I was a victim of child sexual abuse by someone I knew. Although I loved my parents very much, they had their domestic issues as well. When leaving my parents, I married a Covert Narcissist/Abuser. I was pregnant and felt that marriage is what you did when becoming pregnant.
When I first met my ex, he was charming, constantly gave me compliments and flooded me with what I thought was love and admiration. There were signs when I married him, but I was young and knew nothing about Trauma Bonding. While pregnant, he beat me in the stomach, knocked me down and held a gun to my head. It was mostly physical and emotional at first. But over the years it also turned into mental, financial, spiritual, verbal, and sexual toward the end. I was with him for almost 36 years, while losing my own identity and becoming so self-loathing that I was brain washed into thinking I was the problem. I did my best to raise 2 children, while all the while being taught I was a horrible person and wasn’t a good wife. Although I was the feeling, caring empath who was taught to constantly take care of his wants, feelings and needs. I eventually began having physical ailments, tried to commit suicide, and became confused and weak. My thinking was never clear and I had been manipulated into someone needy, sad, and beneficial to him for all he could suck Dry. By the end of the relationship, I doubted my own sanity and didn’t want to live anymore. I had become addicted to opioids because of chronic pain and was on them over 20 years. I got off those in June 2019. Because I had more clarity of thought, I began to realize that I wasn’t the problem. I started to have hope again, so I started losing weight and writing again after many years. He had broken many things, as of which many belonged to me. He jumped up and down on my printer and threw a tantrum like was common for him. Myself and a friend who worked for me began to develop a plan, but had to be extremely careful, because my ex is a violent and dangerous person. On February 6th 2019, I was being pushed around and cussed by my ex , as he kept telling me it was my day to die. There was no doubt that he meant it. I held up a sign to her that only said, “I’M READY!” She texted her office and relayed the message to her office. They made an excuse for her to leave. After she left I was terrified, because the abuse became much worse. I didn’t realize that she had planned to leave and thought I was really going to die, as he placed his hands around my neck and began to choke me. A few minutes later the police came. I could hear the sirens and knew they were coming for him. That was my Independence Day!!!! From that point on, my health began to improve and I am healing more every day. At one point, I had become wheelchair bound . I had moved on from that, but still had some problems walking. I have injuries from so many years of constant abuse, but I really love my life more than I ever have. I have CPTSD, Bi-polar, Agoraphobia, damage to my head, face, neck and back. But I practice self-care and take therapy. I now am the advocate/editor for not only IN Warriors Against Domestic Violence, but I do the same for KY. I have my own sites for Domestic Violence called Tortured Souls and Survivors Speak. I’m training to be an advocate for the association that helped me when I was getting out of my marriage. I have my own jewelry business that I’m trying to get off the ground and work part time for the love of my life, as a landscaper’s assistant. He was my high school crush! We started out as friends. He became my best friend…and I feel like I woke up in a fairytale. He’s not only loving and supportive, but I can tell him anything without judgement.
