A few years ago I left my emotionally, physically, financially and sexually abusive husband of 8 years. It took many years to leave him. It took time to leave him because he became more abusive and threatened me when he knew I wanted to leave. He threatened to take my children away by telling the court I was bipolar (not true). Also he told me, his family and friends advised him to not get a job because they said I would be ordered to pay him more in alimony. He said he would ruin me financially. For years he didn’t work and stole money from me I reminded him. He lied and said no he didn’t and that all I cared about was money. At times he threatened suicide with our kitchen knives even while our children were home. My son was terrified. My daughter luckily too young to understand or remember at the time. Other times he hit me or dragged me to our bedroom where he would force me to have sex with him as he told me no one else could ever have me. The night I knew I had to go, no matter the cost, was when my daughter was hurt in the crossfire. My ex accidentally hit her head into the hallway wall while he was cursing at me and telling me he he hates my face as he was collecting them to leave. Surprisingly he didn’t even care that his teenage nephew was over that night. The abuse became so bad he didn’t care who saw.
When I finally began the process of leaving he began to tell our children how mean I was when I refused to let him kiss or hug me(mind you this was while I was divorcing him and post the divorce). How they should love him more because he has cousins for them to play with. That grandma and grandpa are fun. That mommy doesn’t have cousins for them to play with. That he loves them more than I did. That “Mommy doesn’t want me to be here. That mommy wants me to go.”. It hurt when my daughter looked up at me wondering why was I being so mean.
He changed the context of all stories to put me in a bad light and so did his family. His mother told me she told my daughter “I don’t know why your mommy left your daddy. It hurts me too.”. They knew. They too financially abused me and saw that he was hurting me. His mother knew he used the kids to hurt me but told me it was safest. She once advised me once to let him take my kids otherwise he might have hit me instead.
During this time my own mother too began to abuse me. She too stole money from me after she black mailed me. She said she needed it more then me. She quit her job that month so she had no income. She emailed my ex husband who stole and hurt me so much that I should’ve paid him $100k after the divorce.
Before all of this my mother told me she felt sorry for me and that I should file a restraining order on my husband.
He of course ran with that idea. He asked me if we still had a chance to reconcile. When I said no he responded with a threat to sue me for that $100k.
Years ago, when this all happened, my whole world fell apart. Many dismiss my story. They wonder why I married him and stayed so long. They wonder how could my mother do this to her child. I don’t blame them. Betrayal by family ( in my case multiple members ) is something that I can’t expect people from good families to understand. For those of us who have experienced it… it hits you deep in your soul. You begin to question all of humanity and your existence. Is this life even worth it?
After I realized how toxic they all were I was desperate to find a new family and friends or help. One day the mayor of a city here in Ca contacted me on FB. The mayor of Daly City. He told me he wanted to make new friends from what I remember. Once I realized he was a criminal lawyer and mayor of a city I felt I could trust him. I guess I felt he was a trusted member of society because he was a mayor. Why would someone in his position mislead or not keep his word to people? I decided to ask for advice regarding my mother (who by this time turned my sisters against me). He recommended we meet. He brought me to different restaurants in SF. He kept recommending we meet. Over and over we would meet. He would tell me to meet him and fancy restaurants throughout SF and send me home with extra food for my children.
He told me that my mother and my ex husband were criminals for what they had done. My mother actually had committed felonies according to him. That what my ex husband admitted to in emails, emails he requested I forward to him, was incriminating. He advised me to fight for myself. That I had taken their abuse for far too many years. He said he wanted to help me and that he did not want any money. Sometime later he finally convinced me to allow him to send a demand letter to my mother and to allow him to send someone to speak to my ex husband, who was still abusing me at that time (the later I declined). After the demand letter was sent and he realized my mother was not sorry and ok to go to court he began avoiding my messages. After finally getting a hold of him when I contacted his direct office he told me he couldn’t work on my case anymore because his wife, saw my images on social media and became too jealous. That his case with me put his marriage in jeopardy. That her and all her friends were spying on my social media accounts to see what I looked like. He said my photos were so beautiful she couldn’t handle it. He advised me to not contact her to try and explain our relationship. He instead advised me to download a new app that would allow us to text and be able to erase all messages if needed. He said that this app would protect the both of us.
