By Anonymous Survivor
**The following is written by a survivor of domestic violence and abuse and control. Names have been changed to protect all involved.**
Walking on Eggshells
Living with my ex can only be described as walking on eggshells. Any movement could crack him and you would never know what would set him off.
But the thing about this man is that he was very good at pulling the wool over EVERYONE’s eyes and hiding his true self. When we first met he was a sweet and caring person but once we bought our house everything changed.
Moving to the Country
He told us when we moved to the country that he wouldn’t have a problem driving everyone where they need to go because he loves to drive. But he would get extremely angry if I asked him to drive the kids or myself somewhere. Even to get groceries saying it would cut into “beer o’clock.”
Every time he would take the kids and I out, if he was ready to leave that was it. We had to go NOW. We did fear the consequences if we didn’t.
He would get angry and drive recklessly with all of us in the car, speeding and tailgating others until there were mere inches between our vehicle and the next. So we were essentially trapped in our home, only leaving when he wanted to. And when we did, we were subject to the aforementioned kind of trips filled with worry and fear.
Threatening Others with His Abuse and Control
He proudly talked about the time he was driving the company truck for “RUSCO” and someone cut him off. So he chased them down and when they stopped, he got out of the truck. All in all he was threatening the driver and his girlfriend with a tire iron.
He laughed as he talked about the poor girl crying in fear, as if it amused him greatly. His boss had to send him to anger management and he was no longer allowed to drive the company truck.
He started drinking more and more, to the point where he couldn’t even stand up most days. After that he started getting mean and yelling, he was cursing and breaking things. He would criticize everything the kids and I did.
Everything was always our fault. He broke our stuff without remorse, he would start screaming and yelling if we so much as moved something that belonged to him. Nothing and no one was safe.
I had to clean the house and do all the cooking, as it was expected of me. However, he would often tell me my cooking wasn’t good, or the house was gross. Nothing was ever good enough. Reminiscent of my childhood and he knew that.
Putting Our Toddler At Risk
He was careless, neglectful even. This man left his beer cans down around where our then 3 year old son could reach, sometimes still full. He would leave his drug paraphernalia down, as well as his cannabis and e cigarette juice/liquids.
I would have to get up before the kids did every morning just to clean up after him and ensure our son didn’t get a hold of anything that would harm him. He never cared and would often get mad if I brought it up.
He was becoming abusive in every way imaginable. It started with him yelling at me and muttering things under his breath like “Stupid fucking bitch, touching my stuff, I should cut her head off.” and then he would laugh to himself about it like he told a joke.
This Man Was Worthless
I cared for all the kids including his son from a previous relationship (he was over every weekend) he was always too drunk and or high. I paid for all of the kids’ necessities including his son. And I even had to replace all the beds twice.
I paid for every kid’s birthday and Christmas. Not to mention I also paid his child support when he stopped working. He didn’t work for about a year and paid nothing.
I begged him to let me go to work to support the family and he said “Well I’m not driving you to work everyday so how will you get there?” Then I told him I would walk, or bike to work, he then told me he would never watch our son for me to work.
So I had to keep paying for everything from my father’s inheritance instead of making better use of it, as I had planned, by putting it into repairs and mortgage payments.
Time Management
He was controlling, he would tell me when to go to bed and force me to do so even if I didn’t want to. I started to become more and more afraid of him. I have no doubt if I didn’t just give into the abuse it would of been much worse. Especially after his ex told me what he had done to her.
He would often tell the kids and I that he wanted to join the army just so he could kill people. He seemed to get excited at the thought of killing or harming people. When questioned on this, he would get mad and say “You just don’t understand me, no one does.”
Abuse and Control of Animals
This man would use baby talk to talk to our dog. He would tell him things like, “I’m going to bash your brains in until your eyeball pops out. I’m just joking, you know I love you buddy.” He would often go up to him and pretend to cut his throat/ kill him. Then again would say was joking and that he loved him. It was deeply disturbing.
He told me stories of his past abuses. One example is of how he and his cousin broke into the Hampton Bible Camp and stole a rabbit. They then punched it to death and ate it. When he saw that I was disgusted he laughed and said, “Well I was hungry.”
As if it were normal. He also told me that he slammed his ex so hard onto ice he knocked her out, he again would laugh about it.
Loud and Angry
He would have horribly graphic and inappropriate music streaming loudly. If the kids, or I, asked him, nicely to turn it down, he would laugh. Better yet he would yell at us, call us names and utter death threats under his breath.
He worshiped GG Allin, a musician artist who sings in graphic detail about horrible things. GG Allin has been arrested for multiple counts of sexual assault. As well as many other atrocious things.
My ex would become extremely defensive if I said anything negative about his favorite artist. A man who’s music he seemed to take as instructions or a guide book. A guide book to abuse and control over me.
One night in particular I said “There is something wrong with people who like an artist like him.” This man started calling me names, a “fucking bitch”. Also, he told me I was stupid and to go to bed and get out of his face “now.”
