I met the love of my life at 15, little did I know he would turn out to be my abuser too. There was early signs of red flags in the beginning which I failed to ignore because after all I was 15 and had no clue what red flags were. He was constantly ditching me for his friends, or other girls but wanted to know by whereabouts at all times. He would constantly love bomb me with words, gifts, drugs because he introduced me to them.
I got pregnant within only a few months of us dating, and that would be a start to a long exhausting relationship. After our first daughter was born and we finally got our own place the emotional abuse really started. I was constantly being put down, called so many names, if I didn’t do something he asked he would tell me he’s going to kill himself. Our very first apartment he tried to kick me out, pulled every single one of my drawers out of dresser and tossed all my clothes around the house. I always worked either part or full time throughout almost the entire relationship while he sat at home a lot more than he worked just playing video games on his PC all the time. He became a drug dealer in our first apartment while our 1 year old daughter ran around the house he would have people come to buy their drugs all day long while I was at work, he got addicted to crack and shortly after got me addicted to it also. He would tell me we were on a break just so he could sleep with other women, when I would catch him messages girls and confront him about it, he would deny it delete the messages and tell me I’m crazy for even questioning him about it. But even after all that, I would still get back together with him after these “breaks”
We ended up having another daughter 4 years later, the abuse just continued. We lived with his best friend at one point, and an argument broke out between us, he threatened to choke me I got scared and called 911, he ripped the phone out of my hand and smashed it. Cops showed up with children’s aid but I denied anything happening. Children’s aid could see I was being abused but they never really helped me. He use to control my sleep, I wasn’t allowed to nap and if I did I would constantly be woken up. One year he threw our Christmas tree out our front door in front of a children’s aid worker, still nothing was done. I wanted to believe he could change, and that I’m not being abused because well he never hit me.
He raped me, I didn’t know it was at the time because he’s my partner I thought I was required to do everything he wanted me to. But after speaking with a counselor he indeed did rape me by presuring me into saying yes to what he wanted me to do, he would put me down sexually constantly and made me feel worthless like there was always something wrong with me in that aspect and much more. He wanted to have a 3sum so bad he threatened to leave me if I didn’t agree and try to find a women to make this happen. I went on a fetish website posted nude photos of myself from the neck down to please his need.
Closer to the end before I finally left for good, he pressured me into doing live camming with him, at the time it brought us closer together sexually but something still felt really off, shortly after I opened up an account where I could sell more exclusively with pressure from him. He use to make comments that I was going to be his sugar mama one day. It’s almost like I was being groomed into trafficking and I didn’t even see it. I did however enjoy the empowering feeling I got from doing it but at the same time I feel ashamed and gross about it too. The last few weeks is when things got really scary for me, our teenage daughter kept telling me he was abusing us all because he would also call the children names too, and that if I didn’t do something soon like leaving or kicking him out she was going to leave herself. I started to plan my escape with her, I was going to take off at night but it just wasn’t that easy. One night we had a huge argument that resulted in him locking himself in our bathroom with a knife up against his throat threatening to slit it, it was close to 5am I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. He started to grab my arm forcefully to get me to listen to him I had to tell him to let me go while he continued 3 more times to grab my arm again and again. The night I finally told him I had enough and we needed a break, I was trying to make supper for our girls, he wouldn’t leave me alone long enough to make it.. I said I wanted to go for a walk and he stood in front of me blocking my exits and telling me I wasn’t allowed to leave. I managed to get away and ran outside scared not knowing what to do.
I’m still in the middle of a huge court battle, but I’m free, I’m alive and healing day by day. I hope by sharing my story it helps more share theirs, and makes you know you’re not alone. You got this, we are all survivors!
