‘m 31 now but when I was 16 to the age of 19 I experienced, in my opinion, extreme violence from a boyfriend. This “boyfriend” would eventually become my “husband” at the age of 18 and whom I’m still legally married too. I refused to take his last name as my own after everything that had happened. Now if you look at me, There would probably not be one single thing about my personality or my behavior that would ever indicate any sort of abuse in my life. I smile every day, I’ve got a wild sense of humor as well as very sarcastic at time. I also have an immense amount of empathy for other people, I feel very deeply for others and that came from my experience being abused physically, mentally, emotionally, psychology and spiritually when I was just 16. In my mind, i won. Not him. Im the one who goes on living my life every day since as if he didn’t exist. In my mind, i would tell myself that the only reason he would hit me was because he couldn’t manage to outsmart me or talk his way out of ridiculous behaviors. He only would hit me when I spoke the truth or when I caught him in a lie, at first. Then it became more often, He’s started off with pushing/slapping my face or near my mouth. Then it progressed from being over something small like a disagreement about our relationship to him all but forcing me to do what he ordered. Once, I tried to make us steaks. Mind you, i was 16. I had just been home with meals being cooked for me to having to know how to perfectly cook a steak to his satisfaction. Well, i didn’t do it right and the attack that night was because I refused to eat both of the steaks I cooked. It progressively became worse physical violence but over the smallest things I would do. I wish I knew then what I know now. At 16 it’s hard to be faced with a older good looking guy with a license and money and a job who wants to take me on shopping trips for clothes and shoes and out to eat with my best friend and brand new phones. It was even more appealing because an argument with my dad at home lead me to leave after thinking he meant it when he told me to get out. I was in need of some stuff because my own stubborness wouldn’t let me apologize or make amends. Either way Juan, that is his name, became like my hero. I never would have expected it from him. He was so silly and goofy and really funny, didn’t drink or do drugs at all and wouldn’t let me either. I never would believe it could get to the point where in 17, being locked into a bedroom in the apartment I moved into with him while he went to work for a couple days before he changed the lock from outside the bedroom door, back to inside like normal. I ran away from this guy many times. Literally waited for an opportunity to get out the apartment door and I ran out of the complex and would go find a payphone to call my best friend to come get me. A few times I hid in a nearby store because he was driving up and down the street looking for me. I knew that it probably wouldn’t be long until he would eventually kill me. I had safe words with my best friend. If I ever said the words “my head hurts” or “I have a headache” through a text or on the phone that meant to come and do not leave without me. I used it maybe once or twice because he had a habit of breaking my phones. I didn’t care at the time because I knew that meant we were getting new phones. I had so much stuff at that time. New Jordans, new phones, coach brand purses,Clothes from the mall only and even jewelry he would buy me. None of it meant anything to me. Every thing had some memory of when he messed up and hit me, or hurt me someway attached to it. This is when guys having money, became an insignificant detail about them to me. It would never impress me again because Juan always had money. Always bought me things. As an adult I’ve said a few times and shown lack of interest in men based off money. Well Juan is the reason why. I thought dating an older guy, only a few years, was super cool as well. Well at 16 it just meant he was more experienced sexually than I was and expected so much more from my 16 year old self than I could deliver. He expected a porn star, i was far from that. Honestly he just was into weird things and odd foreplay that I was too immature at the time to understand. My first instinct at 16 was to go tell all my friends about the weird things he would try to do. He refused to see how emotionally immature I was. It came as a surprise every time I rather go hang out with my friends than go be abused by him. He stalked me. Literally would show up places where I was out of no where. He would threaten suicide, sending out chain texts to my and my friends. He even cheated on me with a girl he met online who turned out to be a minor when he was 20. It was just nonsense with him. Once I started to become more comfortable with leaving, one of the last two attacks that finally ended us he took it too far. Way too far. We weren’t married yet but he was my boyfriend. He overreacted again because I wanted to leave with my best friend Rosie, well once I was tired of the scene he was making i told her I would just stay home and after she left he attacked me again. This time cutting off all my clothes and proceeding to rape me. It was the worst night of my entire existence and I will never ever forget everything he did and how much it hurt every inch of me. Even my hair hurt. Inside hurt and i was pretty sure he had to have damaged something in me. My body had welts all over the next day from a cold shower he forced me to take while getting his belt and…im sure you get the picture. Along with the embarrassment I felt because he had recorded what he did, i felt like I had to get away and stay away this time. I’ve got this intense amount of resilience as a woman and just as a person. There was no way I was going to let it or him keep me down and feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this was the mindset I adopted, like a whole other alter ago that I stepped into so that I could keep myself going through it all. Currently, all of me is this resilient person. The abuse did alot to my brain and my Sense of self. Sometimes I feel like the alter ego took over the old version of me because that one had died. like a soul death except she was reborn later. She is the new me. I’m happy to say that eventually he did 11 months in jail for domestic violence on me. An argument ended in him attempting to break my neck. Like I knew he would, he was trying to kill me after losing hold of a fork he was going to try to stab me with. He took sacrmento police on a high speed chase eventually hitting someone driving into oncoming traffic. It was my best friend that had called the police. Luckily she did because I probably wouldn’t have. By this time we had already got married. Another day where he forced me to get into the car to go because I changed my mind. I was so messed up emotionally I went from being forced to marry him and scared to say anything to afterwards, going to visit my dad at his new house and looking like nothing at all was wrong. I’m emotionally more stable now than back then. I feel my feelings, trying my hardest to practice self awareness and maintaining the ability to have the proper reaction to situations in life. Ive been so desensitized to alot of behaviors that to others are obviously either strange, annoying, unhealthy but to me are just like ok what’s the big deal? I’ve struggled with comparing many things I see to my own experience, as a reference, When figuring out whether or not i agree or disagree. My tolerance for certain things is very low or non existent because of that relationship. My relationship after Juan, Im pretty sure I called the cops on him between 5 to 10 times throughout the whole relationship. Something I’m not ashamed of at all. Hopefully something that shows that I will not accept behavior that makes me feel like I’m in danger or that threatens me. Something I never ever did with Juan. I’m very straightforward now where as I was shy and quiet and never spoke up with Juan. I’m this way to avoid misunderstandings and so its very clear what I’m ok with and what I am not. I found the lessons in the experience after much time searching for it and have grown as a individual because of it. Im happy to report that each time I write out my story and what happened and re read it, i always realize something about myself from it. It helps me recall lost memories, It reminds me that I never want to feel that way again. It reconfirms that I am the way I am for real reasons. My flaws and my strengths are all my experiences. Im so much more of a strong person because I remind myself that what I went through was not because I was weak, its because he was. My name is Christian Torres, Hopefully something i shared about my own life will help another or inspire in some way.
