All these years watching him on Facebook, I thought that he had strong family values, good Christian morals, and integrity. I was impressed by the way he seemed to always push himself to be his best self. I held him on a pedestal for so long. It was a lie.
We attended the same high school our senior year, I was the new girl. I was at the school for 10 minutes maybe when he walked up to me and asked for my phone number. I thought he was cute. We talked on the phone, he wanted to date but I declined because he had quite the “reputation” and I had a boyfriend who was away at college. Once I had established a group of friends, he called me a “bitch” and told me that once I started hanging out with my “new friends” I became a “bitch”. We stopped talking, he wasn’t at graduation because he got into trouble. We kept in contact off and on due to social media throughout the years. My kids and I visited his family once following a family trip to Louisiana. I always admired his seeming devotion to his family. It looked like he had turned his life around, found God, and became a family man. Looks can be deceiving. I later learned about his multiple affairs, abusive behavior towards his wife and children, assaultive behaviors toward others when he was drinking, etc. I learned that their marriage only survived for so long because he was mostly working offshore or in jail for the duration of the relationship. You never truly know a person until you are in a live in relationship. Noone knows a man’s true character better than his wife or girlfriend.
I would learn that he was unfaithful multiple times throughout is prior marriage, while his then wife was at home raising his children, without the means to leave. I told him from day 1 that honesty was everything and everything is “workoutable” if there is honesty, except for infidelity. He knew that I had just left a relationship for infidelity, and he admittedly made the choice to lie to me about his infidelity during his marriage because he knew that I wouldn’t move towards a relationship with him had I known. He took my choice away from me from the very beginning with his lies.
When I was visiting him that first summer, during an extended vacation, his ex would only exchange custody of their youngest son at the police station. I thought it was because she was upset that I was there. He claimed to not understand why she was “being that way”. Now I understand the reason for that protective measure.
I also gradually discovered his extensive pornography addiction. At the time, he told me he was not addicted to porn, and he would of course stop watching it because I found it to be degrading and disgusting. Obviously, that didn’t happen, it was another lie to continue the ruse and convince me to stay.
He started our relationship based on a lie. He built a picture for me which depicted himself as a victim because his ex-wife “overreacted”. To what, he couldn’t remember because it was apparently so irrelevant when she kicked him out of the house for whatever she was upset about. Then he told me how hard he had been working to win her back but “she never forgave him for one indiscretion early in the relationship”. Also, a lie. Later I would discover he was sleeping with someone else while he was living with his friends, “trying to fix his marriage”. I found out because I went through his phone one night. He kept her nude photo. Later he would try to call her on Facebook messenger after I had to leave due to his violence. Law Enforcement was called by a neighbor that night, when the neighbor’s daughter watched him pin me against the door frame of the open front door by my neck, and then push me from the front porch not allowing me back in the house to where my daughter and her friend were. One of many nights my daughter and I spent in a hotel room to escape his aggression.
I bought him a truck, $15000 dollars later, thinking I was investing in our future and in the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with. I flew in a few weeks later on a “pre-move” visit to establish my new job and found a cell phone I didn’t recognized. He told an odd story about a woman’s cell phone that ended up in his truck after a night out with a friend from out of town. “Funny story” he said. Except he had no details. I forgave him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. One of many ignored red flags.
I tried to make new friends in my new State, he followed me on life 360. Then he showed up at our last stop on our motorcycle ride. He was angry and drunk. He said it wasn’t me that he didn’t trust but he didn’t know “them”, and I didn’t give him an exact time that I would be home, so he was angry. I was gone for about 4 hours that day. They stopped inviting me for ladies’ rides.
Another time, I sold my motorcycle to get him the best defense attorney after he was arrested for DUI on the night of his friend’s wedding. This attorney, whom I researched, happened to be a fill in judge in the small town we lived in. He was drunk long before the wedding we were to attend that night. I went to that wedding with him but took a very expensive uber home that night before the reception. He yelled at me in the truck telling me I was going to ruin his night of fun again for being “mad” at him. I was upset he was so drunk before we left the house because he was an angry drunk and it always escalated. Always. After the wedding ceremony he was yelling at the young bridesmaids, “hey ladies where’s the party at”. I knew he would continue to escalate with me, and I did not want to negatively impact his friend’s wedding reception, so I quietly left.
More pornography, more empty promises.
Pinned to the floor of the closet by my neck, struggling to breathe, while he screamed and spit in my face yelling at me…I chalked it up to liquor and I forgave him…
Later…. Pinned to the bedroom floor, once again by my neck….I forgave him because “it was the alcohol and not really who he is” ….I forgave him ….
Family meeting him and spending more time with him at my dad’s house led to one family member saying, “does he always talk to you like that?”. He was drunk. “If he ever lays a hand on you, you better tell me”. People were starting to see things long before I ever revealed what was happening. It was infrequent that he put hands on me that I always thought that it was me, something I did to contribute to the escalation. Oh, how wrong I was!
I couldn’t maintain my friendships with male friends from back “home” because it was inappropriate…Another double standard that I called him out on because of his constant text messages with his female friend…” But she’s not like that” Ummmmm, neither are my friends but “he knows how guys think”, especially the ones who are in motorcycle clubs… What that says about him, wait, obviously doesn’t apply to him right?
