I had met my ex when I was young, in my early twenties and he was ten years older. There were so many red flags that I had ignored. Like when he accused me of having a std and saying he heard rumors only to admit later that it was his way of telling me he had hpv. Things got worse, he had stolen my moped when I tried to break up with him and then broke into my house, the cops let him go. One day he choked me and held me against a wall. I got a way by reaching for a golf club and hitting him with it. After that I didn’t talk to him for months and I actually counted the time I was “Ray” free because it was so hard to stay away. He started calling my mom telling her I broke his heart and then my mom started calling me telling me I should get back together with him. I did and the violence ended for a while but the gaslighting and emotional abuse was still there. We ended up having a baby and when she was a few months old he slammed my head into the passenger side window while we were driving on the highway. I had left him again and again my mother told me I should give him a chance because I don’t want to be a poor single mom like her. His mother also asked me to give him a second chance saying her husband hit her once and she decided to forgive him and it was the best decision she ever made. I married him and the night before our wedding he pulled me out of bed because I wasn’t allowed to sleep if he couldn’t sleep. We had a second baby and I had to sleep downstairs on the couch because the baby and I couldn’t disturb his sleep by being upstairs. We bought a house together and I walked on eggshells for years. He would push me, scream at me, throw things in front of our kids and still I stayed.
My best friend passed away and I decided life was too short to be so unhappy. I was scared to death to leave him afraid I was going to be poor and not be able to survive, but I did. He threatened to kill me in the living room. One night he threw me on the bathroom floor and when I tried calling the police he threw my phone out the window. I didn’t call the police enough. I felt guilty and ashamed of the abuse. I was never the girl to do what a man told me to do. I never cared whether or not I had a boyfriend. I was strong and independent but the thing with abusers is they slowly chip away at you little by little until one day you look in the mirror and you don’t even recognize yourself.
My life has changed dramatically and I have been very fortunate, I left a bad situation and a toxic family and sometimes I thought it would be easier to be dead because I literally did not see a way out. I walked through fire and I made it out of the situation forged like steel. I have traveled the world, gotten major promotions in my career, found someone who actually treats me well and through therapy learned that I am not crazy. Life gets better and it is so worth it to take a chance and leave the situation. It is not easy but one day you get to look in the mirror and recognize yourself again
