| Living with Jordan can only be described as walking on eggshells. Any movement could crack him and you would never know what would set him off. But the thing about Jordan is that he was very good at pulling the wool over EVERYONE’s eyes and hiding his true self. When we first met he was a sweet and caring person but once we bought our house everything changed. He told us when we moved to the country that he wouldn’t have a problem driving everyone where they need to go because he loves to drive. But he would get extremely angry if I asked him to drive the kids or myself somewhere even to get groceries saying it would cut into “beer o’clock.” Every time he would take the kids and I out and he was ready to leave that was it, we had to go NOW so we did fearing the consequences if we didn’t. He would get angry and drive recklessly with all of us in the car, speeding and tailgating others until there were mere inches between our vehicle and the next. So we were essentially trapped in our home, only leaving when he wanted to and when we did we were subject to the aforementioned kind of trips filled with worry and fear. He proudly talked about the time he was driving the company truck for “RUSCO” some one cut him off so he chased them down and when they stopped he got out of the truck threatening the driver and his girlfriend with a tire iron. He laughed as he talked about the poor girl crying in fear, as if it amused him greatly. His boss had to send him to anger management and he was no longer allowed to drive the company truck. He started drinking more and more, to the point where he couldn’t even stand up most days. After that he started getting mean and yelling, he was cursing and breaking things. He would criticize everything the kids and I did. Everything was always our fault. He broke our stuff without remorse, he would start screaming and yelling if we so much as moved something that belonged to him. Nothing and no one was safe. I had to clean the house and do all the cooking, it was expected of me, but he would often tell me my cooking wasn’t good or the house was gross, nothing was ever good enough. Reminiscent of my childhood and he knew that. He was careless, neglectful even. He left his beer cans down around where our then 3 year old son could reach, sometimes still full. He would leave his drug paraphernalia down as well as his cannabis and e cigarette juice/liquids. I would have to get up before the kids did every morning just to clean up after him and ensure our son didn’t get a hold of anything that would harm him. He never cared and would often get mad if I brought it up. He was becoming abusive in every way imaginable. It started with him yelling at me and muttering things under his breath like “Stupid fucking bitch touching my stuff, I should cut her head off.” and then he would laugh to himself about it like he told a joke. I cared for all the kids including his son from a previous relationship (he was over every weekend) he was always too drunk and or high. I paid for all of the kids’ necessities including his son. I had to replace all the beds twice. I paid for every kids birthday and Christmas. I also paid his child support when he stopped working. He didn’t work for about a year and paid nothing. I begged him to let me go to work to support the family and he said “Well I’m not driving you to work everyday so how will you get there?” I told him I would walk or bike to work he then told me he would never watch our son for me to work. So I had to keep paying for everything from my father’s inheritance instead of making better use of it, as I had planned, by putting it into repairs and mortgage payments. He was controlling, he would tell me when to go to bed and force me to do so even if I didn’t want to and I started to become more and more afraid of him.I have no doubt if i didn’t just give in the abuse it would of been much worse. especially after his ex told me what he had done to her. He would often tell the kids and I that he wanted to join the army just so he could kill people. He seemed to get excited at the thought of killing or harming people. When questioned on this he would get mad and say “You just don’t understand me, no one does.” Jordan would use baby talk to talk to our dog and tell him things like “I’m going to bash your brains in until your eyeball pops out. I’m just joking, you know I love you buddy” He would often go up to him and pretend to cut his throat/ kill him and then again would say was joking and that he loved him. It was deeply disturbing. He told me stories of his past abuses, one example is of how he and his cousin JR broke into the Hampton Bible Camp and stole a rabbit, they then punched it to death and ate it. When he saw that I was disgusted he laughed and said, “Well I was hungry.” As if it were normal. He also told me that he slammed his ex so hard onto ice he knocked her out, he again would laugh about it. He would have horribly graphic & inappropriate music streaming loudly and if the kids or I asked him, nicely, to turn it down he would laugh or yell at us, call us names and utter death threats under his breath while ignoring our requests. He worshiped GG Allen, a musician artist who sings in graphic detail about horrible things. GG Allen has been arrested for multiple counts of sexual assault as well as many other atrocious things. Jordan would become extremely defensive if I said anything negative about his favourite artist, a man who’s music he seemed to take as instructions or a guide book. One night in particular I said “There is something wrong with people who like an artist like him.” Jordan started calling me names, a “fucking bitch” and told me I was stupid and to go to bed and get out of his face “now.” I laid in the bed and I could hear him talking, in great detail, about how he’d like to kill me and it was as if he was having a conversation with someone but he was only talking to himself. He muttered to himself that he would “strangle me until my eyeballs popped out of their sockets and dangled.” He was always chuckling to himself when he would say these monstrous things, as if he was merely telling a