By Survivor Mary
This is the story of survivor Mary and how she broke free from manipulation and control.
**The following is written by survivors of domestic violence and abuse. Names have been changed to protect all involved.**
Finding Challenges Along the Way
I am 62 years old. My adult son is 37. I live happily alone in Ireland and have long friendships. People tend to warm to me and my company.
As my son left home 11 yrs ago i remained single. I came from a large family and after being a young mum this was my first time living happy alone. At my age I had boundaries, keeping myself safe, strong independent.
Last year I attended hospital and was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had so many scans, tests, operations on my own, and I found the experience challenging. However, I was proud I had the courage.
Waiting for Results I Make a Connection
One day I was to go for some results from my operation and info into further treatment. The evening before, May 13th, I headed out to walk off my anxiety.
A man I knew socially called me randomly as I was walking to the park. He joined me and was very charming. We were laughing and had fun on a two hour walk. We swapped numbers and I slept well that evening.
Remarkably, as I had had breast operations and radiotherapy sessions, he suggested a date. It had been 11 years since I dated, yet he made 58 year old me feel special. The aim was for me to be distract from the last 8 months. I was grateful for such good company.
Spending Time Away
I spent time in his flat, away from lonely shock of breast cancer. Then I had a procedure for camera with sedatives, and he insisted on collecting me from hospital. I wore a new dress and make up, for the first time.
Away from my flat we chatted, he focused on kissing and cuddling, I felt like he ignored my illness, I felt attractive. He wouldn’t sleep so we stayed up chatting until daylight. He was telling me he wanted to watch me sleeping.
His love bombing was intense, and I noticed red flags. When I returned to my flat, which I never invited him to. Happy with a break looking forward to seeing him again.
Warning Signs
On numerous occasions he phoned about his best friend who died, or he fell off a roof and broke his arm. He pressured me to return to his flat. The drama from a crisis for a friend he hadn’t seen for 20 years, falling off the roof, or collapsing on the street from drink I returned.
Foolish, yes, as now I was a captured audience as he told many stories of distress. I felt bonded that he trusted me while crying, empathy, kindness, love, care. He never showed interest in my life.
I shockingly saw his rage if I wanted to leave. Punching the bedroom door, as I wanted to leave. Soon the rages were normal and from out of nowhere in the street if he felt offended. It was physical intimidation and manipulation.
The Manipulation Started
Our sex life had changed. He had porn to masturbate to as we never had penetration sex. He barked instructions on how I needed to help him, while I was ignored.
No kisses cuddles.
My mum passed away, and he knew I had financial independence. As he was on benefits, I gladly gave him money to attend a funeral. Treated us to summer lunches. Bought furnishings for his flat.
Soon I saw him walking me to bank, he needed new shorts and chose the most expensive pair. He walked into a Ray Ban shop straight to one specific $400 pair.
No interest in me trying anything on. Later in bed he opened the Ray Ban web page, searching for the glasses in shop. I knew he expected me to order online. I suggested buying him a giant sweater online. He choose one, I order it then cancelled.
Cancer Treatment and Sexual Abuse
July was my birthday, and my cancer treatment finished. A card, no flowers, chocolates, or celebrating my good news. The insults started late in bed when I was frozen, puzzled as he called me scrawny. Or asked if i ever broke my nose, I had lost weight because of cancer.
He escalated porn into women being abused by satisfying a man, he was addicted to seeing women pleasuring large penis and I was to copy. I had never given this sex before and gagged. He dedicated his needs neglecting me as a prop.
Jointly we went to a sex shop I bought a ladies dildo. He may have been there before as he chose a very large black dildo. Plastic was horrible, and without consulting me, why he asked me to watch big black cocks on porn and I had said absolutely not. Yet he knew entering that shop he would go for a huge black dildo.
He was determined to force me to fantasize forcing penetration, watching me suck his penis in my mouth. Begging me to book a hotel room, let him watch and participate with a strange black man.
I Didn’t Want to Participate
At 62, I am skinny, recovering from cancer, told him I do not fancy black men, or as he said, big black cocks. I am an Irish catholic prude. Of course I had to book the hotel before Christmas, as he had it all planned.
My ladies dildo he tried to encourage anal sex. Absolutely not so that was never in bed just his dildo. As he forced it upon me, I caught 3 urinary infections. Then, he insisted I lick it, forcing into my mouth while he fantasized, talking as if it was real.
Twice I threw it in bins outside. First time he retrieved it and put it back into the bedroom. The second time I disposed of it, he waited for weeks to say he had taken it out of bin. Thinking he was joking, when knowing I threw it out twice.
Did he care so little, he loved to humiliate me. Having waited for weeks, letting me believe the object of his desire was gone, saved until I naked in bath and he threw it in.
Cruel Abuse and Manipulation
Cruel abuse taunting me to satisfy his needs for a threesome, which he intended to video. Porn also involved transexuals turning him on. My I pad history after I left showed 3 hrs of dogs with women, threesomes with dogs.
Mum having sex with her dog, etc. I am still sick with shock.
The calls all day and night to check if I was in my home, arranging to meet following day. Him saying “I love you.” etc.
Next day nothing no call hungover. He is 58 yrs old. Towards the end, his rage and abuse was blaming me. My mum left me money, he had noticed no Ray Bans for him, no hotel room, no gifts.
Had he been loving, kind, or grateful, my generosity would continue. Instead if I gave loan to a friend’s son, or the homeless his criticism came next.
Isolation
When I realized he had managed to isolate me, devalue my illness, my looks, my personality, etc., my mental health was really at risk. i was so confused trying to understand his dark night time sexual deviance.
He pushed for control with how I would participate with these fantasies and I just couldn’t live with the shame.
Used by a strange man he had wanted to share me, knowing I did not agree. While I fell asleep he regularly commented he put his penis in my anus.
Before I left for good I felt itchy scratched bruised on my vagina. I wonder why… His manipulation was causing me more than just mental harm. There were days I slept too long, and I thought “Was I drugged?”
When I Decided to Leave
When I left I took my belongings without telling him. He smeared my name to friends, stalked me on the street, screaming threatening my life. I was genuinely frightened for weeks and no let up.
I live alone, 62 now. Getting over cancer my brother survived 2 heart attacks this month, my son is divorced.
This man is out of control. So I had to report to police a last resort now he has left the area. No contact.
Thank God I’ll learn my roll. And one day learn why I tried to love this man, knowing all the sexual, physical, mental abuse. Wish me luck.
Check These Resources:
- Understanding Coercive Control
- Online Dating Safety
- Complete Guide to Mindful Meditation, and Emotional Healing.
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
Support Line
Other Resources and Information:
