by Chyna Snell
There isn’t one person walking this earth who had a say in what they inherited from their tribe of origin. Nobody asked you if you wanted that one crooked pinky toe, just like your grandma from your father’s side of the family, your mother’s smile, or the shape and color of your eyes. All of those genetic instructions were passed down from your ancestors and make you, you. Another factor that you didn’t get to select is the way you learned to relate to other humans from what life looked like around you as you grew.
Every family develops ways of behaving and interacting to meet their survival needs. One way these adaptations manifest can be seen in family rules. Just like any other system, families have rules that dictate how their members act, what they say, and the nature of permissible relationships within the family as well as the wider world. An open family system allows for these rules to be spoken about and adjusted as necessary. Faced with the challenges of life, open families cultivate an atmosphere that acknowledges feelings and encourage working things out collaboratively. In contrast, closed family systems do not allow for rules to be discussed or negotiated. This atmosphere can sometimes hinder the adjustment of individual family members. Rules that say things like, “we don’t let anyone know our business”, or the unspoken rule that shelters children away from certain experiences often make coping more difficult. Open family systems have an easier time adapting to change because their rules allow it. In closed systems rules are more like fixed laws and are not to be contested.
Neither system is immune to the boundary crossings and violations that can poison everything. Boundaries are the physical and emotional limits of a relationship that are understood, despite sometimes being unspoken. We all have a framework that gives every other human a range of acceptable behavior when interacting with us. How do you know if you have toxic relatives that you may need to cut out of your life?
- You aren’t happy when you’re around them.
Nothing that is forced feels good. If getting the call that a certain relative is in town and coming to visit fills you with dread, it’s toxic. Be aware of your feelings and honor them.
2. They manipulate you.
You might have a relative with a strong, boundary-blurring sense of entitlement when it comes to knowing the details of your personal life. The one that that takes great care to ask probing questions when the entire family is conveniently in the same place, with all eyes on you. The relative that knows you won’t dismiss their prying if the whole clan is within earshot, eagerly awaiting your reply – which they will then have opinions about.
3. Monetary assistance comes with strings.
When dealing with toxic family, their help isn’t really help. It’s a means that they use to control you with instructions on what to do with their resources, often masqueraded as “suggestions”. If you accept their funds, you won’t hear the end of what they did for you anytime soon. If everyone is on their best behavior when the family member with the most money is around, know that the power dynamic is unhealthy.
It’s okay to love your family from a distance. It’s also okay to love your distance, sans family. Be honest with yourself and remember that you teach people how to treat you by the way you communicate your boundaries. Family or not, a toxic person does not direct your life. They don’t get to define who you are. They don’t get to describe reality for you.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.