I must sound like I was such a fool to you all who read this but like I said I was desperate to change my situation. My ex husband was still abusing(cursing at me and sexually assaulting me. One of those times he got me pregnant. When I had the abortion my doctors offered me help to get away that I was scared to accept. Plus I felt I still needed his help). My mother was also reaching out to me again. She claimed to want to give me my money back but I would have to pay the taxes one what she made with my money. She was still trying to manipulate me even after my ex advised me to block her from contacting me a long time prior to this. My ex husband told me he would handle her and that I should stay away. My first abuser was now saving me from my second abuser. I felt thankful. He told me I was lucky to have him in my life.
The mayor told me that he would get me in contact with a friend who would take over my case. This friend wanted to help as well he said. So he said do not give up. That I must stay strong. He told me I should continue the fight and that he wanted to be the one to help me do it. To believe him. To trust him. Time and time again he said wouldn’t stop fighting for me and that I needed to be patient. That I shouldn’t listen to the advice of friends that he was leading me on. That he was pretending to want to help me. He told me that it wasn’t nice of me to question him and I started to feel guilty for not trusting him. He said he was busy with mending his marriage (which recently, according to him, she filed for divorce). Then he was busy with the election. This year, this behavior finally ended. So did the statute of limitations regarding my cases. Finally…I realize my friends were right all along. I just so badly wanted to not feel crazy. When he told me I should accept his help I felt that I finally found someone who cared.
Despite all that I’ve seen and been through I still want to believe there are good people out there. Even though it hurts. I believe that this thought is also what keeps getting me into trouble. So many people want something from you. Once they realize they can’t get it anymore the either become dangerous, vindictive or abandon you. My mother knew my ex beat me and dragged me in my home. She knew he forced himself on me. When she realized I wouldn’t buy her a home (mind you she owned 5 at this time) she too became called me names and told me she had no time for my drama.
My two children are now all I have left of people from my past. However I now see the beginning stages of me loosing them too. Still needing help with my kids my ex husband knows I need his help. I never filed a restraining order because I lost my family at that time too and I didn’t want to ruin his future of finding work. So to this day, I drop them off at his house. Sometimes he drops them off to his family’s house we’re they too don’t like me for leaving.
A year ago his father kept trying to take my picture when I would drop off my kids or pick them up. Said he wanted to show his friends my picture. A few months ago this year he sent me the most nastiest video on FB sort of resembling my situation with his son but with a very inaccurate view. This is the home where they’re often dropped off at.
I stopped going here at the beginning of this year. I could feel the energy towards me was now different. Also in spring it came to my knowledge, by someone in my life, that my ex husband was now working with my mother. The two abusers in my life bought a house together. His family had a history of lying to me. I figured they too knew. I couldn’t see them anymore. My emotional pain began all over again. So this whole year I’ve been a wreck trying to make sense of it all. What did I do wrong to receive treatment like this from both my families. I left four years ago and it’s still hurting. I’m trying so hard to fight for myself but I don’t know how much more I can take.
My ex treats my children so diff from me. He told me I was nothing without him and called cursed me out l multiple times in front of them. To them, he treats them like royalty. They eat it up. They get to play on the internet so much at his house that one day my daughter, 8 yrs old, began watching cartoon porn. My ex says he has no choice but to leave them sometimes because he has to work. I don’t know what’s best for me to do at this point. I’m worried to continue making decisions because everything I’ve done hasn’t turned out the way people say that it should.
My friends say I should be thankful that at least he’s in their lives. They don’t know how much it hurts to drop my kids off to a man who lied and beat me for so many years. They don’t believe me when I say he and his family have been slowly over the years manipulating them. I don’t think they believe them when I tell them his family is doing it to. I don’t think anyone does.
I guess that’s why I needed to write this. To keep my story alive somehow. Even if no one believes me. Which I suppose I want the most. To have someone believe me.
I think most victims never speak because we know people most likely won’t believe us. Standing up for ourselves or asking for help from others is also when the abusers begin slinging mud at our reputation. Most bad behavior is invisible but the emotional scars it leaves last for the rest of our lives. Luckily in my situation I have multiple people who saw bruising on my arms and I have emails, texts and photos from my mother, ex husband and the mayor that all line up with my story. It’s the only way that I can deal with the years of gas lighting they put me through. No one else will believe me but now I know for sure it happened. Unfortunately I find myself retreading them and going over images throughout these years trying to remind myself why I had to leave.
Bad people have children(my mother who black mailed and stole from me). People wind up in abusive relationships (I started dating my ex husband when I was 15) with charming men. Lastly, trusted members of society (the mayor of Daly City) also mislead, drag on and disappoint you even when they’re aware of domestic abuse.
At this point, though I do hope there are kind hearted people out there, I finally trust no one.
Notice: The names in this story are fictitious to protect the request for anonymity.
