Hello I’m 29 half Irish half Croatian. I feel very traumatized by my upbringing in particular the abuse I received from my father, lack of love, affection and attention. Being criticized and put down. Physical abuse, hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, emotional abuse, shouting, fear based environment and control tactics. I received s*@ual abuse when I was about 11 years old from my first cousin in Croatia. He brought me I into he’s bedroom and made us take part in he’s gratification and curiosity. Putting clay in my genitals.
My parents separated when I was 14. I didn’t see my father for 5 years at that time. I was preyed upon by a man 10 years older than me, who groomed me for a number of years. I was s*@ually involved with him on and off. I was trying to focus on getting my nursing degree at the time. And he was a distraction and also curiosity for me, he was older and wealthy and I didn’t understand why he’s giving me attention. He didn’t take no for an answer many times and I felt he took advantage of my vulnerability and naivety. I thought he would fall in love with me or that I could be the woman to change him. He spoke about getting married and how we would drive us in the blue beetle. He sent me pictures of his private parts while I was on placement in Dublin, working in a nursing home. I didn’t ask for the picture and he sent it to me. He used to call me and ask me to show him my private parts while I was at home with my family in Athea. I was becoming ‘infatuated with him’ my mother used to say. I was developing strong feelings, but I was deeply confused. Not able to create other healthy connections with men while in university because I thought maybe he is my guy, so I waited perhaps subconsciously.
I recently had a mental breakdown while living in Australia working as a nurse. I was commenced on antidepressants for the first time in March 2023. After I was once again betrayed by the boy I had been seeing, when he said he didn’t see a future with me and that he was only using me for sex. I had also been triggered by the online education course I was doing for CPD as part of nursing. Learning about the 4 different types of child abuse and realising I had experienced all 4. My uncle had also just commit suicide. These 3 events collided and I broke down. I was left feeling so destroyed, hopeless and suicidal. I had no support around me, no friends or family. I was burnout from nursing and helping others and the fact I failed at getting a partner to commit to me or to have someone in my life to help support me. I reached out to lifeline and starting taking all the help and support I could get. Called to a domestic violence shelter where I received a compassionate ear, frozen meals and a grant voucher for financial help. I bought myself a bed frame after being on a mattress for months.
My childhood has deeply wounded me, having a father who I was deeply afraid of but loved and craved he’s attention and admiration. Not receiving that left me with such low self esteem that despite my achievements in academia and sports , I have failed to succeed in any sort of healthy connection. I have spent so much money on getting help and trying to heal. That I don’t even have any money left to maintain a social life. I’m so stuck and lost now. Having recently paid for plant medicine to help get to the root cause. I have realized I have deep fear of men that’s stems from my childhood and first intimate relationships with the older man that was toxic and abusive.
I’m hurt and I’ve pushed everyone away. I don’t understand the justice. Because I was just a child and my basic rights and needs were neglected.
I also recall a time when I was being babysat by my uncle and he got mad at me and threw me across the room. When my mom got home, I ran to her to tell her what happened and she just turned and slapped me across the face. My uncle and aunty still recall this event and have proceeded to remind me from time to time about how bad they felt.
