We were married for 19 years. During those 19 years, I cooked every meal, washed all the clothes, cleaned the house, was primary with the 2 children, planned every holiday, bought every gift and the list goes on. I was abused on a regular basis. He would portray himself as never complaining as he would wait for me to bring up an issue and then reverse the issue I had with him onto me. I would leave the conversations with the original issue I brought to him unresolved and more feelings about how he handled the issue I was concerned with. The abuse didn’t seem like abuse in the beginning. He would say things like he is a good person for not starting an argument implying that I was not a good person for bringing up concerns. The concerns I would bring up were never listened to or understood or even heard. When I was talking, you could always see him trying to figure out how to respond to turn around what I was saying. I never left an argument feeling as though there was a positive resolution or any resolution other than him winning. If I did a house project, no matter what it was, he would always tell me a different way to do it, or that it didn’t need to be done. Asking for him to complete tasks, would require several arguments and reminders to a point where I felt like I was begging him to complete tasks. I often felt like his mother and that he was another child of mine having to repeatedly ask for basic things to be done. When he did complete a basic task he expected rewards in the same way a child would. He lied on a consistent basis in regards to finances to the point that I had to remove his access to money which in turn removed any of his responsibility. He enjoyed giving up responsibilities and when I would fix the issue he caused and attempt to bring him back into the responsibility he would cause a new issue. He would frequently explode at me or the kids over the smallest things. Everything was always about being “fair” but “fair” was only his distorted view of what that was and had to apply to him. It was never fair that I was required to do all the work in the house. It was never fair that I had to raise the kids with his minimal involvement. It was never fair that I was never heard and threatened on a consistent basis.
One example, there are many examples of his abuse, but one time I attempted to do something for myself and began working out with a personal trainer. He was not happy with the positive results I was seeing and wanted me to do with him what I was paying her to do with me. He went on the same diet I was on and took it over in entirety. He suddenly knew everything about fitness and diet and something I was doing for myself suddenly turned into all about him. I began feeling resentful towards fitness as he turned a positive situation where he could have supported me, something he never did, into a negative situation where I was forced to help and support him, which I did on a consistent basis.. He would have me meal prep for him specifically instead of for myself. Then he would complain about the cost of products and that he didn’t feel it was fair to pay the cost of the products when he wasn’t getting it for himself. He would have me meal prep things I would not eat and promised to help repeatedly however never did. He created an enormous amount of work for me to do for him, in addition to the work I was required to complete normally, and forced it to the point where I resented everything about the journey for myself as it was no longer about me and all about him which is typically how everything turned out.
He enjoyed reminding me that I would not find anyone better than him and what he was able to provide me with. He constantly compared friends and family’s relationships to our own and would focus on the negatives he felt in there and remind me that I could have their experience to attempt to get me to appreciate him more. He never spoke about the future together. He never planned for when we were older or when the kids left and moved on in their lives. He would just continue to remind me that he was the best I could get and that my family loved him and that he would take everything away from me, house, car, kids in an effort to get me to believe it. If I attempted to leave he threatened continuously to report the car stolen. The fear of leaving was so strong as I did not want to ever burden my family with having to help me.
He financially manipulated me very early in the relationship. 3 separate times, he obtained credit cards without my knowledge, ran them up and forced me to pay it off for him in order to get a mortgage and again after we had been married. When confronted each time, he blamed me as the cause for his need to lie to me and manipulate the situation. Early on, there was no partnership, it was him against me and any values I felt were necessary in a relationship. Anytime he did anything wrong he would find a way to turn it to be my fault that he felt the need to do it. That it was my fault for living on a budget and not agreeing to massive credit card debt that he felt every other person in the world had. He said that the way I wanted to live, within our means, was unrealistic. My parents did not believe in credit cards and he judged them horribly for it. He felt that we should live as most Americans did and carry $10k in debt.
There were a handful of times that he was physically abusive. He didn’t come out and hit me regularly but there were a few times he escalated and put his hands on me and our oldest. One time in particular, we had gone to the playground with both children ages 8/9 and 2/3. We had just got there and my older son had to go to the bathroom which was far away. He ended up having an accident despite being the age he was and in the bathroom he got so frustrated about an accident that he pushed my older son into the bathroom doors hard injuring him. He came out of the bathroom terrified and told me what happened as he knew my older son was going to tell me what happened himself. He blamed the older son for causing him to put hands on him with having an accident. He would say things like he is fine and being a baby for crying to me about the way he was treated. It was never his fault for his own actions. He would then go thru stages, first irate blame, then sadness for his actions and then apologetic. It was always the same cycle. He would constantly blame anyone but himself for everything that had happened.
