May 17th 2020
I packed up and headed off to college in the fall of 2009. There I met my abuser through mutual friends and we began dating the following spring. We were the typical college kids and for a while things were fun. Soon it became apparent that something wasn’t quite right. While we had been partying hard, my boyfriend’s alcohol consumption was getting crazy. Combined with the emotional stress of his parents’ nasty separation and it was a recipe for disaster.
It started when his drinking led to my being awoken in the middle of the night in cooling urine – he was wetting the bed. When I asked him to get up so I could change the sheets, he became belligerent, cursing at me, yelling, and throwing things. When he was in this state, nothing I did helped. He often shoved me or cursed at me.
The worst came one evening when he had a friend visiting for the weekend. As usual, my boyfriend got drunk and passed out. Later when I went to get in bed, he called me a fat*ss. Taken aback, I responded to him, with, “did you seriously just say that to me?” That was when he lunged off the bed and grabbed me. As I tried to get away, we struggled out of his room. He threw me onto the living room couch where he put his hands on my throat, screaming at me with his face mere inches from mine. That night, his friend took me home and slept on the floor of my room to make sure my boyfriend wouldn’t try to bust in and continue the assault.
In addition to his drunken rages, he tried to have non-consensual sex with me. Feigning sleep so as to not have to deal with him drunk again, I lay there in horror as he tugged my shorts down and attempted to coax me onto my side so he had better access.. I pretended to roll back over, but he was undeterred. During this,, he kept murmuring, “it’s okay. You want me to do this.” When he attempted to get me onto my side again, I vaulted from the bed, and yelled, if you ever do that again, I’ll rip your balls off. I’m not proud of that moment, but I was hurt, angry and confused. How could someone I cared about try and take advantage of me like that?
Through it all I was determined to stay, because I wanted to show him that I wouldn’t leave like his mom did. When he found someone else, we broke things off and I turned to my friends for support. Only after speaking with them and telling them everything, did I begin to realize that throughout our relationship, I had been verbally, physically, and mentally/emotionally abused. What he had done that one night was considered sexual assault. I stayed because I was too stubborn to give up on him. I felt that he was hurting. That he needed me. I was so blind.
I share my story now because I want to urge women, (ALLwomen), to listen to the signs. Don’t blind yourself to the red flags.
And know your worth. I could have saved myself so much pain and heartache, had I realized sooner that enough was enough.
