By Survivor
Hi I wanted to share this message I’m sending to my stepfather who perved on me throughout my teen years in hopes it will help others who might have experienced this confusing version of abuse.
Hi I know it’s taken a while for me to talk about this and I do feel like I owe Mum an answer to how I want to approach this. Also, I wanted Mum to enjoy her holiday. I was considering talking in person but I don’t think I’ll be able to express myself properly and I don’t think there’s any benefit.
It needs to be clear that there is only one person at fault here and that is Pete. Everything is a direct consequence of your actions that is it. I have no one to forgive and I have nothing to apologise for. I know that for you this was a mistake that you made in a moment in your life that seems insignificant, and in the timeline of your relationship this was also insignificant. Both of these things are irrelevant to me. Because your actions, although minuscule to you, happened to me at the most pivotal time in a child’s life, particularly a young girl. Your actions changed the course of my life, you shaped my view on men and relationships and my own body – at 14. I will never, ever have the opportunity to re-do that. You get many times to re-do being an adult, up until you die you can re-do being an adult but a childhood? You get one go. Now as a Mum, I realize even more the importance of innocence and freedom in childhood, and I feel so much rage that when I look back on my childhood, my strongest memories are fear and unknowing. Why is this 50-year-old man who is supposed to be someone I trust looking at my naked childhood body? Did you know that every time I hear a noise or see something move out of the corner of my eye in the shower or in my bedroom my stomach still drops the same as it did when i was 14? I made the decision not to tell my mum, that’s on me. I should have told her straight away but I was bound by fear. What if I tell her and she doesn’t believe me and he hurts me? Do you know the fear of being alone with your stepdad and wondering if tonight will be the night that he finally crosses the next line? Maybe tonight he will try to touch the child he looks at. I don’t care if my body was changing into a woman, that was not for you to discover. But you did and you took that away from me. I feel so uncomfortable, so disgusting to know you have seen me naked without my consent by your own accord. I have fleeting moments where I think it would just be easier if I forgot and moved on and then I remember that I would be putting myself in discomfort that I’ve sat in my whole life. It makes me uncomfortable to think about you in my home and with my daughter. I don’t want to be uncomfortable anymore and I don’t want her to learn that it’s okay to ignore how you feel to please other people. I know you have done countless things to help Andrea and I and while it’s appreciated, there was always a black cloud above my head thinking why is he doing this? Is it so I won’t tell? Everything felt like a transaction to me, I don’t need anymore transactions. You might think I’m overreacting and that’s okay I understand. But think about how my brothers would react if I told them, and then you will remember the gravity of your actions. I won’t tell them, and that is the last thing I will do to protect you. I will pretend at family gatherings, no one will know how I’m feeling as I have most of my life because I want Mum to be happy. It’s not for you. I do believe you know you made a mistake, I don’t think you would do it again but I don’t know that for sure. The trust will never, ever, ever return and there is no psychologist that can tell me that it’s safe for my daughter to be around you and there is no psychologist that can erase my memory or the way you made me feel. You dont need to respond and I dont expect a response. Also how you choose to continue your relationship has nothing to do with me, please don’t consider my feelings and don’t feel the need to explain yourselves to me.
