“Consequences, nobody told me about”
I’d love to hear more story-updates from survivors who have shared their story before. It has been a little over two years since I looked death in the face. It’s been a year and a half since I shared my story on this platform. As it was re-posted a month ago, I read it. It still rang true, but I wish I had said more, but I didn’t know more. I needed some wisdom, and I found some to share. In life we make bad decisions and we have consequences. What I know now is that domestic violence is one of the very few things where we can make the right decision (sometimes the best decision we will ever make), and we have consequences. We call 911, leave that abuser, press charges, etc. Depending on the abuser’s crime and their character, some of these consequences are temporary, some last forever. Nobody told me this, and I’ve really read anything on this. My abuser has convictions on him that will never be expunged. I have a detailed protective order on him that will never be lifted, ever. Because of his crime, and his character I live with the consequence that anything bad that happens in his life, until he dies, he will blame me. Because I made that 911 call to save my own life, I live with that consequence. I don’t blame myself for what happened, but I do have days where I say, “why is it that I did the right thing, only to deal with garbage?”
I am just as responsible for upholding the protective order as he is to follow it. If I don’t call the police when a violation has occurred, the order is no good. I cannot count the times violations have occurred and I’ve called police. One-fourth of these calls have been made in 3 different states. The order is not just about distance. He cannot come near my 3rd parties, nor can his 3rd parties come near me. Given this, cyber-stalking has been the main subject of the phone call made. His character says he will never leave me alone. I have to uphold this order not just because the law says to do so, but for 3 reasons: 1) He will screw up again. He already has, and when the “big” screw-up happens I have a paper-trail for miles. 2) He will do it again to someone else. I don’t know who, when, or how. When he does that person may be dead (I know he’s capable of it). Their family may need my paper-trail. If alive, they may not be able to get someone to believe them, but they can have my paper-trail. Even if they do nothing, my paper-trail is embedded in their mind. 3) God-forbid something to happen to me, it will not be a mystery for any police department. I have a paper-trail.
My consequence list is long, it’s not fun, and it can be humiliating. Here is what I do-I get up in the morning and say I’ll take the consequences over being dead. I’ll take the consequences over wondering if he’s going to drink and I need to be careful about what I say. I’ll take the consequences over worrying about pissing him off so he can slam me up against the door, and hold me by my neck for a 3rd rime until I quit breathing. I’ll take the consequences over making sure the gun is where it’s supposed to be. That list goes on and on, but I’ll take the consequences.
I’ve learned that my family and closest friends will never understand this in-depth. I look at this as another consequence. They are supportive, but they are not victims. My friends may have been with a narcissist, but they weren’t with an abuser. They didn’t have what happened to me happen to them. Many ask, “are you glad it’s over?” I’m glad the court process is over (for me anyway), but it will never be over; after-all, I’m still calling the police. Every victim, every abuser, and every situation is different. As victims, what we have in common is the understanding part, and I think that’s so critical.
The consequences are worth it. You to learn to live with them as anything else. I regret nothing, not even being with him, because I LEARNED so much, and I learned about myself. I’ve been able to travel and speak to victims and victims’s families. I know many victims do not stay through the court process (when the crime goes there). Mine took two years, but as I told one detective early on, after being told I didn’t have to stay this course, “you are dealing with the wrong victim. If I leave, he won”. I’ll take the consequences. No matter what, you will soon realize that you have more power than what you ever believed.
~April
