My story of abuse from a man I loved…
When you first said you loved me my heart opened wide it started beating again after the loss of my fiancé to suicide. I didn’t even realize the changes in your mood the anger that you were showing more and more of your true self, until that one night in the bathroom where we had our first real fight and you had slapped me. You walked out and I shut the door and sat on the toilet in tears, you came in to say you were sorry, foolishly I believed you, because I loved you that much. Then it got a lot worse. You made it an every night thing to show me I was no longer in control of my own body or mind. You would fight with me about every little thing, if I disagreed you would humiliated me in front of everyone That we lived with over and over again. Then one night I stood up for myself and you choked me in front of everyone so bad that I was turning blue, your brother quickly ran over and pulled you off of me saying I wasn’t worth it (as if it was my fault you choked me) making me feel like maybe it is my fault… I became so scared to do anything because everything I did you would end up pushing/slapping/choking humiliating me hurting me so deeply, scarring me forever… I became so angry at myself. An I couldn’t seek Revenge on him because he would definitely hurt or even killed me. So knowing what was going to happen I stayed at my brothers up the street until you called me asking to meet up behind the post office in dennis which was up the street from where you was living, scared to death I stupidly met you there, you were demanding answers in why I left So I tried to tell you up until you tackled me on pavement and grabbed me by my hair shaking me so hard my head hitting the pavement, starting to slap me screaming at me so I started screaming thinking that he would stop from hurting me but instead it only made it worse and became more violent with me… I thought I was in the wrong, so I Stayed with him. I knew deep down that eventually he would kill me if I didn’t leave, but no I stayed I didn’t care I thought there was a chance you would just stop and love me the way you once did. Love makes you do stupid stuff sometimes!!! We got kicked out of the place we were staying cause of all the fighting and violence. so you got us into the Barnicle motel a few miles up the street. Everything seemed to be going alright for a little while, it seemed to be going as I hoped for us, until one night you came home with some crack. I got mad you didn’t seem to understand why I was so upset about it, so you claimed to have flushed it down the toilet and took a walk but I am not dumb it was an hour and a half until you came back to the room. I was already in bed about to fall asleep when you turned me over started kissing me, I said No, too you clear as day and you just kept going, I yelled at you to get the fuck off me you ripped my clothes off. I started crying as you started choking me, slapping me saying to me I THOUGHT YOU LIKED IT ROUGH!!! ! I started screaming louder trying to push you off of me but you were too strong and I lost that battle too, I was too scared I just gave in too your will and I was afraid to call the cops. I laid there covered in blood while you passed out with your arm around me an I cried myself to sleep hoping you’d just kill me and get it over with. The next morning you left for work and I cowedly stayed in the motel room waiting for you as usual eventually you came home with some drugs and as you were done getting it ready in that spoon you had told me to come over and tie off, I told you I didn’t want it, I don’t want to get high but you screamed at me and as scared as I was I slowly walked over to you, you asked me why I don’t want it and I said because I just don’t, I don’t trust you. you slapped me so hard my head literally bounced off the wall… night again has fallen I was hungry and you told me to walk to dunkins to get the donuts they throw away every night so I got my coat on and started walking. As I continued to walk over the Bassriver bridge I broke down, screaming up at god to help me, help me get out of this situation balling my eyes out I continued to walk and as I look down to wipe my eyes there on the ground was 100 bucks I tucked it in my pocket got the donuts and went home not saying anything about the money to him I went to bed. The next day I called someone to pick me up for some gas money, I told you I was going to do laundry as I grabbed all my stuff and asked if you had anything to wash, you didn’t…. As I walked out the door I turned and told you I LOVE YOU!!! I went home scared that he was gonna come find me. so I took off to florida got stuck and had to wait a month to get home back to cape… when I got off the bus and got into my moms car I cried while my while she hugged me god I missed her so much… you got arrested for stabbing your girlfriend at the times husband but had gotten out and found me, said you understand why I left and you said you thought I was one strong woman for leaving someone that would do that to me. well I stupidly fell for it all over again. As we continued with the next chapter once again he seemed so awesome so loving… SHIT how stupid could I possibly be ONCE AGAIN I had fallen for you, so we were homeless again bouncing around from place to place and it became stressful… Mind you I was clean for a month NO DRUGS!!! We started using again and moved in with a crack head and her daughter every day you would go out and rob someone for money to get that 20 