My sister was dying during Mardi Gras…He proposed to me that day and told me to forget about my sister and have a good time with him…This meant drinking with him…He took off on a drunk walk in New Orleans during dinner with my family, kicked me multiple times in the hotel room bed under the sheets so that my brother and sister and law couldn’t see what was happening….I grieved by myself…And I forgave him…
Another intoxicated argument…I tried to walk away from the room to stop the escalation when he jumped up, pushed me against the front door frame with an open front door, pinning me by my neck…This time someone saw it…The neighbor, an 11 year old girl, saw it happen and proceeded to watch him push me off of the front deck and then lock me out of the house in my socks…My daughter and her friend, the neighbor’s sister, were inside the house that I no longer had access to…The little girl ran home and the police showed up…Again I left to a hotel room because he was too drunk to leave…But I forgave him…
More pornography issues.
2 broken and smashed cell phones…The phone with the messages and voicemails from my sister…I forgave him…
My hidden work phone which he couldn’t remember where he hid it because he was so drunk…It took me weeks to find it and I had to report it to my work for a replacement…
My kids stopped calling because they didn’t want to listen to his drunken rudeness; constantly interrupting and talking about how terrible their State of residence is..
My mom stopped flying out to visit…
My son stopped flying out to visit…
Family comments insinuating that I was “crying wolf” when I would reach out for help or to talk…Silenced me once again…Some of my family did not understand “PTSD brain” as a result of Domestic Violence…
He said that my friends were all “whores” …. Meanwhile his were always drunk, in and out of jail, high and crazy on the phone, with marriages and relationships falling apart…
My appointments for my nails, my hair, riding lessons…All took “too” long so I was also a “whore” and I was “selfish”… He showed up drunk at my hair appointment to make sure I was “really there”…Obviously I was.
He had a long time friendship which seemed to come to an end…I asked him why and he told me that it was my fault and cited “girl things” insinuating that his friends wife had a problem with me…He wasn’t able to articulate or tell me what it was specifically…
Watching my new phone in the living room trying to avoid another drunk escalation, hoping he would pass out in the bedroom…Nope, as he marches out into the living room and takes away my phone while yelling at me…I hopped off of the couch so I wouldn’t be trapped between him and the wall and he promptly took my place on the sofa to scroll my phone…I stood in front of him and asked for my phone so that I could call my brother, because I had finally reached my limit…He kicked me once, and continued to push me several times with his foot after the initial kick…This time I called the police from my work phone…He was arrested…I moved out…The same friends who stopped talking to him, bailed him out along with his mother…
He found God, he gave up alcohol, went to Texas to return to doing what he loved, I moved back in because I FORGAVE HIM again…and I supported him…
He returned to alcohol…
He called my daughter an “idiot”, she was 11 then…
Women’s phone number on the back of a receipt in his center console, I gave him the benefit of the doubt over what she told me…. And I forgave him…
I married him…
Drinking and mood cycles returned with a new severity ….
“whore”
“idiot”, his favorite word when he was drunk…
“cheater”, because I had to work on call and wouldn’t leave my daughter at home with him…Pretty sure he was accusing me of everything that he was doing…
The first night during this most recent escalation I tried to go to sleep to avoid the aggression; but he shook me, turned the lights on, brought a speaker in the bedroom to blast music in my face … He finally passed out…
The night he was arrested I tried to go to the spare bedroom to avoid the escalation again and watch movies with my daughter…”I will break all of that shit”…I asked him to leave me alone so that I didn’t have to call the police…”Call them!” with a lunge and once again my phones were both taken away, my safety gone, my wrist twisted strategically, and my fingers bent backwards while he glared at me and stared me down to watch my pain tolerance reached before he released me…
This time he can leave…I will protect myself and my daughter…
This time I filed for a Protection from Abuse order so that I have time to figure out what I’m doing…
The water stopped running on a Friday night…Retaliation no doubt…
The power turned off while my daughter was at home alone…Retaliation continued…
Pornography left behind on the tablet he left on the couch…I stopped going through his phone over a year ago so I just hoped that he had actually followed through with all of his promises this time…
And now…………………..
He’s sober again…He’s on fire for Jesus again…He’s on medication she said…
She comes into my home uninvited, without permission while I was at work and my daughter was home alone…
My mother in law said she flew in that afternoon around 2 and she was “staying”…
“I’m here to support” she said…
Except in a way that was frightening, disrespectful, unsupportive, and wrong…
“I’ve rearranged the refrigerator and separated my food from your food”
I don’t want any problems she says as she is forcing her way into my home.
“I’ve moved (insert my daughter’s name) things out of the spare room and my things in because I am staying”
The she has the gall to ask me, “May I ask why you are moving out?”
And suddenly everything was clear….
I don’t know what my future looks like.
No, he didn’t hit me, he likes my neck. He likes to watch my pain and get me to give in.
The highest risk of lethality. The biggest intimidation factor.
Biblically, he has broken his vows multiple times in multiple ways.
There are a lot of things God has yet to show me, but he continues to light my steps; one step at a time.
My boundaries are rock solid and this time I am being led by my maker.