joke. I cried myself to sleep that night. I woke up to him on top of me and strangling me. I tried to hit him to get him off of me, I couldn’t breathe and was panicking. I managed to get my foot underneath him and I pushed as hard as I could, sending him flying off the bed and into the wall. He got up, stared at me, climbed into bed beside me and passed out as if nothing had happened. I laid in bed the rest of the night, paralyzed with fear. The next morning when he was sober, I told him what he had done to me. He denied it and after I showed him the marks on my neck he made up the excuse that he did it while he was sleeping. He knew what he had done, he had given me details many times before telling me how much he would like to do that, just hours prior to doing it. I know there was no way he was asleep during this traumatic event. He gaslit me into thinking I was crazy. But I know what happened and that it was intentional. I really do feel that had I not kicked him off me that I would not be here today. He was going to do what he had told me would. He was trying to end my life by strangulation. He would watch some of the most horrifying things on TV at night. One time he got me to watch a video and I thought it was a movie at first, he laughed and told me it was a real video. He was watching real footage of ISIS cutting people’s heads off and other types of executions. While these videos traumatized me he enjoyed them and would take it personally if we said it was gross or wrong to like that stuff. He was always very paranoid and he started to become more and more so about the government and doctors saying the hospital killed his uncle and mother on purpose. He said the hospital killed his uncle because he was a Hell’s Angel and one of the “dirty dozen” . He really idolized that uncle, talking highly of him and the horrible things he had supposedly done. He started to convince my children that medicine doesn’t help you, and doctors are only there to hurt you he also said that things like ADHD and Autism weren’t real. He would even call his son retarded and say he was dying. He would call him fat and put him down. He then started saying our son was retarded before I was finally able to get him to leave. This was very harmful given the ADHD & Autism diagnoses in my children. Alongside the paranoia came several weapons that he would hide around the house including a baseball bat that he hammered nails into. He said he had the weapons “just in case” of what he never said. He even had some in our vehicle, they were there at all times. He used to tell me that he was going to book a hotel and he and 5 other men were going to gang rape me. At first, I thought it was harmless and so I ignored it because I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. I finally brought it up to him when he was sober and told him it made me uncomfortable, and I wouldn’t want any part of that and he responded by telling me ‘I know what you like and you’re going to do it.’ I was terrified. Over the course of the next several months he would continue to bring it up both when he was sober and when he was drunk. He would describe in great detail what he would do to me and said that he was already in contact with people that would help him abuse me. He told me he “I would love to watch 2 guys stuff your pussy while the other 2 filled your ass and I would fuck your face till you couldn’t breathe.” I didn’t like the thought of any of this, or the detail in which he thought it out. Again, I made it very clear that I did not like him talking about it and that it made me very uncomfortable. I was okay with a bit of pillow talk but not like that and never more than just that, talk. He again got agitated and told me that he knew what I liked. He got increasingly worse when it came to intercourse. He stopped taking no for an answer. He started hurting me and when I told him it hurt and asked him to stop. including after my recovery of a total hysterectomy due to cervical cancer. One night, during consensual intercourse, while he was on top of me and I was laying on my stomach, he decided to force anal sex on me. I told him to stop and he didn’t. It was extremely painful. I begged him to stop, but he continued, I bit the pillow and screamed in pain and cried, until he was finished. I’ve never experienced pain like that before in my life, it felt like my insides were ripping open.The next morning, I went to the bathroom and blood poured out of me. I confronted him and he told me he knew what I liked and that I liked it. Each time he became more forceful and unrelenting. During non-consensual intercourse he was determined to finish, and my misery seemed to make him happier. He had me fooled, he used to be sympathetic about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. Until one day he started saying that it was likely my fault that my father abused me. Almost as if he was justifying the abuse he was subjecting me to, As if he thought i deserved it for whichever thing i had done to offend him at any given time. I know it wasn’t my fault or doing but it’s hard not to blame myself, as most victims of abuse already do. Living with Jordan was an absolute nightmare. One I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He is a dangerous predator and the trauma he caused me will haunt me forever. On top of all this children came forward and said that he was abusing them. Whenever I was out getting groceries with my mom. He would touch them inappropriately threaten them to keep quiet slap and punch them. Some of his threats to us were “ if you tell anyone, I will cut your mom‘s fingers off and make her eat them” “ if you ever leave or cheat, I’ll stab your belly pull out your intestines and strangle you with them” By Survivor |
The Journey of a Domestic Violence Survivor: Healing and Resilience
By Survivor The life of a Survivor of Domestic ViolenceThe repair of the abuse is never repaired because the damage is too unrepairable, mental or physical abuse stays with the survivor for life.Future relationships will be affected by the triggers of the survivor and the relationship will usually suffer, to...
