Surviving Domestic Abuse: Never Again

*Trigger Warning*

This post is really long & about my experience with Domestic Violence, abuse & animal cruelty. It may be distressing to someone who has experienced these things hence the trigger warning if you choose to read this.

I’m breaking my silence & telling my truth about my relationship with my ex wife. This will be the only post I make about it. After this, I will not post or speak of her again as it doesn’t help my healing process or self care. I also want to say from this moment forward, I don’t even want to hear about the awful things being posted or said about me because that doesn’t help with healing & moving forward either.

I had disassociated for years & been silent about the things I went through. After a recent event involving my ex wife (which I’m not going into details) a lot of my memories came flooding back. That relationship caused me some PTSD & Anxiety.

I left a very dangerous & DV relationship March 5, 2022. It was years of verbal, emotional & psychological abuse that turned physical at times.

I left after nearly being choked to death. I still tried to make a friendship work with her because I loved her. (Yes, even after the choking.) I loved the good times. I thought if we were separated, that things would get better for a friendship. That was not the case.

In all abusive relationships, it’s about manipulation & control. It doesn’t always start out that way. It’s a slow process of a lot of grooming & love bombing that turns into silent treatment, belittling, berating, isolating, triangulating, gaslighting, name calling, hoovering, lying, controlling, manipulation, aggression, threatening, yelling, hostility, anger & pure rage. It’s a repetitive cycle & I experienced all of this & more.

My reacting to the abuse was just that, reacting. Which is something I’m working on now, how to respond instead of react to awful situations. I was videotaped reacting countless times. She would turn the camera off to continue provoking me. The time she choked me, I was only able to get her off of me by punching her. She took pictures of the bruises for “proof.”
I went into this relationship completely naive about relationships & especially naive about abusive relationships & DV.

This was the first long term relationship I ever had with a woman. I believed the stories she would tell me about how everyone in her life (family, friends & exes) all abused her, caused her harm, all exes cheated, everyone else was always to blame, etc. I could go on but you get the drift. I believed this because she seemed so innocent, sweet, loving & I thought, “I’m not like that, she’ll be safe with me & my family/friends.”
I was very naive to think that way.

She now tells people that I am one of those “crazy, abusive, cheating exes”.  All I can say is in retrospect, the things said to me in the beginning were huge red flags that I completely ignored. And during that time, I lacked some serious boundaries. These things happened to me but I’m working through it. I could write a novel on everything that happened & I have a lot of journal entries of what happened because I was constantly told that the things said or done didn’t happen, that I was delusional or crazy. (Gaslighting).

I want to apologize to anyone who still sees these things that she posts about me & my family. It’s all part of the smear campaign she’s created since I’ve been no contact. She actually started a smear campaign early in our relationship about me to her family & friends & would say the most horrendous things about me. A lot of it was distorted truth or downright lies, that I’ve spent a lot of my time & energy wondering why anyone would choose to say those things or behave like that. I’ve decided to no longer waste my time or energy trying to figure it out & move on.
I was ready to file for divorce in early September 2022 but then her mother passed away. I decided not to file & to be there for her because that’s what friends do, support each other.

I stopped talking to her on October 2, 2022, after being verbally assaulted. (It was the worst thing she’s ever said to me & doesn’t need repeating)

I filed for divorce on October 14, 2022 after another verbally assaultive situation. I experienced a range of emotions about it but decided it was for the best. That’s also when I blocked her on all social media.

On October 15, 2022, She texted me to tell me her dog died & I texted my sympathies.

The only thing I’m going to say about that is she was handed the rat poison & told many times to not let the dog get to it. This was on September 26, 2022. The dog ingested the poison on October 7, 2022 & again on October 15, 2022 & passed away. Rat poison was not laid out from the landlord & there is a lot of messages from her stating she “took care of the mouse problem & the landlord was not aloud over there.” The poison was handed to her. I was also sent horrific videos of the dog dying (without consent), which was very disturbing & I will never be able to get those images out of my head.

I decided from then on that I was going no contact, not only for my safety & sanity but to move on with my life. She tried texting me several times during my no contact period, saying some very vile & untrue things to try to get a reaction out if me. It didn’t work. (I’ll be completely honest & Most of the residual romantic feelings I had for her “died” the day the dog died.)
On January 3, 2023, I was granted my divorce.
My cat passed away January 4, 2023. His passing was such a huge loss to me. I’m still grieving & mourning his death.

On January 6, 2023, she sent me the nastiest texts about My cat dying& I broke no contact to send a courtesy message, nothing more. After another nasty message from her, I told her to lose my number & that’s when I decided to block her phone.

No contact started again that day, January 6, 2023. “No contact is a boundary that is set with a toxic person to end the relationship & to protect someone from further abuse & manipulation. No contact is not a form of manipulation & is not abuse. It’s not meant to be temporary. It’s a definite end to the relationship.”
All of this happened to me. It’s a painful part of my story but I’m safe now, happy to be moving forward, processing & working through this in therapy. I also know there can be retaliation from opening up like this & sharing my truth. I’m taking all necessary precautions to ensure my safety.

I’m making this post to share my story, break my silence, bring awareness to verbal & emotional abuse & show that domestic violence is very real & can happen to anyone, gay or straight. Maybe sharing my story, my experience can help someone who is experiencing the same thing & maybe even give them the courage to leave like I did.