| Im turning 35 in august, i have three kids. 2 with my current partner and my oldest child’s dad, passed away last September 2023. We have been together in a relationship for 9 years nearly. November 2016. Like most people, the first few years were great. Typical honeymoon phase but I got pregnant with our first child really fast which put a strain on the relationship but that wasn’t the only thing. We probably could have gotten past the new baby challenges except, He ended up getting arrested for violating his probation in 2017. It was then I should have left, I had resources but I trusted him and his sweet nothings from jail “I promise I’ll be the best, I’ll get you through school, blah blah blah” He got out, we went 6 months before it really started getting bad. During his stay in jail, I needed some assets he had, to pay rent, pawning fishing poles was a regular thing when we needed money. Well he was in jail I needed rent, his friend was withholding his stuff from me, and demanded he heard directly from my partner, from jail, that it was ok for me to pay our bills with the pawning of fishing poles. When he was released from jail after I explained that same friend tried to get me to send nudes to him, showed the message and explained how hard he made it for me to get the poles for rent, an argument ensues and ended with “I will always trust friends over you any day and he said that message was an accidental what are you trying to get at?!” Which has always floated around my brain since then. Fast forward, we fight every two weeks, roughly around when the bills are due. Every month for four years since his release. In that time I find a job for myself, I enrolled into college myself, took out my own loans. He has no ties to my education at all. Well that certainly doesn’t sit right with him. I purchased my own car in my own name. He’s resentful of me obtaining a college degree. He insist I’ll leave him because that’s what people do when they get educated. I have just maintained as I felt I should, reassuring him. Even with everything bad, it was not my intention to get a degree and just leave. I did this for our family for our. Children. And yes I did it for me. But I didn’t think about me only. During that time (November 2021-mar 2023) I worked full time 40 hours plus, and 30 hours a week + for school on top of parenting and doing the necessities for the kids, dr appointments etc. I took on a lot and had a mental break down around the same time my oldest child’s father passed away. 2023 I was actively making steps to leave my partner at that time, but everything crashed at once and I lost my sense of self, again. I have no support my family is small and they don’t even speak to each other. So it’s a challenge to find anyone to help with guidance or anything at all. We made the decision together. I would stay home, watching the youngest while the others were in school during the day, I could focus on school and it should help ease me back into normalcy. He suggested it would be a nice break. Ha! Now It’s July of 2024. The financial abuse is worse than ever. I’m two months away from graduating with a bachelors of a science for an audio engineering. He has increased his negativity and he started lying more blatantly about everything. Small lies big lies. Lies he doesn’t think I caught him in because I stopped talking. Stopped even pointing it out anymore The tipping point though, our lawn. I’ve been begging him to get it mowed or hire some one to handle it otherwise we face fines. He tells me to get a job if I want the lawn taken care, in the same breath calls me a fucking stupid bitch and tells me to eat a bag of dicks. All over the lawn. Which I would love to mow myself but it’s “emasculating”for him I guess. I’m not naive I know it’s not the lawn that’s the issue. It’s a family trip coming up he hasn’t wanted to go on since I started planning and filling him in, every step of the way. This trip has led him to refuse to insure me “you don’t deserve insurance, get a job. You don’t make money you can’t even take care of bills” it’s just everything to do with money. Yes I don’t have a job because I have three kids to watch under 10, for summer break. And needing them to get vaccinations for school but no insurance. I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck. But I have started to make small steps into changing my situation. Steps he is unaware of. Which makes me feel bad for keeping things private but I know if I say anything or even try to resolve issues, it’s going to lead to another argument about how I need to get a job if I have needs. I want a job. I want to work. I also don’t want to over do it when I have two months left until I have a full degree in a skilled field. I’ve worked very hard to obtain this and almost quite twice. I won’t give in now when I know the pressure is going to amplify. I just know it’s never going to change it’s never going to get better and honestly it’s getting harder to exist here with him at all. He takes credit for all the house work, tells me I don’t do anything, tells me I’m lazy, I don’t contribute. But it all boils down monetarily . It never has anything to really do with how well the kids are being taken care of or, if the house looks like the presidents coming to visit. Which he demands I make it look like, everyday. When I did put in, regarding money from working, he stopped working then admitted to slacking because I was working, months later. When i quit my job upon our agreed to decision. For someone to stay home and save on thousands in child care. That sacrifice was never taken into account, just unrealistic expectations. At this point my support is null. My mom doesn’t want to hear about it anymore and she is jk way financially sound to even help with a place to stay. I have no friends and other family. It’s me and the kids. I’ve run my credit card into debt and my car has me 9g underwater. I know I’ll get a great job when I have my degree I know I will make something of myself for my children to see that it is possible regardless of circumstance. I can’t handle being put down anymore I can’t handle being told “you can do what you need to with my debit card” but it’s not even true. I have to ask for any money and I provide receipts for everything. I have no access to funds beyond his debit card but again I have to asks permission to go grocery shopping. And it’s even better when I get permission, then I get to check out and the cards declined. Then I’m being told it’s my fault my car payment came out (within three business days) normal things that typical adults are aware of, and I let him know when I pay a bill how long it will take to withdraw. As for being privy to any amounts he has. He tells me Friday what his check was but I never know anything else beyond that. He doesn’t account for anything he doesn’t share “we have this much” so I know to budget with in reason. It’s hard to budget when you have no idea how much is even coming in. What’s worse than all of this. Our kids are uninsured I lost Medicaid and no longer qualify due to income. (Not upset about it, I’d like private insurance) but no, not for me or the kids. I look up how much to insure our family. He says it’s too much and refuses to insure me at all but hasn’t even bothered to get the kids insurance. Then goes and spend 6500$ on a two man fishing boat. Without even running it by me or discussion, it was his choice “I deserve something for Me”. Leaving us uninsured and the money needed for a two week road trip, completely diminished. I’m expected to do all the mental load of everything without any incentive aside from “you have a roof over your head.” I just want away from this it’s only getting worse and he’s a convicted felon who thought it smart bring guns into our home. I don’t trust him at all Now after everything, I’m absolutely over his abuse his way of thinking his lack of concern for anyone but himself. I can’t continue to live this lie, And hope it will get better when he has shown me who he is and I don’t know why I’ve ignored it or allowed myself to overlook it. But when someone tells you who they are don’t wait around for “true colors” that is the true color. They say it they mean it. I’m lost I’m a shell of a human with no confidence and a horrible outlook on love. |
Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence: Is It Learned or Taught?
Is it learned or is it taught? My story starts with enduring domestic violence with my children’s father. I was too scared to leave and too dependent on him to risk going and creating a life on my own with three kids. I stayed for the fact that I wanted...
