A Letter to my Rapist; From a survivor…
Every year, the month of April is dedicated to those who survived sexual assault, domestic abuse and rape. One month is given to the survivors; a so-called safe place to raise awareness and speak our truth. Now to you, this mere month might not mean a lot, you might never have known that April was for the survivors, maybe you chose to ignore it, stay silent to those who have ought to tell their stories. No one likes to talk about abuse, rape. No one wants to believe it’s possible. But I am here to tell you that it is. It happens every day of every month to many women across the world. You might believe yourself to not know a survivor therefore you feel no need to pay attention to such awareness. But I am here to tell you that if you are reading this, you do know a survivor. I am Ella and I am a Sexual Assault and Rape survivor and I am here to help raise awareness with my story.i
Like you I had been taught the ways of consent, heard rumours of assaults and rapes but never once did I imagine I would find myself speaking up about my own survival. I atleast believed that If I did ever find myself in this position, Id kick, Id scream, Id fight them off or would have walked away. That’s what you tell us all to do anyway, right? That wasn’t the case. The answer isn’t that simple. At the age of 19 I was raped, raped by you, and if you stumble across this well you will know who you are. It is fair to say that rape is nothing like they teach in school, nothing like what they show in films or TV shows. It wasn’t aggressive hair pulling, or being pinned to the wall in an alley against my will. Don’t get me wrong that does of course occur but that’s not what happened, that’s not my story. It came with manipulation, threats, guilt and even during my sleep. Violated both conscious and unconscious.
It was done by you, my partner, the one I trusted the most, the one who was supposed to love and protect me. You did it. You spent months building a relationship with me, gaining my trust. You were even welcomed into my family home; my house, my childhood room now painted black with the nightmares you made happen in them. I trusted you, but you took advantage of me, my vulnerability. While I believed you were spending those months teaching me love, providing me with a safe place, you were actually using the time to learn my weaknesses to use against me and torture me for 2 years. You were clever too; and manipulation and gaslighting were your weapons. It started slow; small arguments, replacing my clothes with “more appropriate ones”, tracking my phone. It got worse with time until the abuse finally started. People often ask how I “Didn’t see the early signs?”. My question to you is, have you ever been vulnerable and in love? You dug your claws into me and numbed the worrying pain with pecks of affection and wings of safety. I love you, here I got you these flowers, I’m sorry, I do it because I care, I’ll be better just give me a chance. You knew the lies you were feeding me, didnt you? You were aware I always looked for the good in others and was desperate to feel the validation that came with being loved by another. You used it to your advantage.
The abuse got worse; a blended combination of emotional and physical. Reading my diaries; digging your nails into my wrists to keep me in check when with friends; screaming at me when we got home if I was too nice to the cashier; forcefully shoving me during arguments; telling me that no one could ever love a bitch like me and that i should be grateful you even loved me. But that wasn’t enough for you was it? No, you decided that on top of this you were going to force yourself onto me. I will never forget the first time it happened, I will never forget the way I woke up to feeling the weight of you on top of me as you raped me. I told you to stop but you didn’t, no instead you covered my mouth and continued to rape me. That wasn’t the only time either. No meant nothing to you; instead you told me how it was my duty to please you before forcing yourself on top of me time after time. The first few times I cried but eventually I learnt it hurt less if I gave in and just accepted what was happening.I became numb to it all, and after every time you would tell me how you did it because you loved me. YOU conditioned me to believe it wasn’t rape because it was coming from a place of love. YOU made me believe I deserved it. YOU made me believe I was better off with you because I was unlovable to everyone else, because you made me believe my mental health made me broken. But all along it was really you breaking me and tearing me down.
Escaping you wasn’t easy, going to the police wasn’t easy. I was scared,terrified and between the stalking and unwanted appearances at my home I wasn’t entirely sure what more you were capable of doing to me. For 4 months after escaping you I hid away. I beat myself up over what had happened. Until a police officer sat me down and told me it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t to blame for what you had done. In fact it was the first time that the terms rape and domestic abuse was used to describe my situation. Those words hit like a tonne of bricks and all the pain I’d been suppressing forced its way into my heart. It wasn’t until hearing those words that I even realised I truly had been raped and abused. All that time spent with you I could accept what you were doing to me because I loved you.
I want you to know what you did to me and the pain it caused.I want you to know that at 22 years old I am still dealing with intense unresolved trauma because of the abuse YOU are responsible for. I want you to know how I spent weeks sobbing in my best friend’s arms; how I couldn’t let a man touch me for months; how I shut down chances of healthy relationships because I was too scared history would repeat itself. I want you to know the pain you caused me; how most nights I still cannot go to sleep without nightmares that force me to relive every ounce of pain you caused me; how I have broken down in the shower and scrubbed my skin raw just to try to get rid of your touch; how I resulted to self harm because I felt worthless and unwanted. I see you everywhere, the ghost of your presence haunting me and reminding me of what you did to me and while you got to walk away from court a free man despite the evidence given, I was forced to walk away with nightmares I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
But I am here to tell you, I am not a victim. I am not your Victim! I am a survivor. I have and am rebuilding myself from the pieces you left behind.I am taking back everything you stole from me, taking back all those fucks you stole rom me and am throwing them right back into your face because even though i cannot change what you did to me, I can claim myself back from the trauma and aid others to do the same.
I am Ella and I am a survivor. And, to those other survivors out there, I see you, I believe you and we stand together.
