Most likely, if you’re already in a difficult relationship, and you may even acknowledge it as abusive, you’ll “just be trying to stay small” throughout the holidays. Are you aware that all-cause abuse increases during the major fall and winter holidays? And, just to be clear, I’m including Super Bowl Sunday that “concludes” the “dangerous holiday season” – November through late January/early February. All-cause abuses increase in all relationships such as parent to child, adult child to older parent, abuse of cashiers and store clerks, etc. All of these relationships become more stressed and strained than at any other time during the year. Holiday situations such as meals with extended family, travel away from home, unexpected weather stressors, sickness, children out of school who still need care – all contribute to the added stress even when we plan for these expectations well in advance.
Even if you’ve heard all of this before, even if you know the holidays bring about more stress, it’s good to remember all the different parts and signs and patterns of heightened emotions so you can attempt to be more aware as you tiptoe through this quarter of the year. You are often expected – by your own inner compass as well as that of your partner and family – to maintain a cheery and upbeat demeanor. In the back of your mind however, it’s been your experience that you can never understand another’s expectation enough – it seems it’s all part of the unspoken “game” that is the matrix of abuse. Plus, as stated before, if you already know that your intimate relationship is rough at best, any emotional trigger can more easily erupt into a conflict, including physical violence.
Typically, police interventions related to domestic violence rise by at least 20% in December compared to the rest of the year. Additionally, Super Bowl Sunday alone can see a sharp, on-the-day rise in calls to crisis lines (searching this factoid on the internet brings a lot of debate citing it’s been debunked but having worked in a center for domestic violence myself and speaking to those working crisis lines, their stated experience aligns with this notion). Also during the holidays, there is reduced and limited access to support services with reduced hours as well as being understaffed. It is wise to be aware of this for yourself and others as this makes leaving abusive situations or just seeking help much more difficult at this time.
Families “being together” over this time can be a major trigger for violent behavior. We would like to think that togetherness brings love and joy and deep companionship and hopefully for all of us those desires can and will be true, but sometimes it’s more of an illusion than reality. Many years in a row we find ourselves getting to the end of the holiday season barely breathing because we’ve been holding our breath the entire time. When you are with extended family, there are so many mixed emotions for everyone involved, and coming together with societal and cultural expectations and pressures can add fuel to an already lit ember of a coal just waiting for gas! That gas can be the smallest of comments or slightest of actions unintended to cause anything negative – but when you add all these variables, the slightest little misstep (as defined by another, not you) can just be the catalyst for a bonfire!
What’s more difficult over this “dangerous holiday season” is the normalization and even trivialization of the abuse dealt to us in many cases by our own family members or really close
friends. This can make speaking up even more terrifying. Again, we’d like to think that “everyone” is happier and more joyful over “time with family” and “time off from work” – often this is more just a fairy tale playing in our head, another illusion rather than reality. During travel away from home or just lots of running around during this time we can feel obligated to double down on “keeping the peace” for our children and other loved ones involved. Our internal obligations of what we want for “peace” might include not wanting to report abuse fearing harsher retaliation or continuously doing more than our best at making things as normal as possible for our children. If we get out of line, we can be extra harsh on ourselves for being in the wrong. Remember, this is an illusion more than reality, as you ALONE do not carry the “peace of the season” on your shoulders.
With the holidays approaching, please do yourself a favor, write down and keep in a safe place, all crisis line numbers, local shelter numbers, as well as friend’s numbers. In your own time of need, you know your brain can be rattled and you might not be able to remember any of these details. You can duplicate these lists and put them in a make-up pouch, taped to your box of tampons, inside your favorite shoe under the lining. It’s also a good idea to put a little cash in there too. This “dangerous holiday season” will pass – and we all know how time can fly. But we also know how slow it can feel when we are in heightened alert mode. Be kind to yourself. Talk to your inner cheerleader. Turn some love on yourself – look into a mirror and breathe deeply and tell yourself you are going to do your best to keep YOU safe this season. You have so many sisters who have walked this path before, remember, you are never alone.
