By Jenn Rockefeller
The aftermath of an abusive relationship is fraught with tumultuous waters. Navigating such a road will leave us feeling bent, broken and bruised. If you have children born of the abusive relationship, parenting after such an experience will no doubt leave you feeling uncertain and intimidated.
That is why it is imperative that we model healthy behaviors with and around our children. Healthy parenting after an abusive relationship will be difficult at best. How can we parent our children in a healthy manner after such an experience?
The road to healthy parenting is not paved with gold, nor does it have a perfect little house with white picket fences. Healthy parenting means that you and your child (or children) work through your issues in a healthy manner.
But if your children live with the abuser, or have visitation, the waters of healthy parenting can become murky. The abuser will create a sense of doubt and hostility within the children, which in turn can instill a sense of uncertainty towards not just you, but perhaps also the world around them.
Talking with your child needs to be done in a respectful manner, especially if they are not accustomed to being treated that way. I always treat my children with respect and talk to them as such. In fact, there was a situation with my daughter recently that prompted a discussion. I didn’t spend a lot of time discussing the issue, I merely just touched on the problem in a respectful way. I explained to her that she (and my son) can always come to me to talk and that I will never get mad or upset when I am told the truth. I apologized for something that I didn’t do, to which she softly gave me a response to help guide me to be a better mom to her.
When working through issues with your children, here are some tips to keep in mind:
- Remember they are people too. Children have feelings. Speaking to them in a harsh tone won’t get you anywhere. Remember to speak to them in kind, soft, respectful tones.
- Validate them. Children need to know that their thoughts, opinions and feelings matter. Acknowledge that. When they know their feelings and opinions matter, they are more apt to be receptive to what you are saying.
- Apologize when necessary. If you made a mistake or were in the wrong, tell your children that. They need to know that you are a person, too, and will make mistakes along the parenting road. When they hear you apologize, they learn that you respect them enough to apologize when you make a mistake. Admitting you were wrong about something will help them learn the value of apologies in relationships.
- Listen to them. When working through issues with your children, remember to listen to them. Don’t just pay them lip service. Really listen to them. Hear what they are saying. They need to know that you really hear them.
- Make time for them. Chores around the house can wait. Spend quality time with your children on their level. Get down and play, create and be silly. They need to see (and know) that you are willing to spend time with them. This will go a long way to working through issues with them because when issues arise, they will remember back to the times you spent with them and realize that you do care.
- Show that your love is unconditional. Above all, show your children that you love them unconditionally. When they mess up (as children always do), they need to know that you will always love them no matter what.
When situations with your children are handled in a respectful way, the relationship between you and your children will not only avoid becoming toxic, it will also teach your children that they can come to expect calm and rational discussions from you. Children are astute observers – they see and understand more than adults give them credit for. They will come to learn the main difference between you and the abusive parent. Above all, the main focus is for you to adopt healthy behaviors in every aspect of your life so that these healthy behaviors spill over into your parenting style.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.
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