My Story – Emily

I fell in love with my abuser the minute I saw him. He was charismatic, charming, funny and the cool drink of water blonde hair blue eye country boy. We were on and off for 6 years. I should have known he was the devil in disguise and ran but I didn’t.
I would spend years of name callings and put downs. Especially when he didn’t get his way. When we we’re in public and I did something he didn’t like. I would get a look that meant I was going to hear it when I got in the car and home. Sex was used as a manipulation tactic. It was worse when I was pregnant. I would get verbally and mentally abused by him. Dragged across the floor on my pregnant belly. Things thrown at me. Mocked me when I cries so much I had to learn to cry in silence so he wouldn’t hear me. I would cry and he over something he did and he would go to sleep right next to me and let me hurt.
It was the worst feeling being so alone. He would come back and act like prince charming then we would break up shortly after. This cycle repeated and I didn’t know the mental toll it took on me. He would micro cheat. Sleep around and lie. Manipulate me to give him all my tax returns and any ounce of money I had while he had thousands in the bank. I would get called every name in the book from a B word to the C word. He left me alone my entire pregnancy with our 2nd child and showed up for 10 minutes after her birth, then stayed away the entire hospital visit. The last straw for me was when he finally wrapped his hands on my throat in anger and shoved me on the bed, I got up and he did it again a second time but harder. You know, I always told myself he’ll change. He didn’t mean it. It won’t happen again. But even though I was madly in love with this man despite the abuse. I learned that I will love myself and my children more. He still tries to contact me and tell me “I never did what you accused me of doing” despite countless CT and xray scans of the internal throat damage.
Abuse isn’t always physical at first. I never thought in 6 years he would do this. Because it was always verbal and mental. But I learned he will never change and I will die if I continue this cycle. So I learned to appreciate my support , my children, my amazing husband now. And to trust the process and trust in God. And take back my silence and voice and never allow myself to go through that ever again.