by Survivior Stacy
I used to love journaling as a young teenager. I never thought that my thoughts and feelings would become my strength in sharing my story. Re-reading my inconsistent journal entries over the past 26 years of my marriage was very traumatic, however, I learned in the end I am a strong, independent, beautiful woman today. I broke free from not only my ex husband, but I was able to break free from my addiction and find clarity.
I remember meeting this guy on New Year’s Eve of 1997. I was 20 and in a toxic relationship for the past 5 years. He was cute and I wanted to get to know him better. He felt the same towards me and our first date was set. He was charming. He had a drivers license and a car which was a huge deal for me!! He had this big smile to go with his boasterous laugh. He listened to what I had to say and when I seemed excited it seemed he was excited for me. We had the same views of the future and liked the same music. Next thing I know, we are in bed together on our second date. Within a month he asked me to not go home and from that night on I moved in.
At this time I was a very independent woman. I was in college finishing up my Associates Degree and was going into my Bachelor’s. I knew my career path and it was all about my career. Kids were not a thought in my mind. He on the other hand was a drop out from high school, but pursuing an EMS certificate.
Looking back now i was his number one fan. I helped him get his GED, took him to his first job interviews. I always stood behind him even when the red flags appeared….
I noticed in the beginning when I would go out with my girlfriends, He would be lurking around the parking lot. One time I was with my girlfriends at my ex’s home about to go out and when I walked outside this car with beaming lights came down the street like a maniac and it was him telling me to get home now. He always knew where I would be. It was then that the isolation started and I didn’t even realize it.
As this relationship blossomed, I found myself in love with him. We talked about marriage but I wasnt close to being in that situation. I still had my career I thought.
On Christmas of 1999, Shiloe took me out back of my parents house and got down on one knee and proposed. I didn’t want to lose him, but I was not ready to be a wife. I begged him to get up as everyone in my parents home were staring out the window of the bathroom and backdoor. I freaked and froze and the next thing I said was yes. I remember that entire day I didn’t announce it to my relatives until my mom announced it. Another red flag was when we told his mother he ran away and left me standing there showing the engagement ring to a woman who clearly didn’t like me. I was in total confusion.
Then 4 months later I got the biggest shock that changed the course of my life forever. I was 4 months pregnant. The only thing we could do at this time was get married as I needed health insurance and that’s what we did. April of 2000 I was now a wife and a soon to be mother. My career was never gonna happen. I remember crying at night, scared and frightened. Fearful of the unknown. Sept of 2020 came a beautiful daughter and we were planning our big wedding.
April of 2021 we were getting married in a Catholic church as He was Catholic and he didn’t believe in divorce. When we were taking this assessment to see if we had the same morals and values we failed the communication part horribly. We got 30% out of 100%. The lack of connection in this area and other areas of the test I should have realized that there was going to be a lot of misunderstandings.
As the years we had another baby our beautiful son. We bought a house, had great careers and everything seemed good but life was a far from fine. He always bad mouthed my girlfriends. When I wanted to go out with them, He would find some way to either work, or complain he couldn’t take care of both the kids. He would start a fight with me and every time I would make excuses as to why I couldn’t go out.
As He moved up in his career to a paramedic then a flight medic he was never around. He was an exceptional worker, got a long great with co-workers. He was always early to work and left later than he needed too. He worked all the holidays over the years. He became the absent father. He was there for his friends but when it came to us at home he never put in the effort. He would be sleeping most of the time or laying in bed watching TV. He had very little interaction with the kids.
I felt suffocated, alone, and his temper was like a child throwing a temper tantrum. It was his way or the highway. He would say things like “If you leave you will lose everything.ˮ I started to fall into this hole that I wasn’t able to climb out. I was no longer this strong, independent woman. I never knew what man I would wake up too or who would come home at night time. I was walking on eggshells. I tried to talk to my mother and she would say marriage is hard. You have to work at it. I watched he move up in his career and I was in a miserable career. I found myself working full time having to get the kids up to school get home right after work to feed them, help with homework, bathe them and get them to sleep. He was either sleeping or at work.
As the years went on, I was prescribed pain meds for numerous kidney stones that I needed surgeries for. I started to abuse my pain meds to numb myself. I became withdrawn, and even though the fights were loud, hurtful, and sometimes came with a few holes in the wall, and a broken bathroom door that he kicked in to see what I was doing. I still didn’t see how my addiction was taking off. I then found myself when a fight pursued I would take a few pills to stop the verbal and emotional abuse. The manipulation, the gaslighting, the blaming, the threats of harm, feeling alone, the disrespect, and the constant nagging. I was never good enough for him. I would never do anything right, or i was too fat, too short, worthless, or useless. Everything was always my fault. I was always in a state of confusion and a long the way I lost who I was as a person.
