My First S3xual Experience: Navigating Fear and Manipulation

My first s3xual experience was the same as theirs, it started in a suggestion that made me nervous and happy, as it dose to many. I was so excited to join the world of s3xual exploration, until I remembered that we did not have protection. As I didn’t want to be a father, I asked if we could postpone until I was ready but I was told no, I was told that it was going to happen, and I only didn’t want to because she was fat or ugly. Of corse I didn’t find her unattractive, I wouldn’t date someone if they didn’t appeal to me so I caved in and we had an unsuccessful attempt. After that it became frequent and all without protection and though I loved the thought of having s3x, I was terrified of fatherhood. I began to disassociate and make myself feel nothing, in the hope that I would not have a kid, so much so that it she noticed and started accusing me of not enjoying her and hating her. So I learned how to please her in other ways. The time I remember the most is, getting invited over and showing up to a dark room, and a naked body on the bed. I was told to strip and made to sit on the bed. At this point I was ok with the act, I took pleasure in making her happy and not hurting her feelings but i myself, had lost the ability to feel anything sexually myself. I had my face smothered and suffocated, I ended up throwing her off in a panic, either this time or a different time I don’t remember, she left to the bathroom and I came in to her crying threatening to cut herself and bleeding. This happens my entire relationship until she broke up with me. After in school when Covid hit, I went online but my class didn’t. I came back after two years and everyone seemed to hate me, Besides the friend group That we were both previously part of. Eventually I found out that she had accused me of assaulting her. My friends all had disowned her but it basically ruined my entire school life. I was forced under emotional distress, threat of personal harm, and emotional manipulation to have s3x, so I don’t even know if it’s considered non consensual. My problems and habits of numbness and pleasure have persisted though. And at school she would even sit by me and hang out around me, all while gaslighting and changing the truth. I don’t know if its supposed to be only one story, or if mine is ok, it’s been 5 years until now I am comfortable talking about it. I was lucky to have friends and family to support me, I don’t know what I would have done without them.