen Reading This
If something here feels familiar, please know this:
You are not weak.
You are not broken.
You are growing up in a world that often normalizes harm.
You deserve love that doesn’t hurt. And you can ask for help—even if you don’t have every word to explain what feels off. What matters most is reaching out.
If You’re an Adult Supporting a Teen
When a teen trusts you enough to speak about their relationship, listen without judgment. Believe what they tell you. Your willingness to hear them could shape how they think about love for the rest of their life.
Healthy relationships help young people bloom into who they were meant to be.
Unhealthy ones can derail that journey for years.
Every teen deserves a kind of love that doesn’t take pieces of them with it.
For more info or support go to breakthesilencedv.org and nationaldomesticviolencehotline.org
