Rachael H

I’m ready to share my story.

It’s a long post, so for those that take the time to read it, I thank you in advance. I think sharing this could help someone else going thru this right now and maybe I can save a life.
So here we go…
This was my life this year in a nutshell.

I thought he ruined my life.
He used my weaknesses against me over and over again to make me upset or angry.
He abused me physically, emotionally and verbally.
He would throw up any past mistakes on a daily to show me how horrible of a person I was.
When I cried he would smirk or laugh, look at me, then walk away.
When I yelled or screamed he would record my reactions.
When he had secret conversations and I could hear him talking to someone on the phone, he told me I was losing my mind, that I was hearing things and I needed help.
He isolated me from my friends and family.
I rarely even posted on Facebook.
He mirrored my phone, logged into my Facebook and my email accounts to keep track of who I talk to past and present.
He changed the password and email on my icloud just so I lost access to everything, everyone, including the apps to pay our bills. Then blamed me that they werent getting paid, that he always told me not to rely on apps to pay the bills.
I should be writing chks like he wanted.
He told me never to share our problems with anyone else, it should stay between us.
He went around to his favorite bars telling people I was bat shit crazy.
He made sure I had to rely on him for everything just so he could call me a gold digger.
He pushed me to the edge of sanity hoping I would take my life.

Torturing me was a game, I was just a pawn.

I saw the signs.
I knew I was being abused.
I allowed him to get me into a manic-depressive state.
Look up the definition of ”battered woman syndrome”, that was me.

I begged him to stop.
I begged him to be the man he used to be.
I begged him to love me again.
I even begged him for sex, just anything that would show he cared.

Id ask him ”why” I deserved any of this.

I stopped eating healthy, I would only eat a box of cinnamon donuts a day.
I stayed in bed for months.
I lost so much weight and looked unhealthy/sickly.
I rarely left the house.

I didnt talk to anyone about this.

I lost almost everything…

I got to the point that I wanted to take him out and then myself.

I hated me for allowing him to have this much control over me and my life.
I hated me for thinking I could make him change.
I hated me for believing him when he told me he wasnt cheating.
I hated me for believing we still had hope.
I hated me for not leaving him when I knew I needed to.
I hated me for allowing my daughter to witness the abuse I suffered because of him.
I hated me for the trauma my daughter went through seeing me in such a horrible relationship.
I hated me for not putting her first.

He stole every ounce of my peace, my love and my light…
…what he didnt steal was my courage, my will, my fight to survive, my strength and then “I chose” to fight for my life!

I left the situation.
I got stability for my mental health.
I got a job.
I started eating again and returned back to a healthier weight.
I started hiking again and doing things for me.
I started meeting new people.
I started fighting for my daughter.
I stopped talking to him.

I use to think my life was over and ruined because of him.

It was because of him and all the abuse and suffering that forced me out of my manic-depressive state.
It forced me to live again.
It forced me to fight for myself and my daughter. It forced me to see my worth.
It forced me to be happy again.

This year had to happen in order for me to get out of the life I had with him , be happy again and so I could grow into the woman I am now.

I dont hate him, I actually thank him for all he did because if he hadnt, Id still be lying in my bed, eating a box of cinnamon donuts a day, in a manic-depressive state begging him to be the man he promised to be.
So thank you.