I always said I would leave, but I didn’t

I always said “if a man puts his hand on me, I’ll leave”…unfortunately I didn’t. Two months after I gave birth, it began, for very little things. Arguments would be about why he’s cheating, him not spending time with our child, choosing friends and drugs over family time and putting everyone above us. Anytime I mentioned any of these, especially the latter, I will get punched in the face or choked on the wall, sinking his nails in my neck while he says “you’ll make me kill you” and he would threaten to throw hot oil on me while he’s cooking or to stab me. I didn’t ask for help because I was afraid and ashamed. Afraid that he would find out and kill me or whoever I told and ashamed that this is happening. October 2021 I’ve been beaten severely because the rice almost started burning while talking to him. He started beating me in the kitchen then followed me into d bedroom and continued. The person who lived with us just watched from a distance…this is the SECOND time this man watch from a distance and did nothing. I sat on the floor, crying in silence because he will come back in the room again if I cried out loud. I was never allowed to make any sound when he’s approaching me or beating me because he never wanted anyone to find out. I was bleeding a lot and it messed up the concrete (which i was forced to clean a week later). There are a lot of memories I wish I could just bury, but I can’t. He’s in prison for his reckless behavior after I left him and I still feel like that isn’t enough for all the pain I’ve experienced. I was beaten monthly since November 2020, and at barely a year old he would hit my son and said he doesn’t care. I’ve been beaten during my second pregnancy and have always been told that I’m provoking him and that i deserved it. Even now I don’t tell anyone anything because how can anyone help me? If he found out I said anything, he’s gonna send someone for me or kill me himself. People don’t understand what’s happening behind closed doors and so quick to judge, and a lot of people would never think he’s this type of person because of what he portrayed to them and how manipulative he is. I’m just glad that I got away because I don’t want my son to keep seeing this thinking that it’s okay. Now, I’m just trying to be the mom my son needs and working on a better future.