I met my current partner (‘W’) in 2006. Mutual friends introduced us at a birthday party being thrown for me. I didn’t know him at all, but really liked him from our first meeting and felt a connection. There was a spark. He was very into me. I was into him. However, he did not love bomb me or do anything whatsoever to throw red flags. He worked, I worked, and we lived separately the first 3 months of our relationship. I thought I was getting better at judging character but evidently I was wrong. I say this because the year before I met W, I had escaped an abusive relationship (‘N’). W and I moved in together after about 6 months of dating.
The first three years of our relationship wasn’t perfect.. but I didn’t expect perfection. Especially after what endured before W. I noticed he was touchy about his past marriage and his family and did not like to talk about it or share details. I understood to a degree; I didn’t like talking about my prior relationship with N.
I got pregnant in 2009 after 3 years together. His anger started increasing over the strangest things. W very rarely ever got physical, but I vividly remember the first time he ever grabbed me. I was pregnant. We were in a fight about money and where we should live once the baby came. He cornered me and grabbed my arm so hard he left thumb prints. He profusely apologized after the fact… I should have left him then.
Once our son came and we found suitable housing, things were some better. We argued a lot but he worked so much that he was hardly home. I stayed home with our son. When I returned to work after a year home with the baby, W lost his job (still unsure of the circumstances) and basically has not held steady work since 2010. I was told by mutual friends that he let his temper get the best of him and that he was let go. He briefly had a couple of odd jobs that didn’t last, and constantly blamed others for his misfortunes.
Our arguments got much worse. Horrible, horrible screaming matches. Even when I tried not to participate, he would follow me to the next room or outside and keep goading me to fight. He started gaslighting and insulting. The gaslighting and victim blaming has been the worst. It was bad then.. and just deplorable now.
He accused me of cheating on him with a couple of different guys. But it never happened. He’d go into a rage when I asked questions about job hunting, his past, or really anything that had to do with him other than breathing. He constantly guilted and blamed me for his misfortunes. He also started complaining profusely about my mother (who is a saint). She doesn’t meddle or judge. Will help in any way she can. But according to W, she is part of the reason he can’t find a job. (Long side story there, but he’s a grown man.) I told him to stop making excuses and man up.
Flash forward to current. W has not worked in 13 years. He lives rent free in our home. I can’t even have a normal conversation. He’s rude, hateful, and entitled. Loud and interrupts. Knows everything… he will even correct the world news. Stomps through the house snd slams things. He starts fights over nothing. He will be abrasive and toxic; name calling and blaming. His gaslighting has reached an all time new level. He now resorts to bringing up N who I escaped from- W tells me that I’m imagining that he’s like that because of what I went through. He tells me I’m the one who’s hateful and toxic. That I’m the one who starts fights. The psychological torture is too much to bear. I am not perfect by any means but I know what I see and hear.
I am currently having very unhealthy thoughts and feelings. Our son acts desensitized to the fighting. It’s normal for him, unfortunately. W refuses to leave. Literally refuses to go anywhere. He knows I won’t call the cops because he does not get physical, and I don’t want to further traumatize our son. We never got married, but apparently that makes my situation more difficult, according to an attorney.
I post this to tell anyone reading: don’t be like me. Get out while you can. Because sometimes there is no hope once you’re far enough in.
