Breaking Free: Escaping Confusion, Doubt, and Uncertainty by Brenda O

Confusion – Doubt – Uncertainty
Basically, I am a very questioning person. I want to know how things and people work. Yet, I have spent all of my married life in confusion.  Whenever I questioned anything, my husband took it as an affront to him and his position of head of the family.  I have always wondered why did I hurt deep in my heart.  He assured me he loved me but he treated me in a very different way than love, at least according to me… more doubt.  He accused me of being devil-possessed when I was throwing up when pregnant, being sexually abused as a child, having mental problems, not being able to get along with my bosses and coworkers and the list goes on.  Doubt.
He hit me once in our early marriage but I bruise easily so his abuse showed. That could not be allowed because he was a perfect man and husband to the outside world. This was 52 years of how my married life went.  There was good things; God is good and God was always there in my life.  After we retired, my husband and I spent a lot of time together and life rocked on but, of course, the uncertainty was always there.  He also because abusive more frequently. Was love supposed to hurt this way?  He would go off (for what I could see no reason) and give me a good verbal bashing with cuss words.  He didn’t see it as a big deal; everyone says things they don’t mean when they are upset.  More confusion.  By 2018, I was hurting badly.  I prayed daily God would show him what he was doing to me; I was down, broken, and more confused than ever.  
January 2019.  He needed medication so he was making an appointment with the doctor.  I explained to him that he would not get to see the doctor anytime soon but a PA could give him his meds.  He was on hold on the telephone and complaining that he needed to be on the treadmill.  I told him I would hold the phone for him and make his appointment.  (I tried to always fix things for him and make him happy).   When he saw his appointment was with a PA, he went off on me with verbal abuse and cuss words.  I ask him to let me finish cooking lunch and for him to go sit in his recliner.  He then cowered as he left the kitchen and said that I had hurt him yesterday, a ploy he uses often to continue the abuse.  He said I told our daughter that he pushed me while we were walking and I fell.  Since he had done this kind of thing often and I always had no proof of my innocence (his word against mine); I thought “Oh, my daughter can vouch for me” and she did but he said he still believed that I accused him of pushing me.
That moment, God stepped in and told me I did not have to stay in that confusing atmosphere any longer.  I said to John “I am out of here” with no idea of how or where.  God took over and in six months I was moving into my new peaceful home after so many miracles God performed.  It was amazing how God opened doors and showed me how I could spend my time reading His word, praying to him, praising him, and living life for him instead of for my husband.  Wonderful.
October 2023.  John was still in my life in a general way (we share a daughter and two grandsons) but he is still throwing out doubt and uncertainty.  He said he wanted a divorce so he could pursue a relationship.  I realized I could not afford to lose my health insurance.  I emailed him the next day and with all the style of a confuser, he blamed me for wanting a divorce and that he loved me and always will.  I was concerned about his relationship with God and thought maybe if we got counseling (with all the emotional upheaval), he would recognize his deceit.   I prayed and God told me to read His Word.  I argued with God and said I read your word everyday and don’t have the answer.  God said read My Word.  I opened my Bible in the middle (there is a reason Psalms is in the middle) and there at the top of the page was Psalms 18:46-49 (read it).  God said, paraphrased in my words, I got you out of the abusive situation and you do not ever have to go back or rehash the bad.  John’s relationship with God is his own responsibility not yours.