My Faith Pulled Me Through

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He would talk down to me as if I was stupid every single day of my life.

I am a DV survivor! The Lord set me free and I’m living in the fullness and goodness of whom He is and who I am! I have so much joy and feel so much love in my life now! I’m so thankful I ESCAPED when I did. I am truly living my best life now!

I met this boy in the 8th grade and he was two years older than me. We started dating when I got into high school. We lived close to each other, practically neighbors. It was your typical young, dumb, and crazy obsessed including on my part… I didn’t know any better. I thought it was okay to be this crazy in love at the age of 14 years old. I had my first kiss with this boy at 14 years old and he had me hooked since. I lost my virginity with this boy when I was shy of 15 years old. I didn’t want to have sex so young but he made me think “Well, it’s okay. We’re getting married one day.” If I didn’t have sex with him, it felt as if he would leave me for another girl. After physical intimacy, things started to get controlling and obsessive. Jealousy started. Things started to spiral fast. Name calling. Calling and texting multiple times about my location. I felt as if I was owned by him and I was okay with that. He made me feel like that was okay.

One day at school, before class started…we got into a fight over something dumb. At this point in our relationship, I was afraid of him. I was afraid to make him upset. I was afraid to get him mad. He wanted me to be scared of him. The first time I felt scared was THIS DAY.

I ran from him and went into the Girls Restroom at school (thinking he wouldn’t come in) and I was holding the door trying to not let him get in and he kicked the door down and there goes head into the door…. I was in the floor, blood all in my eyes, I couldn’t see but I felt him standing over me. I was unconscious. He picked me up and lied to people saying the hinges on the door broke. From that point on, I felt like I had to lie about everything he did… to protect him. He would apologize and cry.. begging me to stay. Then do something again and again and again. I will spare you the details while in high school. I was a little girl with a big heart. My parents made me ‘break up’ with him so I did. During this time without him in high school, I was very depressed. No one knew. I wanted to commit suicide. I felt like I physically couldn’t breathe without him… but this is how he made me feel. Completely lost and broken without him. I wasn’t raised in an ideal home either… looking back, he took advantage of that too.

Time goes on, I move on. I got into heavy drinking and partying. I went to parties where people would pass around pills and get high constantly. This is how I ‘numbed my pain’ was to drink it away. Behind close doors, my ex boyfriend would tell people to feel sorry for me because I was so ‘broken’ and ‘helpless’ …that’s how people would treat me in high school because of what he said about me. Rumors upon rumors upon rumors. If he couldn’t have me, no one could. He wanted to create this image to people about me. I was constantly depressed but always with a smile on my face. I didn’t want to live anymore, it got so bad. Still, I didn’t know any better. I thought something was always wrong with me.

2-3 years go by. I move out of my parent’s house my senior year in high school, not a great decision but things got really bad in the home I was living in. I moved in with my friend. I started thinking about this boy again, feeling vulnerable and alone. He got news I wasn’t living at home anymore… now was his chance to come back into my ‘broken and helpless’ life to come save and rescue me. This was always a good tactic of his.

We get back together. I was 18 years old when we did, he was 20 years old. Again, it was really great AT FIRST… then a couple years go by and I’m married at the age of 21. Locked in. Caged up. Trapped. Thinking things would change. Thinking he was a changed man because he was more mature. Thinking it wasn’t going to be like high school again. Things got worse. Isolation from friends and family. Name calling. Things were always thrown at me. Things were always punched (he had to get surgery on one hand for punching something so hard). Reckless driving when he was mad… many bent steering wheels. When reckless driving would occur, I would have to accept the fact there was a chance of me dying that day. Finances were controlled. Financial decisions were made without me. Yet, I had to ask him if I could buy a shirt that was on sale. Many threats. He would talk down to me as if I was stupid every single day of my life. He was proud to be a naturally, angry person. He was proud that people were scared of him and gave the “Don’t mess with me or mine” persona. I was numb to the pain. I was living in hell while trying to live for Jesus all at the same time.

I gave my life to Jesus Christ before we got married. The more I learned about the love of Jesus for me, it didn’t make sense why my husband couldn’t love me like that? My grace for him grew. My love for him grew. My second chances for him turned into hundreds of chances. I became a worship leader for my church. People loved him. He was a great friend to everyone. He was great with kids and kids loved him.

For years, I was alone. My closest, closest friends nor family knew what was happening behind the scenes. How could I come forth with this? How could a Christian go through a divorce? I was a worship leader at my church. My family loved him. His family loved me. How? It was many, many, many, days and nights of praying by myself with the Lord. Crying and weeping out. Praying for him. Praying for him to change his ways so he would stop hurting me emotionally and physically. I was a patient, devoted, praying, good wife. That’s all I wanted to be. It was a rollercoaster. But enough was enough. I got smart. I listened more to Holy Spirit about my life. I had to tell someone. The first person I told were my co workers. I found my voice. I found my confidence. I was bold. I was strong.

Three years later… I am a DV survivor! I found freedom! I found forgiveness in him and myself. There is zero bitterness in my heart. I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I live with so much peace. The past is gone. I don’t re-live my past because there is no need. The past is dead to me. I will always reflect but never dwell. Jesus saved me and I’m so glad I gave Him my life…. He has completely transformed me!

Three years later… I’m getting married to the greatest, most sweetest man this year! The greatest human I’ve ever met in my life. At 27 years old, I am where I’m supposed to be… and God gets the glory!

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