Another time, he felt I set the dryer wrong right before bed. He had gone into the laundry room and saw that to him, it was set wrong. This caused him to be unreasonably angry at me. Attempts to talk it out, or ignore caused his anger to grow and grow. When I had enough and walked away from him in an attempt to leave him as I could not continue to handle his fits of rage, he followed me and pushed me to keep me from leaving. I of course reacted to having hands put on me and said it was the final straw as I could see that he had been escalating. I asked for a divorce that night. I couldn’t live like that anymore where a dryer setting would set him off. That night when he finally calmed down, he agreed to go to therapy when I demanded a divorce based on him putting hands on me. He of course promised things would be better and that he knew he needed therapy and didn’t know why he reacted the way he did. He went to 6 therapy sessions and informed me that he was healed. He said that he knew what was wrong with him and no longer needed to go. He knew what he needed to do to fix things himself.
Romantically, when he reached 40 he began to change. He wanted new experiences on his terms. He wanted to “spice” things up. He would whisper consistently what he wanted fantasy wise to happen when we were intimate. It was always what he decided with the threat of his unhappiness and leaving me if he didn’t get what he wanted. He would decide when we would be intimate and he would consistently withhold intimacy to get what he wanted. When I would complain about intimacy or that everything was only on his terms he would flip it and work into conversation what he would want and manipulate everything to his benefit.
His fantasies started with male chastity, wearing women’s underwear, and then progressively escalated. He ordered custom and non custom cages for his penis. By this point in our marriage he had regressed already to being fully taken care of, meals, laundry, finances etc.. so adjusting sexually was a natural progression. He had wanted a female led marriage which was what he had in many ways. As he got comfortable with the changes he requested, he would ask for more changes. At first it was to simply try something and then it was to incorporate it regularly. He asked for me to discipline him regularly. Any complaints that I had relationship wise he felt that they could be resolved in the bedroom. He progressed further to fantasies which included other men and couples. There wasn’t an option to say no to him, as he would condition the events to be what he wanted to be happy and secure in the relationship. Any romantic time we spent together involved him talking about his fantasies at length and with complete description forcing me to agree to what he wanted to make him happy. Although we were “female led” everything still revolved around what would make him happy. As in most female led marriages, the male submissive is the one that ultimately holds the control. He made me feel that I had to do all of the things he wanted in order to keep him happy. He just simply added more work in me now working to complete his fantasies as well. His fantasies soon turned into him wanting to explore alternative lifestyles. He created a fetlife and swinger account and would chat with others and make arrangements to meet and fulfill his fantasies. He would spend most of his free time chatting with others about making his fantasies happen. This ranged from single men to couples. He wanted to watch and also participate with the men to experience his fantasies. He spent a large amount of time chatting with men online discussing his fantasies and made many attempts to meet and explore. These fantasies were never my own and I consistently reminded him that I didn’t need this lifestyle.
He however did need the lifestyle and to communicate and be with others. It consumed our relationship however when he was getting what he wanted, he was happier. He was with orally bi men primarily but tried everything with men. I frequently questioned myself about what I felt about his sexuality. Early in the relationship he had been caught watching gay porn and had said his mother would never have accepted a gay son but that he wasn’t gay just enjoyed that type of porn. Over the course of our marriage I had frequently questioned his actual sexuality as all his fantasies involved other men and oral specifically. His fantasies often included cuckolding.
Closer to the end of our marriage he escalated to being a legitimate adult baby. He regressed to an adult baby with an adult onesie that said “ mommy’s little boy”, called me mommy, wore adult sized boxers with dinosaurs, trucks, sharks and more and also requested to “nurse”. He also wanted me to come up with punishment ideas which included a ruler, and writing lines in the corner. Towards the end we didn’t have actual intercourse as he was in chastity for long periods of time or would ask for the cage to be removed and he had extreme fantasies of orgasm denial and ruining.
He had decided to try a new “kink” and decided that he wanted to be dominate with another woman since he could never be dominate with me as he viewed me as a maternal figure. He met a woman and began an affair with her claiming he was in an open relationship which he was not. He experienced erectile issues with her and came home to me very angry and emotional. He needed to prove that his penis worked and forced me have sex with him so he could feel better about his issues and his need for pills. When he was able to have intercourse with me, he became depressed and in rage blaming me for his issues with another woman. He also lied to me, saying that protection was used with the other woman, when in fact it was not which he screamed, yelled and blamed on me and put my health at risk.
There was always a pattern to his overall behavior much like a child. He would have uncontrollable rage and then sadness and frustration with himself and then the apologies to be better. He would be better for a short time and then the cycle would start up all over again. He would say over and over that he could not be expected to be perfect and he was trying.
