Victim Statement letter addresing the court.
On July 17, 2020, the night I was giving birth to my son that Carlos and I have together, the doctor asked me to give the name of the person that I would want to make life or death decisions on my behalf. Without a doubt, I gave Carlos name. The father of the child I was about to give birth to. I trusted, I loved, and I believed in this man. The love I had for him made me hope that he would change, it made me believe that he was a good person and that he just needed help controlling his anger and violent outbreaks. I would have never thought that the love and trust that I had for him would later bring so much fear and trauma in my life.
Soon after my son was born, Carlos started being very controlling and verbally abusive towards myself and the older kids. On March 07, 2021, I made the decision to move out of the home that he and I shared. I could not continue to allow him to treat me the way he was treating me, in a violent, possessive way. On March 21, 2021, I found out that Carlos had placed a tracker underneath my car. He had been tracking me for over a month. Every day, he would go to my office and demand for me to speak to him. He would wait for me outside in the parking lot, during my breaks, lunch, and after work. Because I found out that he had placed a tracker underneath my car and that he continued to harass me during and after work hours, I obtained a restraining order against Carlos. All in hopes that this would stop him from following, harassing, and trying to contact me via text, call, and in-person by showing up to my place of work and home. I did not realize that this would infuriate him even more. This would be the beginning of two long years of constantly being followed, tracked, and harassed.
It felt that the more I tried to stay away from Carlos, the more aggressive his calls and text would be. I feared that every time I did not answer his calls or texts, or I did not let him know where I was, he would end up showing up at my house. Every time I let his incoming call go to voicemail, my heart would drop because I knew that in Carlos mind, I was not giving him that peace of mind he wanted. I felt embarrassed and in fear every time Carlos showed up at my office and demanded to speak to me in front of all my co-workers. I felt unsafe every time he showed up to my house, our son’s daycare and my daughter’s school telling me in front of everyone how I was a bad mom and a bad person for leaving him and not wanting to work things out with him. The feeling of fear of going to bed and not being able to fall asleep because I did not know if he was going to show up to my house in the middle of the night and try to harm me or my children. Every night all I did was play scenarios in my head of what I would do and how I would react to protect my kids and myself if Carlos decided to show up.
For two years, it felt like I was living in survival mode. I had to pacify him during his angry outbursts to keep him content and discourage him from showing up at my house or work. I felt like I had to agree to what he wanted or else the unwarranted harassment, calling, texting, and intrusions would not stop. He blamed me for being the way he was and that his violent reactions were my own fault. The mental and emotional effect of his manipulation, controlling ways, and gaslighting made me feel like I had no other way out other than to rely on the criminal system to take action. Every time he had court, I hoped that the judge would make him understand that he needed to stop harassing me. Every time I called the police, I hoped that it would be an eye-opener for him, and he would leave me alone. Instead, he would laugh in my face and tell me that I was the crazy one for calling the police and playing the victim.
During this time, I had to teach my nine-year-old daughter how to dial 911. I had to teach her a safety plan for her to become the protector of her 2-year-old brother in case her mother was hurt and could not protect them. Every morning my daughter had to see me carry her brother while at the same time holding a taser in one hand and a pepper spray bottle in the other. This was the only way I somehow felt safe and that I could protect myself from Carlos and give my kids enough time to run. My daughter had to witness Carlos, the person that she once trusted, push her mom onto the fence, depriving her mom from going anywhere while he continued to call her names and an evil, bad person. My daughter had to call 911 and let the dispatch know that Carlos was hurting her mom while she locked herself in the car protecting her brother. All of this is something that no child should ever have to witness or go through.
Until this day, I have lived with fear and trauma. I have sleepless nights with flashbacks of the things Carlos did to me. There qare times when I try not to think about any of this, I try to pretend that it is not happening, because thinking about it hurts in so many ways. To trust someone with your life and to realize how much this same person can harm you and your kids has made me lose trust in everyone else.
As hard as it is for me to be here; I am grateful to be standing here alive today to be able tell my story. I am also here today in hopes that this will give me some closure and that this will help me move forward in life without having to live in fear anymore
