By MaryBeth Koenes
As a life coach and mother, I have encountered a lot of parents asking for tools to help them not only cope with the recent routine upheavals due to COVID-19, but also to support their children’s mental and emotional health through the sudden, radical life changes. Whether it’s due to a global pandemic or exiting a hostile living situation, children are often given little to no resources to help them identify, manage, and work through the BIG (sometimes paralyzing) feelings that come with unexpected transitions. With a background in early childhood education along with my personal experience walking my two children through a hostile divorce from their father (my abuser), his suicide, and now surviving quarantine as a sole parent, I have a few strategies that might be able to help parents guide their children from chaos to calm.
These tools are universal to all ages of children and adults. Children follow their parents’ actions far more than they will follow their words. As parents, when our words and actions align, we have the potential to cultivate a deep foundation for emotional intelligence in our children. Of course, in an ideal world, parents would be able to model recentering during times of uncertainty. However, I also recognize the very real probability that some of us may not feel we have the capacity, energy, or knowledge to engage in complex (and age-appropriate) conversations with our children about emotions. That’s okay. There is still hope for being able to support our children when they are struggling to understand or cope with life.
Here are five coping strategies to teach children how to stay grounded:
- Name feelings in your body. Ask your child, “Where do you feel your big feeling in your body–head, tummy, chest, eyes? Is it dull and achy, hot, sharp, constant, coming in waves? What happened before you started noticing the feeling? What do you think I could do to help you feel safe right now (or when you’re feeling that again)?
- Talk to a safe person about your thoughts and feelings. Mom, Dad, a grandparent, or therapist could be options for helping children release some of their thoughts and feelings by communicating them to a trusted loved one. Imagine when you, as an adult, feel overpowering emotions and how few words you sometimes have to articulate the magnitude of their influence. Now imagine trying to describe those emotions as a child, having even less experience, language, and understanding of your emotional world. When children feel safe to express their emotions to a safe adult, they can get the lifeline they need to be able to move through all the uncertainty their young bodies are carrying. The Way I Feel by Janan Cain is an excellent resource to help kids and parents learn how to talk about feelings.
- You are okay. Being caught in the middle of feelings and not having the development to express them can leave children feeling trapped and scared of their own internal experience. As adults, we have the power to whisper three powerful words at this moment to reassure them that every human experiences big feelings and they are not alone, “You are okay.” When we understand for ourselves that our life experience isn’t right or wrong, and we are allowed to feel exactly how we feel, we give our children that same permission. The trick to moving through big emotions is knowing they are temporary. They don’t last forever (sometimes they come and go and come back), because humans experience an array of ups and downs and in-betweens regularly–whether we are aware of it or not. Feelings are information pointing us to a number of things like what is important to us, what we need, and where we are lacking safety. So, if they aren’t permanent and they aren’t facts, we don’t have to base our decisions or our beliefs about ourselves or others on our emotions. The ebb and flow of emotions are simply part of being human. So we can tell our children, “You’re doing a great job being your age! We’re all having big feelings right now, and you are not alone.” For more on unlocking the truth about feelings and learning how to navigate your internal world, check out this online course on self-discovery.
- Consistency & structure. This can seem impossible sometimes, so look for the tiniest particles of possible routine for your family. Maybe it’s that every morning your child gets a hug and kiss from you and an “I love you to the moon” with eye contact every day. Ideally, structuring a regular routine for children is going to allow them to maintain an optimal sense of safety within. Depending on age, this can look like a regular bedtime with a bedtime routine, a morning routine, one-on-one time with you, mental and physical stimulation, healthy meals, etc. If your family is in the midst of transition, plan ahead. Think about what you can stick with for at least a couple of weeks, but know that it is normal to readjust routines–showing our kids how to do this now will set them up for success as adults. By preparing children for what changes they can expect and explaining how the routine will shift, they will be able to develop a sense of trust for you and in their world in general. So, let them in on the conversation about the transitions, changes in consistency, and plans to find a new routine.
- Reconnect with YOURSELF through healthy stimulation. Increased media time, around the clock pajama-wearing, and slower lifestyle pace can leave kids feeling “outside themselves”. Help your children learn how to find connection with themselves when they move their bodies, challenge their brains, stretch their imaginations, cultivate their creativity. Some ideas on how to stay connected to self and others during times of isolation:
- Connect with friends and family (virtually).
- Get dirty! Go sweat, play in the dirt, walk in the grass, catch butterflies, splash in the creek.
- Be in nature! Watch the clouds or lay under a tree and feel the wind move through the leaves and you. Collect leaves and acorns and make up a game. Go for a walk and talk about everything you notice that’s green.
- Journal (even youngins can do this!). Write a poem, paint a picture of what you feel inside, make up a story, or act out a play.
- Read stories that make you feel like you’re in a different world or let your imagination run wild and write your own story.
- Close your eyes and breathe, listen to guided meditations (Health Journeys App has some excellent ones for kids and teens), take a cold shower or a hot bath.
Learning how to ground yourself can seem preposterous when life is chaotic, much less teaching your kids how to do it. The important thing to remember is that, as parents, we are teaching our children how to perceive, respect, and cope with life by the way we do those things ourselves. If you feel off-center, your children will too. Take the time, make the effort to take care of your own internal world and you will see how this act in and of itself will create more space for you to show your kids how to center their world. Start small with manageable steps. This will set you up for mental and emotional success!
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.
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