MY VOICE IS MY MOST POWERFUL TOOL
The prevalence of domestic violence within the Cambodian community is by far one of the most unexpressed and taboo issues to speak about. Not only is it prevalent, but domestic violence has deep roots within Cambodian culture, spanning from the delusion that men are considered superior to their female counterparts and how that dictated the family dynamics. Of course, we also would have to consider other cultural norms as well, alongside the social pressure to keep abuse hidden. Domestic violence has been quietly passed from generation to generation and continues to be rampant within Cambodian American families here in the United States. In the quest to dig deep for any information or research on domestic violence within Cambodian communities, it is unnerving to learn that the stigma behind domestic violence has deterred many Cambodians from speaking candidly about the abuse they’ve endured or witnessed. The lack of research speaks volumes on how domestic violence is viewed by Cambodians and society itself. Here, I will share parts of my story as a domestic violence survivor and touch base on how I found my voice.
I was in a tumultuous relationship with my then ex-husband. Unbeknownst to him, I was dealing with childhood trauma that I haven’t addressed. I’ve never talked candidly about the abuse that occurred when I was younger. I had a distorted view that most children were abused by their parents and it was surreal to me that this was not normal. Getting into the relationship with my ex-husband, I found myself surrounded by chaos immediately. He was a classic case of a narcissist. From the very beginning, all the red flags were there. The first time he called me out of my name, I dismissed it and challenged him because I felt disrespected. A month into dating, I became pregnant and had my first child. Again back to cultural norms, I could not fathom a broken home and stayed by his side. The abuse was gradual. It started off verbally and seeped into physical abuse in no time, not to mention the many other types of abuse that I’ve endured which included psychological, financial, emotional and sexual coercion.
The cyclical nature of the abuse from the tension building to the honeymoon phase is something that I am too familiar with. I was pretty broken and felt like I had no way out. I felt worthless, ashamed, hopeless, defeated, depressed, even suicidal. The trauma from childhood and the abuse at the hands of my ex-husband propelled me to turn to alcohol to cope. His words cut so deep that it left me depleted. I believe every single word he violently expressed. The most damaging was “noone is going to love you”…something my Father used to say to me. I believed that sentiment to the core at one point. Despite a relationship that was based on fear and control, I didn’t leave and undoubtedly felt trapped. I was afraid to leave for numerous reasons. My ex-husband was the breadwinner and I was a stay-at-home mom. I had zero dollars to my name. I was afraid of what he was going to do if I tried to leave. I did not have any outside support. In my culture, we have to be obedient to our husbands no matter what. And we don’t bring our problems to others. I suffered in silence until I could no longer hide my bruises and those close to me began to notice.. I have heard “don’t get into their business”, “that is between them”, “what did she do to him?”, “stay silent and don’t bring shame to the family”.
6 years into the relationship, one fateful night on Mother’s Day, my ex-husband had a fit of rage, left me and our children (we had a second child). He left the house and on that night I told myself that I will not take him back. I was scared because I did not have a plan in place. I went against expectations placed onto me by my culture along with societal views and reached out for help. I was no longer going to tolerate being a doormat, a punchbag, screamed at, manipulated, raped, abused in every way possible and most of all – I was not going to subject my children any longer and expose them further to a toxic environment. It took me months to find the courage to file for divorce which angered my ex-husband further. Of course, he tried to sweet talk me, brandished gifts, false promises, talks of hope for the future – you name it. It was not an easy road for me, but divorcing my ex-husband was one of the best decisions that I’ve made in my life.
After our relationship ended – he stalked me. I filed a restraining order against him. This did not deter him for years. I moved forward by participating in domestic violence groups for women the first year of my divorce. I sought therapy to address my childhood trauma and the trauma that I’ve acquired from my relationship with my ex-husband. I am still in therapy today (we divorced in 2013, so it has been a long journey). I am in recovery from my alcoholism. My children are now teenagers and we have a healthy, loving relationship. Things are still not easy as I have to co-parent with my abuser.
Today I am a strong, confident, and resilient woman. I have shut off old ideals and believe that my voice is my most powerful tool. Finding my voice after years of abuse was a very peculiar thing at first. I come from a world where I was never seen or heard. When I discovered my self-worth and realized that I too, mattered in this world, nothing was going to stop me from sharing my story of resiliency. I’ve used my voice to advocate for myself and others as well. I do not stay silent when it comes to domestic violence. I openly talk about it today, so others don’t feel alone. Many people have turned a blind eye and their backs on me, but that is perfectly fine with me. Today I am surrounded by a strong network of people who supports me. I stand up to my ex-husband every instance we have to interact, learn boundaries, and although my voice may shake, I am able to stand strong in my conviction and will not tolerate intimidation, gaslighting or anything that will affect my inner peace. I have used my experience with domestic violence, alcoholism, and mental health as a catalyst to go back to school and pursue a degree in social work. I want to be able to help others in similar situations and be able to guide individuals to the light at the end of the tunnel.
TODAY, I AM NOT A VICTIM, AND I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.