A Night of Horrors
I laid in the bed and I could hear him talking, in great detail, about how he’d like to kill me. It was as if he was having a conversation with someone but he was only talking to himself. He muttered to himself that he would “strangle me until my eyeballs popped out of their sockets and dangled.” He was always chuckling to himself when he would say these monstrous things, as if he was merely telling a joke.
I cried myself to sleep that night. However, I woke up to him on top of me and strangling me. I tried to hit him to get him off of me, I couldn’t breathe and was panicking. Some how I managed to get my foot underneath him and I pushed as hard as I could. Sending him flying off the bed and into the wall.
He got up, stared at me, climbed into bed beside me and passed out as if nothing had happened. I laid in bed the rest of the night, paralyzed with fear. The next morning when he was sober, I told him what he had done to me. He denied it and after I showed him the marks on my neck.
This man made up the excuse that he did it while he was sleeping. He knew what he had done, he had given me details many times before telling me how much he would like to do that. Just hours prior to doing it.
Gaslighting
I know there was no way he was asleep during this traumatic event. He gaslit me into thinking I was crazy. But I know what happened and that it was intentional.
I really do feel that had I not kicked him off me, that I would not be here today. He was going to do what he had told me would. He was trying to end my life by strangulation.
This man would watch some of the most horrifying things on TV at night. One time he got me to watch a video and I thought it was a movie at first. He laughed and told me it was a real video. He was watching real footage of ISIS cutting people’s heads off and other types of executions.
While these videos traumatized me, he enjoyed them and would take it personally if we said it was gross or wrong to like that stuff.
Paranoid and Alone
He was always very paranoid and he started to become more and more so. Going about the government and doctors saying the hospital killed his uncle and mother on purpose. He said the hospital killed his uncle because he was a Hell’s Angel and one of the “dirty dozen”.
He really idolized that uncle, talking highly of him and the horrible things he had supposedly done. Not to mention started to convince my children that medicine doesn’t help you. As well as that doctors are only there to hurt you. Abuse and control around our mental and physical health.
He also said that things like ADHD and Autism weren’t real. As well as call his son retarded and say he was dying. He would call him fat and put him down. This man then started saying our son was retarded before I was finally able to get him to leave. This was very harmful given the ADHD and Autism diagnoses in my children.
Alongside the paranoia came several weapons. He would hide around the house. This included a baseball bat that he hammered nails into. He said he had the weapons “just in case”. Of what he never said. He even had some in our vehicle, they were there at all times.
Constantly Making Us All Uncomfortable and Unsafe
He used to tell me that he was going to book a hotel and he and 5 other men were going to gang rape me. At first, I thought it was harmless and so I ignored it because I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.
I finally brought it up to him when he was sober and told him it made me uncomfortable, and I wouldn’t want any part of that and he responded by telling me, “I know what you like and you’re going to do it.” I was terrified.
Over the course of the next several months he would continue to bring it up both when he was sober and when he was drunk. He would describe in great detail what he would do to me and said that he was already in contact with people that would help him abuse me.
This man told me he “I would love to watch two guys stuff your pussy while the other two filled your ass and I would fuck your face till you couldn’t breathe.” I didn’t like the thought of any of this, or the detail in which he thought it out.
Again, I made it very clear that I did not like him talking about it and that it made me very uncomfortable. I was okay with a bit of pillow talk but not like that and never more than just that, talk. He again got agitated and told me that he knew what I liked.
Sexual Violence
He got increasingly worse when it came to intercourse. My ex stopped taking no for an answer. He started hurting me and when I told him it hurt and asked him to stop. Including after my recovery of a total hysterectomy due to cervical cancer.
One night, during consensual intercourse, while he was on top of me and I was laying on my stomach, he decided to force anal sex on me. I told him to stop and he didn’t. It was extremely painful. I begged him to stop, but he continued, I bit the pillow and screamed in pain and cried, until he was finished.
I’ve never experienced pain like that before in my life. It felt like my insides were ripping open.The next morning, I went to the bathroom and blood poured out of me. I confronted him and he told me he knew what I liked and that I liked it. Sexual abuse and control over my body were things he enjoyed.
Each time he became more forceful and unrelenting. During non-consensual intercourse he was determined to finish, and my misery seemed to make him happier.
My Father, Then My Husband
He had me fooled, he used to be sympathetic about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. Until one day he started saying that it was likely my fault that my father abused me. Almost as if he was justifying the abuse he was subjecting me to.
As if he thought I deserved it for whichever thing I had done to offend him. I know it wasn’t my fault, or doing, but it’s hard not to blame myself, as most victims of abuse already do.
Living with a man like him was an absolute nightmare. One I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He is a dangerous predator and the trauma he caused me will haunt me forever.
The Kids Suffered
On top of all this children came forward and said that he was abusing them. Whenever I was out getting groceries with my mom. He would touch them inappropriately. Then he would threaten them to keep quiet, slap and punch them.
Some of his threats to us were “If you tell anyone, I will cut your mom‘s fingers off and make her eat them.” Or even, “If you ever leave or cheat, I’ll stab your belly, pull out your intestines, and strangle you with them.”
Check These Resources:
- Understanding Coercive Control
- Online Dating Safety
- Complete Guide to Mindful Meditation, and Emotional Healing.
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
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