minute high you would force inject me with the drugs the first fight was about drugs you started flipping out and body slammed me in the front yard because you was sick and there was no money. An once again that’s how the abuse started up and we started living with a friend in hyannis and you got prescribed suboxone so you wasn’t out robbing people every day. I felt so bad getting high in my friends house cause they were such good people they didn’t need a couple of junkies shooting up subs in the bathroom so I tried to stop but you wasn’t letting that happen I remember one night you had gotten money and wanted to get dope with it and I said can we get food instead and you had said that these people have food eat something here so it started a very small argument you told me to shut the fuck up it ain’t your money so I went to go walk out as you grabbed me and threw me on the bed I yelled WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING you told me to shut the fuck up and punched me in the face with all of your strength worse than ever before my eye quickly began to blacken my eyeball was all red and I gently looked up at you and saw you smirk, Frankie came in and saw me he quickly called 911 the ambulance gets there asked what happened, you quickly answered told them we were playing you grabbed me and I hit my head on the frame of the bed I didn’t say shit but they knew… I passed out on the ride to the hospital I don’t remember much of it. As the staff at the hospital try to treat me I walk out and in the waiting room are you and my friend frankie I walked out the door as you ran after me trying to give me a cig I took it.. A few days later we were taking a walk and I was on ssi and my mom was my payee for the benefits. so I wouldn’t miss spend it and you found out as we walked down main street you said we are going to get your ssi checks I argued it and you punched me in the face made my nose bleed in front of everyone on Main Street and no one stopped to help me so again I lost another battle I took my benefits and rented a condo from your moms boyfriend. I got pregnant but that didn’t stop you either.. You went to your friends house and got high every day. one night you got drunk and came home you started fighting with me saying I was talking shit.. You got on top of me started slapping me shaking me pulling my hair really hard. I started yelling to watch out for the baby you stopped after about ten minutes of attacking me.. That’s when I knew I needed to go my babies life was in danger and I wasn’t having it.. So the next chance I got to leave I left and went into a shelter for women in my situation stayed there a few weeks but it wasn’t working for me I was far away from all the stores and had no transportation to get any food or any thing I needed so I went to stay with my mom. shes the only one who ever understood what I was going through at least when it came to you beating me. You knew where she lived at the time and would stand outside trying to see me you began stalking me and there was nothing I could do about it.. A restraining order is just a piece of paper to you and the courts seem to always give you a break I mean seriously your records bigger than anyone ive ever knew and yet still you get away with stabbing people I didn’t go back to you until I had my son.. You was sober/clean going to church seemed like you had straightened up a lot and you did, until you started hanging out with the same crowd I found out you was selling heroin I left you and didn’t talk to you for a year and a half you was in and out of jail the entire time.. When I saw you again you was doing good, had a good girl friend and was healthy we tried to co parent but that clearly didn’t work at the time I was a happy single mother of two little boys and I will NEVER go back to you!!! An you got mad and came to my house one day dunk talking to yourself well sitting on my step causing a seen but I had seen this too manny times and I knew I had to start to stand up for myself and my babies. So I had called the Police and they removed him and they even helped me get to the police station for a new restraining order and drove me home! After reading everything I wrote on here I do know how unbelievably stupid I was for taking him back all those times, how dumb I must have looked and how incredibly STUPID I felt inside for staying with him for so long!!! Now Understand that that’s called Stockholm syndrome due to him An I have tremendous amounts of PTSD and Anxiety due to all the abuse that I suffered at his hands. I finally gained my courage back and pressed charges on him for all the stuff he did too me! As for my boys I hope and pray to the lord above that they never have to know the life of their father. I will make sure they learn how unbelievably wrong it is to abuse a woman and they both will be raised to become MEN!!! They are my angels they save my life in so many different ways! I don’t know if id still be alive if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with my aiden… God knows he has even try to use the kids to try to take power over me but this time I stood up for myself and my children and fought back. There is always a way out, if you are in a violent relationship there is always help you need to do something about it DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO CONTROL YOU! This relationship left me with PTSD and manny other mental health issues! If you see anyone being abused please contact your local police and SAVE A LIFE!!!