When I would let him know I was leaving he informed me that he would be reporting the car as stolen as all cars were solely in his name. He would state that he would leave me in jail and that if I had a record I would never get custody of the children.
A few times, when I had enough of the abuse, I would attempt to leave and he would prevent me by grabbing my purse or keys or phone to prevent me from leaving him. He would become extremely irate, have intense emotions to the point I was often fearful. He would later calm down and then he would apologize and promise to be better.
He hardly ever disciplined the children. He always left that to me to handle and decide. When he had to deal with the kids, he would scream and yell and get in the older one’s face and then apologize for handling it wrong. The children never took him seriously as he was never consistent or involved.
Every aspect of our life revolved around him. As the children aged, he regressed. The children began pointing out his bad behavior. Bad behaviors like not picking up his dinner plate. Bad behavior like not saying hello when walking in the door. He would walk in and not say anything. He would wait for me to initiate conversation and ask him about his day. He would then discuss his day at length and the conversation would not be reciprocated. When I began to talk about my day, it was more important for him to be on his phone. If I called him out for being on his phone, he would launch into an argument about how important he is at work and how whatever he was doing was more important than my day. He would scream and yell at me for being annoyed or upset for him working. I later found out that he was cheating on me with people from work which is why his work phone was so much more important.
While I was attempting to teach the kids to fold and do their laundry he decided to sit back and make fun of the kids instead of helping teach the kids. That moment I took away his privilege of having his laundry done by me since he felt the need to make fun of the children unfairly instead of attempting to parent like an adult.
When I look back at what I tolerated for so long and why I stayed, I had always hoped that when he apologized and promised to do better, I had hoped that he actually would each and every time. I also believed his threats of taking my home and kids and car. I believed that he would cause drama and I did not want to subject my kids to that. I didn’t want my family to look at me in a negative light for the things that would come out.
The beginning of the end for us, was when he decided he wanted to be poly. He met a man, also in the lifestyle, and decided he wanted a full poly relationship. He agreed to let the man move in with us and our children. The man had been regularly spending holidays and weekend sleepovers with the 3 of us. He was sexually active with the man. The man had discovered that despite being in a committed relationship with us, that he was active on multiple sites still. He had dating profiles and after being in bed with us, would continue to look for “something else”. Nothing would make him happy in any form of the relationship. I believe that he brought the man into our life in an effort to force a situation in which I would choose him to boost his ego. Unfortunately for him but life changing for me, the situation he caused and the problems he created allowed me to see that he was never going to change and be a decent person to me. Nothing would ever be enough for him. He would continue to search out his fantasies in front of my face as well as behind my back and that was something that I could no longer be a part of.
My marriage was a complete and absolute lie as he regularly cheated with both men and women. Some I knew about and others I simply had no idea of. He had so many fantasies, from people at work to people he met on the internet, I am thankful everyday to no longer be manipulated or abused by him anymore.
As my oldest child reached 18, and began forming relationships of his own, he had approached me multiple times and asked me to leave him and do better for his younger brother. Once I left, my oldest decided he didn’t want a relationship with a man who abused him, his brother and me regularly. I choose to stand by my adult son’s decision and will never force him to have a relationship with his father, his abuser.
I had started therapy 3 years prior to telling him that I wanted a divorce. The first therapist, after 3 sessions, had said that I was being abused by him and that I needed to leave and get safe. I didn’t believe her, I attempted for many sessions to convince her that I wasn’t explaining what was happening properly. That this was a normal relationship issue. Abuse to me at the time had been visible bruises. I was attempting to take the blame as I had been conditioned to do for years and did not see it as that bad. He had always convinced me life would be worse for me without him. I stayed in therapy for over a year before she retired. The last session, she asked me to continue with another therapist and start over again without trying to defend my choice of staying. To tell my story and embrace the domestic violence situation that I was living the next time around in an effort to make progress.
It took 2 more therapists to convince me that I was in fact a victim of domestic violence. He held all of the power and was a master at manipulating situations for his own benefit as well as manipulating me. I was taught by him to live in fear of life without him and to be grateful for what he gave to me. Leaving him saved my life. He had forced me to a point where I could no longer live life by his terms only. I was so exhausted from everything being about him and was asking to be hospitalized as I could no longer handle his fits of rage and constant screaming and need to be heard. I just couldn’t continue on with the way things were happening, everything was about him and he could not see what he was doing to everyone around him. I needed to have a voice and be heard and more importantly be respected. My kids need to see an example of a healthy relationship that does not involve yelling and threats. I continue therapy and work thru all of the trauma I am left with. Emotional trauma and sexual trauma that has the potential to be with me forever. I am regularly working with domestic abuse survivor groups and continue to find ways to volunteer my time and share my story to hopefully help others.