Along came the demoralization part of our marriage. He had a huge porn addiction. He would download videos all day long and filled up an entire 500 CD book. I used to have to bring them to my parents to hide them on him. Then he did the worst thing a husband could do. He violated my trust and privacy by putting our homemade videos on pornsites without my permission. When I found out he said he would stop but he didn’t. I finally got a hold of all the sites and said this was revenge porn and they made him delete them and his accounts. This went on for about 5 years so when I took pills I would act like one of these porn stars to keep him interested in me and not step out of our marriage. That’s how I would get affection from him. I was advised by a lawyer that I needed to document everything which I was able to do.
In 2013 everything changed. I was getting help for my addiction and than I got pregnant again. I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and when we got to the hospital this woman that he worked with came up to him and said “Hi babeˮ and kissed him on the lips. I knew at that moment he had stepped out on our marriage. Than two months later while going to a meeting I was sexually assaulted and he didn’t believe me. He said it was my fault and not to report it. To make matters worse he ended up contacting genital warts which he tried to blame me for my past history with men. Thank goodness to this date I get blood work every year and I still am not affected by this.
By 2017 I had relapsed hard. I had been to my first psych ward by this time and also my first detox and rehab. I was miserable, stuck at home as he felt I belonged home not working. Just another tactic to keep me isolated. I had no friends anymore so I was stuck with my own thoughts.
In 2020 my life changed. This is when he started to lose control. It was constant surveillance from this point on. he at this point decided to put cameras up all over the outside of the home and the inside, even in our bedroom. He would stalk me all day. If I moved he would text me asking where I was going. I was uncomfortable in my own home. he stripped me from my own sense of safety.
Then came the trackers in my car, my phone was being tracked by he, he would sign into my device to check my history. Anytime I said anything he would tell me I was crazy and it was all in my head.
The worst form of control and scare tactic he did was start buying shot guns. When I would go to sleep he would be cleaning them. There is something frightening when you hear the noises that these shot guns made. The clicking and shutting of the barrel, then the clicks of the gun going off not knowing if maybe just maybe there was a bullet in the chamber.
If that wasn’t enough he finally crossed that line that forever changed my life. One night I got into an argument with my daughter. As she pushed me I went back towards her but before I knew it, he had his hands around my neck, choking me to the kitchen floor. I still can’t get the look of fear on my daughter’s face out of my head. I knew that I had to leave.
I made a 4 year plan. I got some help with my addiction in a 12 step fellowship. I got a support group of women and some men that I started to open up about the abuse. After I mentioned the abuse to a friend she drove me to a domestic violence location where she held my hand as I told my story. I immediately got into counseling and was taking classes to learn more about abuse and how to create a safety plan. I read books and I journaled. I started a self care routine. I started to spend more time away from the home with my friends. I started trauma therapy. I got involved in support groups about abuse and narcissism. I even decided in 2021 to go back to school to become a Certified Recovery Peer Advocate as well as a Certified Addiction Recovery Coach. I got a part time job so I could start learning how to become self sufficient again.
I started to realize I was becoming the woman I never thought I would become again. I was living my life, traveling to different conventions with friends in recovery.
Feb 1st 2024 I made my move. I left my kids and my puppy and moved out into this small 1 bedroom basement apartment. That was all I could afford. The financial dominance he had over me that I had no idea was going on, he behind my back spent our life savings along with my son’s savings account. I left my home with $5000 dollars in my bank and $2800 dollars went to a deposit and first months rent. Of course he couldnʼt believe that I did this. Two months prior to moving out he drove me 5 hours to pick up a toy Yorkie for an anniversary present. He thought it would keep me from leaving and it was just another control tactic.
The divorce papers came by the end of Feb and I became officially divorced on July 31st 2024.
Today, I am still healing. I got a full time job, with my own benefits for myself and my kids. I have a 401k plan. I pay my own car insurance and bills. This year I will be going back to school to get my masters in social work.
The scars remain both visible and invisible. But they don’t define me. They remind me of the strength I found in myself to survive. I have learned that healing is a journey, not a destination. There will be setbacks, but I will keep moving forward one step at a time.
I found my voice. I shared my story and it’s given me a sense of power I never knew I had. There is hope for healing and recovery. Remember you are never alone.
