October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is always a bittersweet time for me. I look back on the events in my life and they are hard to swallow however I have grown from it, I have learned from it, and now I use those events and experiences to hopefully change one life at a time. As I share my story with you please do not use it for pity but rather use it for awareness and knowledge for yourself or someone you love. I ask only for understanding, so many people have no idea what women go through or the scenes behind closed doors with the only thought of “why is she still with him?” And for that, I ask that you walk away from this with a little more understanding and compassion for those in these situations. This is my story:
I met who I thought was the man of my dreams in June of 2012. If I only knew then what I know now, I would have known that the knight in shining armor was simply a monster behind closed doors. The man I had grown to love had quickly became the man I feared the most. He never worked or helped with bills, the house, or the kids. He never made me feel safe and secure. He always wanted more kids and would quickly get upset when I would tell him I did not want any more. We had 2 children and I was content with that. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They were the best thing to ever come of our marriage and quite frankly, they were what saved my life.
I lost all feelings for him and would cringe every time he would touch me. There were many times I would just lay there and and cry wanting it to be over. There were times when I said no and that never mattered. If he wanted something; he got it. In January of 2017 I found out I was pregnant and I knew there was no way I could bring another child into this horror story. That following week I had an abortion and he knew nothing of it. I still regret that decision every day of my life but at the time, I was doing exactly what I thought was right. He continued to be persistent on having more children. I tried going on birth control but it was only a matter of time until he found out. In August of 2017 I became pregnant again. At that time our marriage was worse than ever. The physical, verbal, and emotional abuse was like something out of a lifetime movie. I knew exactly what I needed to do and proceeded to have another abortion, but this time it would almost kill me. I stared into my children’s innocent fearful eyes and knew I could not do this again. He never did find out about either abortion and I thank God he didn’t or I may not be here sharing my story. I always used to feel so strongly about abortion until I was in a position that was beyond terrifying, I realized that we never know what women are going through and the reasons for their decisions.
He had left me when I was 7 months pregnant with our daughter, our second child. He came to the hospital for the c-section and later that night asked to borrow my car. I had complications with surgery and was in a great deal of pain. Not wanting him there I agreed that would be ok. He took my car to his girlfriends house for the night and had found the money I had hidden to help with bills while on maternity leave. They used this money to buy meth, the money I had worked hard for to care for our children. He came to the hospital the next morning to pick us up and after taking us home, he then left again. When I found out he was cheating and confronted him about it, it was of course my fault. When I asked how this was my fault he replied “if you weren’t fat, I wouldn’t have to get it elsewhere.”
One evening after picking me up from work he got upset when I didn’t have money for him to buy more drugs. He was coming down at this point and couldn’t cope. He dropped me off so I could meet up with my parents and after having dinner, my parents dropped me and our 1 year old son off at home where he was waiting. He asked if I got any money from my parents and I said no, and the outrage began. He was so enraged it was as if he was staring right through me. He began yelling in my face and our son started to cry. I picked him up to console him and the monster began yelling even more. I tried escaping to the bedroom with our son and needed to change his diaper. He wouldn’t allow me to care for our son, instead he started calling me names and saying I was a fat worthless bitch. He grabbed my arm and threw me on the bed, he then got on top of me and started choking me. He then put a pillow over my face. I was able to get away and grab our son, I tried running to the bathroom and locking the door but he busted down the door. He slammed his head into the mirror and shattered glass lay everywhere. At this point our son was terrified. He had leaked through his diaper that I had been unable to change and I was soaked. This really upset him; I was told to clean the mess up and I said I would if he would just calm down. Well of course that only escalated things. He grabbed a lamp and threw it at my fac
He grabbed a lamp and threw it at my face, cutting my eyebrow. He then reached for a stand and threw it across the living room, breaking it.
Living in an apartment I had hoped if I was simply able to get outside that someone would come to my rescue. He followed me outside and started yelling at me with a hold of my arm. A lady did step in and he then got in her face. We eventually went back inside and moments later, he had passed out.
January 10, 2018 I got up for work and took the kids to daycare as usual, like it was a normal day. However with what was said to me the night before by our son, something came over me like it had never done before. Reality had officially slapped me in the face. You see, the night before, he got mad at me for taking trash out. He yelled at me, got in my face, shoved me into the door and choked me. Our daughter started crying so he then yelled at her. The dog got in the way, so he began punching the dog repeatedly and choking the dog. He then threatened that if I ever took his kids away, that would be my death wish. Our son looked at me that night and asked “Mom, is Dad going to kill you?” those words will never leave me, at that point I had come to the realization that this was not ok, this was not normal, and it was whole heartedly affecting these innocent babies.
I got to work and a coworker could tell something was wrong. I filled her in on the events from the night before and she insisted I call my parents to get here, because after that we were calling the cops. Once the cops arrived, I made my statement, they went to my house and arrested him. When the cops questioned the neighbors, one reported she heard fighting and yelling on many occasions especially the night before, but she never reported it.
I never looked back after that. With the help of my family, friends, and coworkers I got through it. with the help of my children I can call myself a survivor. I gave my children life, but they saved mine. I think about the past often, I don’t cry anymore and more importantly, im not scared anymore. I still struggle with knowing my value and my worth. I struggle with knowing what I deserve and then I stare into my children’s eyes and know exactly what I’m living for. They are the reason I breathe and that is progress. We are happy and taking one step at a time but we are doing it together and in a safe and happy home.
