I was 14 at the time, living with an emotionally abusive father, just starting highschool. I had never really had a relationship beforehand. I met a 16 year old guy through a gaming club, we shared the same favorites for games (I was a serious tomboy).
The first night I had him over to watch movies and play games he kissed me…I had never been kissed let alone given attention by a guy. Naive me fell immediately. We were dating within the week. Months passed and things were “fine”, as they always are at first.
He never hit me, but he pressured me into sex with him and I lost my virginity without wanting to…from then it turned to he didn’t ask, when he did and I didn’t want to, he’d cry until I have in. I’d ask him to stop and he wouldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, hang out with friends unless he was there, talk to guys, he controlled what clothes I wore. I lied to my parents, snuck out, pushed friends away. He forced me into sending lewd photos and videos and he showed all his friends. I started getting extremely depressed. I stopped eating and showering, I was always on the phone with him or at his house…he wouldn’t let me do anything else. He threatened to kill himself, leak my videos, he convinced me I had something to hide and he would tell my parents. He raped me 7 times.
One day, I told my best friend how he’d hurt me and what was happening after hiding it all for a year. How getting intimate was painful, I was never educated and didn’t know that was wrong. He told me and it all hit me what was happening. I cried in his arms and together we called my mom, she came from another state to help. I was sent away to a in-person therapy program for a month because I had developed a self harm addiction and attempted to take my life, I couldn’t keep myself away from him.
I learned I had Stockholm syndrome at the age of 16. I also ended up being sexually assaulted twice afterwards by a friend and once by a classmate I invited over to work on a project.
I’m 18 now and have been in a relationship for a year or so. I’m in therapy, though I am diagnosed with CPTSD and Autism. I struggle a lot with trusting men I don’t know, severe anxiety around new people, and sensitivity to physical affection and personal space.
I’m still working to get better, I know it will take some time. I’ve built such a lovely support system of very close friends and become an ally to those who have similar experiences to me. I’ve built a lot more confidence in myself, my body, I wear makeup now and skirts and big jewelry, I’m comfortable and empowered in my femininity. My boyfriend is so supportive.
They are horrible for what they did to me, and others, but without it I wouldn’t be as resilient and powerful as I’ve become. I’d say that’s my justice. Becoming everything they were afraid of.
